Once more, with feeling

Just another post...

I'm having difficulty remembering the last time I slept. I knew I woke up yesterday around noon, but has to how long or when I went to bed... as at this current place and time, a mystery.

So maybe thats why I feel this way now.

I just left a message on my friends phone, a person I usually talk too but I'm finding that I may be wearing him a little thin, arguing for my own limitations, arguing in circles, and arguing with what ever advice he gives me. At times, it feels like I want to give up.

But I'm torn, I've already tried once and failed. The aftershock of the attempted suicide being worse then the actual way I felt during the experience. I don't want to do it again but in the same breath, I really don't like living.

I live to get intoxicated. Alcohol, weed, acid, mushrooms, and Nitrous Oxide. I'm at the point of needing cigarette's because I can't function with out them. I just got finished stealing 2 dollars in change from my room mate who's out of town, so I could afford the cigarette I smoke now. I've also been stealing weed from him and my brother... friends too. I tend to pickup change like a hobo, because it only takes 7 quarters for a 40oz.

I'm not far out of my home... I've completely depleted my chemical reserves... not a drop of alcohol, or a gram of pot in the house left. I even smoked the resin and stems I've been collecting.

As of now, I'm staring down the next few days wondering how I'm going to get through because the few things I live for are running out fast, and I'm really started to see how un full filled I really am. And how I may never be happy, because I don't live for myself... or sun rises, or full moons... I live to get fucked up because it's the only thing that makes me feel like I can continue on.

Otherwise I stare around at a world I grow resentful towards, and how bad I really want to go, and how much it hurts knowing I'm losing control each day.

Why do people care for me? Say they love me?
All it does is hurt these days, because their love... and their friendship isn't enough to make me want to stay.


And I know that makes me a bad person...

I dunno, I'm just talking to the ether.

 

Heh, yeh that's a good reason I don't end the suffering. Because I like to get high too much... cept my drugs of choice include morphine, amphetamines, diazepam, carisoprodol, dimethyltriptamine, d-lysergic acid, psilocybin, mescaline, oxycontin, methadone, 2cb, extacy, cocaine, etc etc etc on top of the constant nicotine, cannabis, alcohol buzz. Yes there are many drugs to do... One can never do them all. Luckily you've not discovered anything serious enough to cause withdrawl or cause you to steal hundreds of dollars and snort all of them in one night.

I'll be honest w/ya bro, take a break. It makes getting high all the more fun when you take a few days off and come back to it. One day maybe you'll even go on a break and not come back to it.

Spew it all into a pad, just write and write and write. Don't stop yourself, just write whatever comes to mind. See if you can spew ten pages in a row, then twenty. Then read it and see how it sounds.

I don't have the answers, just more drugs than you, and they aren't answers - they just numb you out a little while so you aren't focusing on your suffering. But when you come down, it all comes back..........