I was married for 17 years, had a productive life, 2 degrees and a great job as am Engineer. Back about 30 years ago I was diagnosed with either schizoaffective disorder or Bipolar I. I managed 20 years med free and life went on, mostly good, but with ups and downs. I have been divorced now for over 3 years. I am surprised my ex-wife put up with me as long as she did. My real problems started when the psychosis started about 4 years ago and I have been on a downward spiral ever since. I have been committed about 6 times and I refuse to do that again. I know the game. You go along with all of their instructions, you don't dare bring a book as that is isolating yourself, you do all the activities and act like you are having fun, you interact with all of your fellow patients whether you have anything in common with them or not and you try to be active in all the groups. If you do all this they may release you after about 10 days. I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar I, Bipolar I with psychotic symptoms, Bipolar II, Bipolar NOS with psychotic systems, and the latest is Bipolar NOS with psychotic symptoms with high functioning autism. I do not even know which is correct. I went off my med about 18 months ago. The comments I always get is "so you started feeling normal so you thought you did not need them anymore". That is wrong!!! I went off of them because they turned me into a chemical zombie. I could not concentrate long enough to read more than 3 pages of a book. I isolated myself and only went out once a week to buy groceries. I bought black curtains to cover all of my windows. I have been going down hill again and all of the psychiatrist have a 3 to 4 month waiting list. I don't think I can make it that long, but I refuse to commit myself again. I am at my wits end. Thoughts of suicide are now a constant and I am finding little joy in life. I have been trying to get back into the job market, but nobody likes a 4 year gap in your work history and that is before they know why. All the things I still want to do in life, I can't afford. I am living on Social Security Disability from month to month and it barely covers my months living expenses. Right now, if my old vehicle breaks down, I don't know how I am going to replace it. I have 6 days left until my next check and I have $40.00 for food and expenses. and believe me, I live a very simple life, I never go out or do anything except go to the library. I am at my wits end!!!