Once upon a time, I said I was going to kill myself. I didn't just say it, I meant it. I have had thoughts of suicide for as long as I can remember. I hate my life. For years - decades - I held out, hoping to find some reason to stay alive. Then I found that reason. Or, I thought I had. I thought I had found what I was looking for. All this time, all these years, all this pain, it was all going to finally pay off. I had found what I've been searching for, the thing that has been missing from my life. I thought I had. I really did. I cancelled my suicide plans. And yes, I had plans. I had the means. You can edit my post all you want, timeline, methods, I had it all. I had it all set up. I cancelled those plans. Because I thought I had found the solution to my problems. For a brief moment of my life, I was happy. I was hopeful. I had reason to live, reason to believe that God was finally showing mercy on my pathetic soul. As it turns out... I was wrong. There is no mercy. No justice. No reward. It is just me. Just me, and this world. This world in which I don't belong. The woman I loved who is not going to be with me, like I thought she would. I am alone. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me. They never did, and they never will. It is just me. Me, alone, versus the world. Well, world, you won. Congratulations. No, I won't commit suicide. Because I know that death holds even greater miseries for me than those I've endured in life. My life has been hell, and my death will lead to an even deeper hell. This is my existence. This is my reality. There's nothing I can do about it. Suicide won't save me, it will only condemn me to something worse. For now, I am in limbo. Alone. It is just me and these demons. The demons laugh and taunt me. They know they have won. There is no sense in continuing to fight. I know that I've lost. My dreams are dead. My angel is gone. She is the only one who could have saved me. I am destined to suffer for eternity. Alone and unloved. As I deserve. I hate this world. I no longer wish to be a part of it. I would commit suicide, if I hadn't promised I wouldn't. I promised that I would live on. Continue to endure this misery. This life is a hell for me. A hell that I created for myself. I deserve everything. I don't deserve to be happy. I deserve to suffer, for eternity, in this world and the next. God hates me. He always has. Yeah. I know my posts don't make sense. None of it would make any sense to anyone who hasn't been through what I've been through. This is my own personal hell. I deserve it. I cannot be redeemed. I cannot be saved. Once upon a time, I had a dream. That dream is now dead. Am I suicidal? Yes. Absolutely. I want to die, to disappear, to be erased from existence. But I know that isn't possible. I know that I'm stuck here. One way or another. I promised that I won't take my own life, and I won't. Because that is not an escape. As much as I wish it was. There is no way out of this. I am here for a reason. Whether it is a test, or punishment for something I did in a past life, or maybe it's just part of God's sadistic little game. I don't know. I don't care anymore. Forgive me, I'm just ranting. This should be a diary post. So that most of you can ignore it, just as most people usually do. You only care about you, and your life. I understand. I don't blame you. You have your problems. I have mine. I get it. I won't pretend that my life matters more than yours, because it doesn't. Nothing matters. Least of all me. I don't even know why I'm here. Other than the fact that God has a sick sense of humor. And apparently I'm the punch line to some sort of cosmic joke. I am sure that some day I will look back on all of this and laugh. Hah, hah, hah. No, I'm not going to commit suicide. I want to. I really do. I want so badly just to die, to disappear, to not feel anything anymore. But I won't. Fuck if I know why. I guess God decided that I'm not done suffering yet. I guess there are still some more cosmic jokes for which I am supposed to be the punch line. I guess I have to hang around just so that people can point and laugh and taunt me more. Or maybe just so that they can ignore me, or lie to me, or treat me like shit, or rub it in my face that nobody cares about me. Yeah, I get it. Nobody cares. I'm a loser. Everybody hates me. I get it. My life has amounted to nothing. Thanks for reminding me, Captain Obvious. I already fucking knew that. There is nothing you can say to me that is worse than anything I've already said to myself. But be my guest. Give it your best shot. Try to make me feel worse than I already do. You keep burning someone, eventually they develop scar tissue. Eventually they can't feel anything anymore. My heart is now composed primarily of scar tissue. I really don't think I'm capable of feeling much of anything anymore. But try me. Please, by all means, try to cut me. Try to hurt my feelings. Try to make me feel anything at all. I would like to think that I'm still alive. That this all hasn't just been a dream. I want to believe that she was real, that our love was real, that anything is real. I want to believe that people are humans, not the demons that I see them to be. I want to believe that this is life, and not hell. I suspect that I may already be in hell. Suicide won't save me. How can you kill yourself if you're already dead?