Hi, Long story short, life with trauma/abandonment. Sought therapy the past few years. Helped a little. Gained insight. But suicidal feelings/thoughts never went away. Got back from vacation recently. Saw what it was like to be around people that gave a crap about me. Makes it all the worse knowing its out there and not having it here. Can't have friends because I'm damaging and attack people who try to get close. Can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm not unlovable or toxic infectious waste. Suicidal thoughts bouncing around for the past three+ years. Methods planned out. Multiple ways to go; high lethality ensured. Redundancies. Thought about sticking through the misery to get a medical degree. Coming to terms with the idea that I'm not smart enough for that. It was the only thing keeping me alive. The only thing that was worth it. Now its worthless. Can't focus, can't think properly. Never in the moment anymore. Therapy won't do it. Been there too many times, with too few tangible results. Forced to numb myself in other ways. The drugs are gone. The booze is gone. Left with television and mathematics. Sit at home on weekends, alone. Nothing left. Optimism has dissipated. The environment is drying me out. I only speak in fragments. Woe is me. So I speak the cliche: Why trudge through a lifetime of this disgusting state of living? Melting into the carpet for lack of a life. Unafraid yet unable to see the point. Why bother trying anymore. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same. Numb. For years. Its been four days since I've been loved and I don't know what it feels like anymore. I can't remember. Their voices are on mute - faces mouth words as they dissolve into black. They're disappearing. Soon they'll be gone, and I'll be alone again. I can't do that anymore. I can't do that anymore. Its too .... Words can't describe existing in that state. Nothing exists - nothing matters - especially not yourself. Just, nothingness. Numbed out below the ocean. Rant over.