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One awful thing after the other

#1
(TW: I'll probably mention suicide and self harm as it pertains to my story - obviously nothing graphic in any sense)

I thought this year was going to be my year. I'd just completed a year of counselling, after which my counsellor deemed me what I paraphrase to "to happy for therapy." I was optimistic and ready to enjoy my final year of high school. Then corona hit. I won't go into huge detail on that part because everyone's been affected by corona, I'm not special in that. But it did upset me, not being able to complete the year 12 milestones I was finally mentally well enough to actually enjoy, wondering if I would even graduate, and what that would look like, thinking that if it were my "grandfather" or literally anyone else and one ventilator, he would not be given it if the shortage continued. And then we did corona school. I was luckier than others in that I was only doing it virtual for about 7 weeks before things went back to normal. But that was only the beginning of my issues. My brain decided that it would be fun to think back onto that traumatic thing that happened like 8 years ago, and cause me hell for a while, that was fun. Possibly triggered by corona, some existential thoughts that I always had but never explored shot up full force, leading to some terrible anxiety symptoms I've never had with my typical anxiety. I'd get huge hot flashes, and my legs would shake uncontrollably, I wouldn't be able to curb these thoughts through any type of distraction, I just had to wait it out. I was pondering life and death related things, so it wasn't something I could rationalize. From then till about September, things were remotely okay. I was dealing with my lovely mental health, and going through periods of that existential anxiety stuff, but nothing earth shattering happened. Then, on September 2nd, our cohort received news none of us was expecting. A classmate had died to suicide. This was my first loss and I struggled coming to terms with my emotions, and initially I held a lot of guilt around what i did/didn't do that let do this. In the weeks afterward, I got very angry. I was angry at myself, at her, at the school, and at everyone in general. I was mad that the school kept talking about her, making suicide prevention day about her. As much as I understood that people were grieving, I just felt like it was glamourizing it. Like it was saying "If you kill yourself, everyone will be sad and talk about how beautiful you were for weeks" and I think this may have been due to my own previous suicidal thoughts. Early October, I became overwhelmed. The enormity of my existing mental health struggles, the recent loss of a classmate, the traumas that I'd been holding and the threat of that coming to light, as well as increased pressure in preparation for our final exams led me to feel like I was drowning. I began to have recurring thoughts that I should die. I shot them down immediately, disgusted at myself for thinking such things after what had happened. How could I do that to everyone, or even think of causing that pain so soon? My existential anxiety came back full force, causing moments where I began to question if I was even alive. I had to play sleep talk downs every night just to quiet my thoughts, and for a period of around 2 weeks, I felt so disconnected from reality and anxious that I felt more shell than human, constantly grounding myself in any way I could just to stay present. THen, on halloween, yet another terrible thing happened. This is already really long so I'll give the shortened version without much context. I was at a friends sleepover when the adult brother of a friend who was yet to arrive suddenly banged on our door. For the next 20 minutes, he proceeded to band on doors, scratch on window and press his horrific mask against the door, forcing us to see. After he left long enough for me to feel safe then came back with a loud bang, I was so startled and from the build up of anxiety that I was crying hysterically. Eventually, he left and my friends mother came home, yelling at all of us, making me feel incredible threatened. I ended up walking home in the middle of the night, crying hysterically because I felt so unsafe and threatened from one person I thouhgt I could trust. fallout from that caused a huge rift with my friends, and it seems like they all hate me.

On top of all this, I've reccently realised that even once I move 7 hours away for uni next year, there's no way I can afford the therapy I've been holding out for. I kept telling myself everything will be better when I go there, I'll be away from my family, I'll be able to get therapy. But it's not. It's just going to be a difficult transition and everything will be the same. I just feel like my life is just one door in my face after another, one more barrier that I have to overcome just to be at the same place everyone else is. And I know that others have it worse, that I am privileged. But that doesn't mean I enjoy not having a job because of my anxiety, having never driven a car at 17 because I have no car and noone to teach me, not being able to acess therapy because there is nothing where i live, and we couldn't afford it anyway, and all the other things that are harder for me because of my mental illness, my physical location, and financial status. It's hard to feel hopeful for life when it just feels like a race I can never win, with impossible hurdles dropped on me every 5 seconds.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this.
Eventually, he left and my friends mother came home, yelling at all of us
I don't know what reason she'd have to yell at you.
fallout from that caused a huge rift with my friends, and it seems like they all hate me
Do you want to say more about the fallout? Maybe there's a way to fix things.
On top of all this, I've reccently realised that even once I move 7 hours away for uni next year, there's no way I can afford the therapy I've been holding out for
Some schools will have counseling services for free. If the school you are planning to go to doesn't have good counseling, maybe you could look for another school.
Costs might be a restriction, but you can learn to drive through driving school.

The link in my signature can connect you to some information about treatment methods. There are some self-treatment options, and some affordable alternative treatment options that might be worth trying.

I hope something can help.
 

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