I have been on this forum for awhile now. I have tried to post in times of need, and it helped a little, obviously I am still here. But I have been going through some personal problems lately and I think to say that I am overwhelmed would be an understatement.
In the last two months, I have had a wreck and totalled my car, then a few weeks later, lost my job, so I had to get rid of the car that I had bought, long story dont ask, but it was a very stressful mess.
The main reason I have been on here is because of the stress and hurt I have felt from the break up from my ex bf back in Feb.
It's been a very long 8 months, and I have felt at times perfectly fine like I am getting better... but now I realize I am not. I have stopped trying to even find anyone else to date, I did try for awhile and all I kept coming up with was jerks and realized I compared all of them to him anyway so it was no use.
We have been talking this whole time, with the exception of a full month in August we did not talk to each other.
I started talking to him a month and a half ago and we have talked ever since then. But somethings have been different than they were before...
We have been getting along all this time, before after we broke up, we might talk, but we would never get along that long and always end up getting upset at each other over something.
And we have saw each other 3 times in the last few weeks. Which never happened that much before either. So that is a huge change. Also, he actually has admitted to me some things that I never ever thought I would hear him say... He told me he still loved me, that he had tried to get over me but just couldnt, said you never know what will happen, meaning with us, and also said something that really touched my heart, because I had thought and felt the same thing before, he said that he thought you only get one chance at true love in life... that meant so much to me...
So..... you are probably wondering, what is the problem then right?!! Just be patient and see what happens, right? Well I have been patient, I have been more patient than I ever thought I could be... but deep down there has been one little thing that has been tearing me up inside and is getting harder and harder to deal with each day... He has a GF now. Yea thats right a GF. As far as I know this is something that happened about the first of Sept. But he has told me he is not fully happy with her and that he didnt see it lasting long... well, in my eyes, if you are not fully happy with someone, why not just break up with them? Especially if you have someone else out there (me for example) that you supposedly love and want to be with... well he has never said he wanted to be with me again, just said that things have to happen on their own. He said he did not want to jump back into a relationship with me because he was afraid that it would start again, meaning the fighting and all the bad stuff from before, even though he has said that he sees I have made a lot of progress.. And I have.
So it leads me to this... just how long am I supposed to wait? Or should I wait at all? Not like I have anything else to do really... I think I already mentioned I have given up on dating. He is the only one I want. But sadly I do not think he feels the same about me, yes he said all that stuff, but still has the GF. Which BTW I do not think they even spend that much time together, and I really do not think it is that serious, but still he does have one.
So this is where I am at, I have given it a timeline, I figured if he is still with her by Xmas, that will probably be a good sign he has no plans of breaking up with her anytime soon which means I am pretty well out of the picture for good... That is just a few months away, and I am afraid of what is going to happen, but I have already started on my goodbye letter to him. Because I feel no matter what he says or how much I love him or how much he says he loves me, I feel he will not break up with her. This may be just my own pessimism, but I have to think the worst and be prepared for it.
I have already made up my mind what I am going to do and I think you know what I am talking about here... this is a suicide forum. I dont have to spell it out.
What is saddest for me is that after this happens, I am sure he will probably just go on as if I never existed, and I will be just a distant memory if even that.... Its a very sad thought, because deep down I really do not want to die, I would loved to have lived a long life with the person I loved and been happy, but the problem is I simply cannot be fully happy without him. And I cannot deal with being lonely like I have been lately anymore either...
In the last two months, I have had a wreck and totalled my car, then a few weeks later, lost my job, so I had to get rid of the car that I had bought, long story dont ask, but it was a very stressful mess.
The main reason I have been on here is because of the stress and hurt I have felt from the break up from my ex bf back in Feb.
It's been a very long 8 months, and I have felt at times perfectly fine like I am getting better... but now I realize I am not. I have stopped trying to even find anyone else to date, I did try for awhile and all I kept coming up with was jerks and realized I compared all of them to him anyway so it was no use.
We have been talking this whole time, with the exception of a full month in August we did not talk to each other.
I started talking to him a month and a half ago and we have talked ever since then. But somethings have been different than they were before...
We have been getting along all this time, before after we broke up, we might talk, but we would never get along that long and always end up getting upset at each other over something.
And we have saw each other 3 times in the last few weeks. Which never happened that much before either. So that is a huge change. Also, he actually has admitted to me some things that I never ever thought I would hear him say... He told me he still loved me, that he had tried to get over me but just couldnt, said you never know what will happen, meaning with us, and also said something that really touched my heart, because I had thought and felt the same thing before, he said that he thought you only get one chance at true love in life... that meant so much to me...
So..... you are probably wondering, what is the problem then right?!! Just be patient and see what happens, right? Well I have been patient, I have been more patient than I ever thought I could be... but deep down there has been one little thing that has been tearing me up inside and is getting harder and harder to deal with each day... He has a GF now. Yea thats right a GF. As far as I know this is something that happened about the first of Sept. But he has told me he is not fully happy with her and that he didnt see it lasting long... well, in my eyes, if you are not fully happy with someone, why not just break up with them? Especially if you have someone else out there (me for example) that you supposedly love and want to be with... well he has never said he wanted to be with me again, just said that things have to happen on their own. He said he did not want to jump back into a relationship with me because he was afraid that it would start again, meaning the fighting and all the bad stuff from before, even though he has said that he sees I have made a lot of progress.. And I have.
So it leads me to this... just how long am I supposed to wait? Or should I wait at all? Not like I have anything else to do really... I think I already mentioned I have given up on dating. He is the only one I want. But sadly I do not think he feels the same about me, yes he said all that stuff, but still has the GF. Which BTW I do not think they even spend that much time together, and I really do not think it is that serious, but still he does have one.
So this is where I am at, I have given it a timeline, I figured if he is still with her by Xmas, that will probably be a good sign he has no plans of breaking up with her anytime soon which means I am pretty well out of the picture for good... That is just a few months away, and I am afraid of what is going to happen, but I have already started on my goodbye letter to him. Because I feel no matter what he says or how much I love him or how much he says he loves me, I feel he will not break up with her. This may be just my own pessimism, but I have to think the worst and be prepared for it.
I have already made up my mind what I am going to do and I think you know what I am talking about here... this is a suicide forum. I dont have to spell it out.
What is saddest for me is that after this happens, I am sure he will probably just go on as if I never existed, and I will be just a distant memory if even that.... Its a very sad thought, because deep down I really do not want to die, I would loved to have lived a long life with the person I loved and been happy, but the problem is I simply cannot be fully happy without him. And I cannot deal with being lonely like I have been lately anymore either...