One day I will just be a memory, if that...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ket93, Oct 11, 2009.

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  1. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I have been on this forum for awhile now. I have tried to post in times of need, and it helped a little, obviously I am still here. But I have been going through some personal problems lately and I think to say that I am overwhelmed would be an understatement.

    In the last two months, I have had a wreck and totalled my car, then a few weeks later, lost my job, so I had to get rid of the car that I had bought, long story dont ask, but it was a very stressful mess.
    The main reason I have been on here is because of the stress and hurt I have felt from the break up from my ex bf back in Feb.

    It's been a very long 8 months, and I have felt at times perfectly fine like I am getting better... but now I realize I am not. I have stopped trying to even find anyone else to date, I did try for awhile and all I kept coming up with was jerks and realized I compared all of them to him anyway so it was no use.

    We have been talking this whole time, with the exception of a full month in August we did not talk to each other.
    I started talking to him a month and a half ago and we have talked ever since then. But somethings have been different than they were before...
    We have been getting along all this time, before after we broke up, we might talk, but we would never get along that long and always end up getting upset at each other over something.
    And we have saw each other 3 times in the last few weeks. Which never happened that much before either. So that is a huge change. Also, he actually has admitted to me some things that I never ever thought I would hear him say... He told me he still loved me, that he had tried to get over me but just couldnt, said you never know what will happen, meaning with us, and also said something that really touched my heart, because I had thought and felt the same thing before, he said that he thought you only get one chance at true love in life... that meant so much to me...

    So..... you are probably wondering, what is the problem then right?!! Just be patient and see what happens, right? Well I have been patient, I have been more patient than I ever thought I could be... but deep down there has been one little thing that has been tearing me up inside and is getting harder and harder to deal with each day... He has a GF now. Yea thats right a GF. As far as I know this is something that happened about the first of Sept. But he has told me he is not fully happy with her and that he didnt see it lasting long... well, in my eyes, if you are not fully happy with someone, why not just break up with them? Especially if you have someone else out there (me for example) that you supposedly love and want to be with... well he has never said he wanted to be with me again, just said that things have to happen on their own. He said he did not want to jump back into a relationship with me because he was afraid that it would start again, meaning the fighting and all the bad stuff from before, even though he has said that he sees I have made a lot of progress.. And I have.

    So it leads me to this... just how long am I supposed to wait? Or should I wait at all? Not like I have anything else to do really... I think I already mentioned I have given up on dating. He is the only one I want. But sadly I do not think he feels the same about me, yes he said all that stuff, but still has the GF. Which BTW I do not think they even spend that much time together, and I really do not think it is that serious, but still he does have one.

    So this is where I am at, I have given it a timeline, I figured if he is still with her by Xmas, that will probably be a good sign he has no plans of breaking up with her anytime soon which means I am pretty well out of the picture for good... That is just a few months away, and I am afraid of what is going to happen, but I have already started on my goodbye letter to him. Because I feel no matter what he says or how much I love him or how much he says he loves me, I feel he will not break up with her. This may be just my own pessimism, but I have to think the worst and be prepared for it.

    I have already made up my mind what I am going to do and I think you know what I am talking about here... this is a suicide forum. I dont have to spell it out.
    What is saddest for me is that after this happens, I am sure he will probably just go on as if I never existed, and I will be just a distant memory if even that.... Its a very sad thought, because deep down I really do not want to die, I would loved to have lived a long life with the person I loved and been happy, but the problem is I simply cannot be fully happy without him. And I cannot deal with being lonely like I have been lately anymore either...
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I had to go on a "man diet" for a good year to find me. The true me that is the center of my being. This is where I found some of the happiness that comes from within. I still have depression and other problems but I'm able to see it realistically now and work within that reality.

    :hug:
     
  3. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    your prepared to place your life in someone elses hands? why? do you think hed do the same for you? you dont need to be with somebody to be happy. besides hes with somebody else now, apparently has lost interest in you and tells you headfuck stuff, yeah now theres someone you can trust. im gonna stop before i insult someone.
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    When we have found what we perceive to be the "love of our life" and it doesn't work out, you think life is over. In all actuality, it is only beginning. We all suffer from heartaches in our lives at one time or another. Survivng them only makes us a stronger person in the end. There is no way a person can know if there is another someone for them that they have yet to meet. This person may be even better suited to you. How will you know if you give up now?
     
  5. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I guess that is part of the problem. I am ready to give up. I am done dealing with it all. I guess I am stupid for even listening to anything he has to say because he is with someone, no matter how serious it is.
    That is all the more reason I am done with it. I had hoped that it would work out but who am I kidding? It wont and I know that.
    Everyone says you do not have to be with someone to be happy. Well everyone is different. Some people are ok being alone and some are not. I am not ok with it. I have been alone for almost a year now and I am tired of it. I am lonely and I do not want to feel this way anymore. And like I said I have lost all interest in even trying to find someone else.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sometimes we have to do the opposite of what we feel to move forward. Try it you may find so much more than what you think you have in him. He is an ass and is holding on to you wants his cake and eat in to. Don't be a fool go out and show him you are strong and independant he might just see something that was missing before.
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Maybe this is life trying to show you this isnt the once in a lifetime chance at true love?

    And I think if you reread your post, your own words and thoughts on this, you'll see what I did hun, you already know that. I think there is your chance at true love waiting out there for you. But he isnt it. So maybe start trying to look around corners and in places that you havent looked before. Move on from him and give yourself a different outcome here. Dont give yourself a deadline because of him. Set yourself a future that is filled with journeys of attempts at finding that true love. He's out there hun, waiting to give you the love you deserve and not this half assed commitment from the other guy.
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Maybe part of the problem is that you are trying. Stop. Let yourself have a much deserved break here hun. You have been working very hard at keeping a "relationship" with this guy going, trying to remain atleast friends with him. You have been struggling with your own issues and working hard at improving yourself. And you see that too. You said you've made progress. Be proud of that hun. Despite all the pain of being alone you are making progress!!!! I think that is really remarkable and a feat not easily done. So give yourself a little breathing room now. There is nothing in the rule book that says you cant take some much deserved and earned you time now. Explore who you are. The you that wants to keep making progress. The you that has the courage to post here and let others in to try and help. The you that just needs some down time. The holiday season is approaching. And instead of letting it get you down because he isnt there to be a part of it, go out and really take in what the season is all about. Enjoy the lights and tinsel and hustle and bustle of it all. Phone up a friend or aquaintance or a family member and make "dates" to go out and just enjoy the festivities of the season. Go to a local church one night when they are performing carols. Rent some old old old classics like a Christmas carol (heck even rent the comedy versions of it). But put some of the effort you are using about worrying and hurting over this situation and turn it around into efforts to make yourself feel good about you. You not only deserve it but need it right now.
    Then sit down and give yourself a new deadline. Possibly set the new year as one that you are going to do for you. And I think once you find "yourself" you'll find that you wont be so alone and maybe even be on the road to finding that new one chance at true love. Dont rush it hun, you have a lifetime ahead of you yet to find it.
     
  9. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I want to first say that I truly do appreciate all of your comments and remarks. I know that the bottom line is yes, I do deserve to be happy. And as much as I wish it was going to be with him, I know deep down it probably will not be.

    In theory it all sounds good, trying to go out and do things for myself, be happy, do things with friends. Yes that would be great if I could really do all that and be happy and ok with everything. I wish I could and I really do wish it were that easy.

    Maybe I am being very closed minded here, and maybe I am being stupid, but I have to say this.... I believe in my heart that he was my one true love, and I believe he does still care about me. See, I hurt him very bad, the last few months of our relationship was really bad and I think that is why he is afraid of jumping right back into something with me. It is not to say that he won't or never will... I don't know. I know the chances are probably small at this point, but I do believe anything is possible.

    I know. Call me an idiot, stupid, whatever you will.... Unless you know every detail of what happened it is hard to really say what is going on and what will happen.
    Yes I do still have hope, maybe a fool's hope, but hope just the same.

    I am not trying to find anything else, that's just it. I gave up. I had tried to go out there and meet guys and date around just to see, but that proved to be more bs than anything.
    I get lonely, but I am ok for the most part being alone. But I have to say that with the holidays coming up that is the hardest thing for me to think about is spending them alone.
    I cannot even picture myself going out there and trying to keep busy or be happy during the holidays, they are always a depressing time of year for me anyway, and this year, not being with him, will be the hardest thing I have ever went through in my life.

    That is why I just do not know what will really happen, but I can say I am not sure at this point if I can really do it. If I can go through the holidays and be ok and know that this is my life. I am alone, miserable, and not with the only one person in my life I want to be with.

    I am not a stupid person, I am a very well educated person with goals and a lot to offer someone. Please do not think that just because I am feeling this way over a guy I am some poor helpless little girl crying because I am desperate. It is not like that at all... Although yes I have cried for months over him...

    What I am saying is that the heart wants what the heart wants. And although I have truly tried several times since our break up to get over him, here almost a year later, it is not happening... And I just am not sure it ever will. I love him so much and so deeply that I just do not know if it is really that easy to just get over him and go on about my life. I have tried that and it just isn't working.
    I really do not know what else to say at this point about it.

    I do appreciate everyone listening though and their support and guidance. Please do not think that what you say is in vain. I do listen and hopefully one day if this does not work out, I will be able to see things in a different light, but right now I just feel I have to at least give it a little more time and see what happens with me and him....
     
  10. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    talk to me if you ever feel like it. Be it on msn or here.
     
  11. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    this was what seems like long ago

    i imagine sometimes that he called the next day to you all so long ago.... said the new girlfriend dumped him or some such thing... that made him feel for a moment just how bad you are feeling here

    that you decided to not be alone but spend some more time with him because you have "hope" he doesnt have and any hope meant

    that even though it didnt work out again with him or anyone else.... you didnt come back here cause you were busy and your life changed

    cause hope is like that and we are all lonesome in some way and wanted to reach out to you

    and remember you even though you were feeling bad towards the end and the last time we spoke

    happy birthday and i am ever so sorry anything ever went wrong in your life

    suzy
     
  12. CosmikJack

    CosmikJack Member

    There are a couple things that suck about waiting, which is why I personally don't recommend it. We all have internal clocks, our clock the heart has only so many heart beats it can push out until we our no more. Time is actually money, but it also affects our bodies, minds, and spirits. It is true that he may still love you, human beings have the ability to love many all at the same time. Yes, it might be true that he is your one true love, and vice versa for him, but that does not mean you can be together. Not every thing works like they do in fairy tales, some relationships are so lustful and violent they just cannot continue on because the passion is so great in both hearts, minds, and souls. If you two actually believe this to be the truth, than you can will it to be so, but it might take years or decades, your passion may be even too great for multiple life times before you can be happy and together. My advice to you is not to wait and waste one single second of your time dwelling on your past and present and move one step into the future at a time. It will be tough and hard and once you start living life, life will happen. You should never wait for anything, because it may take some time, yet live your life and be prepared if it does happen. Dont live on what ifs, rather i dids.
     
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