one day

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, May 16, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    one day we'll be happy.

    one day the pain will end.

    one day we'll see those who have departed before us.

    but for right now we have to make it one day at a time.

    why is that so hard to do?

    so many pressures on us, expectations from others and from ourselves.

    don't we have to plan for the future to have hope

    if we take it one day at a time how can we progress positively?

    shouldnt we have goals and hopes and dreams,

    so that we can move forward?

    or at least try to move forward?

    one day all will change for me, well it has already I suppose.

    one day more is all I'll be asking for here soon.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I just want to cry, to sit and cry and have someone hold me. The tears keep forming but I push them back. I'm protecting others and I have no one else to cry to. Sounds stupid, but there it is.

    This afternoon I feel completely overwhelmed, this isn't good. Its not good because its too early in the day for these feelings. They normally creep in later on in the day, but today they are early. Its freaking me out, I'm scared.

    i'm having problems breathing. The reality of all hit again today. Its stupid how I think I can forget it or even get used to something.

    I need something I can punch, alcohol and some friends.

    Friends is the only one that I don't have.

    Pity party for me. bullsh*t.
  3. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    talking to forum users is never the same as a close friend but i hope we can help in some way. im sorry you feel the need to cry and even more so that you have no one to hug you :'(
    what are you protecting others from? the knowledge that you are unhappy?
    virtual hug
  4. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hey Mo :hug:

    there are only 2 people you have to protect, you + 1, there is no room for anymore right now.

    you are going through a v v difficult time and the transition in your relationship cannot be rushed and can be v painful. there will come a time when you deal with it rather than cope and it will get you through, dont put pressure on yourself to do this that or whatever. try and enjoy the here and the now...dont worry about tomorrow until it comes.

    take care, thinking of you :hug:
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thanks Monika, icequeen

    I think I get wound up as I'm powerless in all of this and there are days when I can't do anything right in others eyes, or so it feels.

    I hope a day will come where we can be completely honest with each other and what is ahead.

    I also wish, selfishly, for a time when I'll feel peace.

    I just keep feeling I'm not doing enough, like I'm letting them down. Self questioning is nothing new I suppose.

    4am and time to try and sleep, uggh tomorrow is going to be a rough one.

  6. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I understand the need to cry in someones arms. I hope you can find that.

    I am sorry it is one of these days for you. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair.

    I wish there was something I could do for you.

  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Julia :hug:

    Just keep reminding myself to breath deep today.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Still trying to breath, nearly 2am, am wrecked but mind still spinning. Same story, different day!

    I suppose tomorrow is our big day, will find out if its spread elsewhere etc. Am scared. It'll be another milestone or another date to remember for this or that. Too many of those dates.

    I'm really honestly pretty pissed off with the cancer center. I don't want to type it but %$^&!! I wish they'd listened re the pain and the symptoms and the cyclical pattern etc., SOMETHING was going on, but nope - wouldn't listen.

    Don't know how you can play with someone's life. Well its not play, I know its not, but why not take their concerns a bit more seriously? Listen, empathize and DO SOMETHING.

    Be proactive, not reactive.

    Esp with this stuff, its a nasty, virilent type.

    Amazing how many docs think they know so much more than the patient, when the patient is the one with the symptoms and the illness and the feelings and the side effects etc.

    okay, time to be quiet.
  9. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Never be quiet, never stop letting your voice be heard, and never stop talking about what bothers you. In return, I will never stop listening. :hug:
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you Julia, means a lot.

    Still waiting on the phone to ring, such a wave of emotions of dread etc.

    Getting a little panicky, trying to control myself.

    :hug: I hope you have a good day, thanks again.
  11. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    any news hun?
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks - I sent you a msg.

    Take care.