One for the girls :P

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Feb 2, 2009.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni



    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/ fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'

    Below is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stresses that build during the day;

    1 Grapefruit
    1 slice wholemeal toast
    1 cup skimmed milk

    1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
    1 cup herbal tea
    1 biscuit

    The rest of the biscuits from the packet
    1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

    4 bottles of wine (red or white)
    2 loaves garlic bread
    1 family size supreme pizza
    3 chocolate bars

    1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

    'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

    Finally, here's some advice for you:

    Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

    So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

    Yu haf no idr who fuggen gud I fel.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hahaha I love it!
  3. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    i think ive seen this on oprah :huh:
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    *Nursing Home Sex...*
    > *
    > Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
    > Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
    > Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
    > One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
    > chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
    > After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
    > asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
    > She asks, 'What?' *
    > *'Sex!!' he replies
    > Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a
    > gun to your head!'
    > 'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
    > it for a while.'
    > Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
    > manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
    > each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
    > hold Harold's manhood.
    > Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
    > Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
    > She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by
    > the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's
    > manhood!
    > Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel
    > have
    > that I don't have?'
    > Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'*
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

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