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One hundred percent darkness. ** Warning - May Trigger **

Discussion in 'Opinions, Beliefs, & Points of View' started by Bart, Nov 23, 2014.

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  1. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    There are good days and bad days. Today it’s been bad from the outset when I realised how useless and incompetent I am. Despite some very positive inputs, I was unable to escape from feelings of gross inadequacy and the world outside me diminished as my negative mind took control of the whole me. I tried to fight it with some positive actions but I was unable to escape the torrent of inner voices telling me how useless, unworthy and detestable I am. My son made a comment that made me realise that he’s angry with me (for being ill) and this reinforced the negative self-beliefs.

    Unable to bear myself, and cognisant of the effect I could be having on my family, I took myself away to my room where I thought I’d try and practice some Mindfulness. I was unable to concentrate. I’d spent the day feeling mentally at war with myself and physically at the point of collapse. Lying down did help a bit with the physically discomfort but the mind was crammed with vicious destructive assaults that built a darkness that enveloped not just me but the world around me as I perceived it. Visions of snakes snapping at me and people looking at me with disgust all pointed to me having to do the right thing by them and save them suffering me any longer. I feel I have failed everybody whom I should serve and protect. Surely it is better to do the noble thing and save them further pain? I wrangled with my negative mind, trying to get a word in edgeways, but being shouted down with further reasons why I should terminate my deplorable existence.

    As that was not helping, I left my room and went outside. It’s a cold, wet and dark Sunday afternoon. Others in the house have taken themselves away to do whatever they want. I am left in a lonely state where negative thoughts and punishing directives offer me no hope for the future. I try and think how I can help myself, but the negative mind just tells me I am beyond hope and do not deserve help. The non-stop barrage becomes too much and I beg to find anything which will divert me even for a short while to a place where I am not tormented.

    But there is no let-up. I’m smothered by my negative mind which instructs me to end it all. I have fought back for so long. If there was a reason to live, wouldn’t that have come to me by now?

    And my mind speaks back to me, ‘There is no reason’
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Bart, when we all get down to the lowest point of our life, we must be strong and fight the forces of darkness. The darkness will always over us like a dark cloud but with our support you can do it. I believe in you and that surely should make a difference. Your children would miss you and please do not anything at all. I am just stranger but I do not like to see you suffering alone. I know it's easy to say but you need to take one day at at time. We can feel and hear the heartache you feel but we can help you. You must remember, you not the only one feeling the pain in the world but we can help you. I feel your pain and it really saddens me that you feel that you so down. But we are still here and that's down to the help and support of this forum. So you are delicate at the moment like I have stated before but we can help you through life. Stay strong we will get through this tough time. It's a promise. So take it to heart that a stranger some where in the world is willing to help YOU. You are NOT ALONE.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2014
  3. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    I know you wrote this a week or so ago. But was hard to read. I identify Bart with those emotions you have faced and probably still are even though they are unique only to you. The "being mentally at War" with oneself is a dreadfully hard battle to overcome. Sometimes we just have to stop fighting or trying fight and just be in the moment. Like I am doing tonight right now. Thoughts and feelings rage. But I stuffed 2 bars of chocolate down my throat (i still feel ill but not from my sickness but from over eating) and watched a movie. Escape yes but it was a good film. And a few hours passed the mind grows a little calmer. Those terrible moments can pass. Take care and when needed - reach out!
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