hi, i'm 28 male. no qualifications, only one skill (the arts...), been working hard at something since i was 18, never really succeeded in it. history of depression, was on medication from 19 - 26. over night (a few weeks ago), my girlfriend of 10 years and sole creative partner has left after acting suspiciously for a month. refused all contact with me. taken with her, in all honesty, my ENTIRE life. the last person i ever, ever would've thought would cheat...let alone fuck me over and abandon me in this way. my prospects have overnight become very bleak. and, to be honest, i do feel like it's one massive kick in the teeth too many that life that sent my way. been thinking about suicide but i don't really fancy any methods that are available to me. also, more importantly, i'm close to my Mother and i know it would absolutely destroy her life. so i'm kind of trapped between desperately wanting a way out of the pain and yet not wanting to destroy my Mother's life. also i'm scared of going to hell. if guns were available where i live, i think, in all honesty, i would blow my fucking sorry brains out...but they aren't. i have boxes of anti depressents and have been thinking about hanging myself a lot. maybe combining the two. i just feel my options in life are grinding down and i'm in so much pain and anger at more or less everything in the world. and i have been for many years. this just feels like the final straw. i also want to make my soulmate pay, in a way that means she can never, ever truly move on or forget what she's done. cuz she'll have me hanging round her fucking neck as a reminder for the 10 years i dedicated to her and how she so coldly fucked me over. that's about it.