one life gone... please humor me and read...

[merkaba]

Suicide would feel redundant compared to what I've gone through in this last week. The only person for whom I had a strong enough attachment to hold onto my life, my spouse of almost 3 years, walked out of my life this weekend. Although never married, this is still a divorce, make no mistake. I never got to kiss her goodbye, and she refuses to talk to me. Our relationship has been reduced to me leaving messages on her voicemail, and her leaving notes in the apartment for me while I'm gone at work. I feel like I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown, but with carrying the lease on my own now with a shitty teacher's salary, I simply cannot afford to have emotions of any significance right now. I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm still doing here. I feel cursed. Raped at 5 and now being abandoned by the person who helped me through the trauma of those memories... I don't have the words. I know that a good portion of her leaving has to do with my depression and with my lack of interest in sex. Still... I thought my love of her a whole person without the sex was enough... I guess not. I want someone to walk through the door and shove a gun down my throat. I want someone to push me off a building. Anything. I want the choice to be out of my hands, because I am so tired of the futility of choice.:badday:

 

[Tak]

Hey Merkaba

I hope you find the strength to continue.

I had to reply to your post as i am in a way in the same boat as you, but from your spouses point of view. I am trying to get the courage to leave, and just wish that someone would kill me instead, or that I could have the courage to do it myself, as I know living him will kill him. I read you words and now that that is how my husband will feel when i leave, but to stay kills me as well.

I really hope that you can work through this (the words sound so empty, but are said with genuine feeling) and if you want to talk further feel free to PM me.

Tak