one month to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by J-Hay, Dec 1, 2009.

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  1. J-Hay

    J-Hay Member

    I originally submitted my story back in the spring. Although it took some time, I eventually became better and little more myself. But then in September things took a turn for the worse once again. I'll keep this brief and to the point. I lost my job(fired to be more precise) and as a result, in some sense I lost my friends as well. I've applied everywhere, every place of business within a reasonable distance and, as you can guess with the economy in it's current state, have had no luck.

    I'm going stir crazy as a result of being cooped in this godforsaken house day in and day out. I've no running vehicle and even if I lived within walking distance(I don't) to the nearest place of business, it's December. So even if I get lucky and find someone who'll hire me, I'm gonna have a hell of time getting back and forth to work.

    And the loneliness, god the loneliness, has really taken it's toll on me these past few weeks. Realizing that I'm lonely and admitting it makes me feel pathetic. Which it should. I'm a sad sap and know it. Yet I feel helpless to do anything about it. There's more, but that's gist of it, so I'll just get to the point.

    I've decided to do It. You know what the "It" is that I'm talking about. But I've also decided to wait until after the New Year. The impending holiday season will be depressing enough as it is for my family, so there's no need to add to that. I'm not that sad of a sap.
    So I have about a month for someone to help change my mind. I'm skeptic, but I came here as a last resort. You know, before the final last resort.
  2. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Hi J. I know how you feel about being tied up in the house all day and night. I am also very isolated. I get so lonely and bored and drives me even more crazy. I do have one trusted email friend I journal to each day.....for years. i also pass the time with my only remaining hobby. Guitar. But I've even tried gluing toothpicks together just to kill time.
    I'm also on a whole gammet of anti depressants. They work a little and help ease the depression.
    Maybe consider checking into a hospital? Its a nice realxing stay and all your issues will be addressed.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i can understand the job situation. in that month you have given yourself .. keep trying to find employment. hell, try walmart, try target.
    i moved to a new state with no job and no tranportation. i work at walmart .. no im not proud of it, but its a job. i also ride my bike to and from work. i do what i have to do. it sucks but i decided theres more to life and i want to be around. i know the holidays suck when you cant afford anything, but you gave yourself a month. do something with that time.
  4. nash4MVP

    nash4MVP Member

    I hear you. I've been trying hard for three months to find a job (searching every day/ probably sent out 400 resumes by now) and I've heard back on two. Add to that the fact that I have no car now and am paying nearly $800 in rent with absolutely no income coming in. I don't know when it gets better. All I can tell you is that you're not alone.
  5. nash4MVP

    nash4MVP Member

    I do agree with Odiecom. Make this a month of trying to discover yourself. I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but deciding to end your life is a serious decision. Even if you don't consider yourself religious, God is someone that should be factored in. The one thing that stops me from ending my life (something I've seriously considered three times) is thinking that, life is a test that God gives us, and suicide is quitting and failing that test.

    From what I can tell about you (reading your story and this post), you seem like a guy who's stronger than 99.5% percent of anyone else. You seem like a guy who has his priorities in order (not valuing possessions/buying a car you can't afford) with a family that you love.

    The other big thing that you have to consider before ending your life is really how it will effect the people you care about. There's a great book that everyone contemplating suicide should read called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl- a psychiatrist who was a concentration camp survivor. In his book, he talks about finding meaning in suffering. He gives an example of a man who'd been mourning the death of his wife, so much so that he couldn't function years later. Frankl then asked the man if he'd rather it'd been him that died instead of his wife. Of course the man said that he'd rather be the one that died. However, Frankl then made the point that his wife would then be the one suffering instead of the man. The wife would be feeling the same debilitating feelings that the man was. By being the sole survivor of the two, the man was able to see that, by being the one that was crying and suffering, he was sparing his wife from feeling those feelings.

    What my point from all that is, suffering and pain doesn't go away, it just goes somewhere else. If you were to end your life, the pain and loneliness that you feel now will only be transferred to your parents and two sisters (and her infant, who would be much less likely to grow up to lead a happy life). Plus, it would mean that the girl that used you and her A-hole husband had won.
  6. nash4MVP

    nash4MVP Member

    I could even send you the book if you'd like
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

  8. J-Hay

    J-Hay Member

    I don't want to sound like a dick, but give me a break. First of all, you make the mistake of assuming that there is a god, as if it's a matter of fact and not faith. Second, you say god is "testing" us. Testing us for what? I thought god was supposed to be all-knowing, so if he/she/it knows what we are going to do before we even think about doing it, then that's not "testing" us; that's toying with us. And third, if there is a god, then don't you think it's pretty obvious that this god doesn't really give two shits about what's going on down here on this tiny floating rock we call earth?

    If the whole god factor helps you get through the day, then more power to you. That's cool, that's your thing. But realize it's not everyone's cup of tea. So for future reference for anyone else who might be thinking about bringing "god" into this- don't.

    I know you are only trying to help but, just don't. It's pointless and annoying. Again, I apologize for sounding crass, but this isn't a religious forum.
  9. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    i can't believe its hard for people not to get jobs these days coz of the economy. However, i still feel that you should Please hang on there and not do "IT" because you have mentioned that you have a family. I am sure if you look for jobs at or craig's list, something will show up.
    i also have to catch the bus up here and its cold, i got used to it.
  10. Sparklemama

    Sparklemama Well-Known Member

    I have the same situation with the loneliness and being isolated from everyone.I suffer from depression and I do isolate myself from the world even from those who care even just a little to see what I am up to.I sleep all day because Its my escape.I also can't find employment and I do not have transportation which means I have to have money to get around in public transportation (with no income coming in it's pretty hard)
    The best advice I can give you is find that one thing in your life just anything that you know you don't want to leave behind wether its a family member or a friend or even just a whole bunch of plans that you have yet to carry out, just anything.
    Killing yourself off is not solving anything it is just running away from your problems.If you die you leave behind a lot of people who will suffer and in turn feel just as bad as you do now.I know how hard it is,the thought of suicide has gone through my mind more times than I can even keep count but just know that the will to live and the fight to get better will bring a positive feeling in your life.If you do not fight for yourself to get better who will?
    I wish you the best and remember that you have this wonderful forum who have lovely people who are going through the same exact problems and are here to talk.You can share your problems or just talk to others who know exactly how it all feels.Trust me it helps!
    I wish you the best and I hope you can continue to stick it out and hopefully we will see you here next month and beyond.Take care!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2009
  11. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    There's no reason anyone that is healthy, need do themselves in. I'd turn to crime before I'd do myself in.

    If you've got your health you've got it all, you just need to realize that.
  12. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi j-hay,

    thanks for giving us this month to help you change your mind, first of all. it suggests to me that, in principle, you don't actually want to die - killing yourself is just the only concrete option you see right now. so down to brass tacks, we gotta find you some others, right?

    so onto a stupidly large number of questions, i hope this isn't totally obnoxious and/or overwhelming, these are just the ideas i came up with.

    1) money - in your earlier post, you said you were supporting 5 other people on your income. is that still the case?

    if so, are any of your other family members having any luck finding work? if your mother is still unable to work, is she on disability? do either of your parents qualify for social security? are any of you able to get on any kind of state aid, food stamps, welfare, medicare, debt consolidation, whatever, for the time being until the job situation improves? do you have any expenses you can reduce?

    if not (if you're living alone now), do you have anyone else you can stay with until you get back on your feet? can you rent out one of the rooms in your place, or maybe sublet the whole place and crash with a friend or relative for awhile?

    2) jobs/transportation - is there any kind of public transportation where you live? do you know anyone who would be able to give you a ride to work, if you had work? is there somewhere you could advertise and offer something like "you take me to work in the morning and i will shovel your snow" or whatever? is there any specific reason why you can't expand your job search to places that would require you to move? do you have any prospects for working from home (data entry, telemarketing, starting a home business, doing child care, whatever)?

    3) loneliness/boredom - i can totally relate; several of the periods in my life where i have been royally fucked mentally have been times when i couldn't find work or couldn't work. and you're not pathetic for being depressed because you're terribly lonely and terribly bored. humans are social creatures, man. and they need mental stimulation.

    so in the spirit of getting you out of the house, and potentially also meeting new people who can help you with the job/transportation search: are there any free or very cheap social things going on in your area? (book clubs, lectures, bingo nights, jogging/hiking/fishing/frisbee golf/polar-bear-swimming clubs, public concerts, square dances, poetry slams, speed dating events, nature walks, whatever you are into, i dunno) are there any volunteer opportunities in your area?

    4) suicidal thoughts - are you in any kind of therapy?
    if you are, how is that going?
    if not, were you ever in the past?
    if you were, what made you stop?
    if you weren't, what's stopping you?

    hang in there. sorry for the long post. i really, really hope we can find some ways of getting you through this. don't give up on us yet!
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