one more day and then i'll do it... (W-o-T)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by strange, Sep 2, 2007.

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  1. strange

    strange Member

    --wall of text--

    i keep saying that... one more day... one more day...but how many one more days is it... because i can't stand it... truthfully i don't want to die i just want things to change, i want someone to care. i want to be allowed to live my own life and not be guilted into anything... no one cares about me but i care too much about everyone else, more then anyone else i care too much about my mom, when she doesn't respect me at all...

    (i wish the 4400 was real along with the promicine shot... i'd totally take without hesitation, die or come back with a power. 50/50 chance. if i didn't die i'd totally go to promise city...)

    i must have known that my mother would hold me back, use me, and abuse me mentally... which is why i wanted away so badly when i was younger... my parents divoirce when i was 3 yrs old, at 5yrs of age i begged my mom and dad to let me live between them one month here the next month there. when i was 8-11yrs of age my mom wouldn't threaten me that if i didn't bring my grades up she would send me away to boarding school, i told her i wanted to go, let look at the brochures. school trips i looked forward to, i wanted to go for the forein exchange program, but no no no was what i got. or she'd accidently forget or i'm bothering her to much with this stuff... she never let me go,even when it came to college, when i figure out where i wanted to go i was figuring out how to change my grades, my school life... i would have been able to get scholarships and everything i just know it, but she repeatedly told me i was doing this for nothing, that i wasn't smart enough, that i was already a screw up and i could change it now... i gave up because of her... i went through the rest of high school and now going to the community college(ps. i'm 21)...

    her telling me i wasn't smart enough to go to college was only the start... i was always fine with my body shape, with having a few extra pounds(when i say a few i mean like 10lbs, not like 50lbs over). well she started in on how fat i was getting and that was making me ugly. i need to lose weight, i need to shape up, i need to run a mile, i need to go to the gym, or i'm just a fat lazy bum... at the time i was in dance classes 5 days a week 3 hours a day as it was, i was doing more then enough exercise plus i was in cross country running and track while at school... well needless to say i feel so ugly its pathitic... when i hate my self i ask for a short short haircut, so now i look ugly aweful too, i cut all my hair of once when i was ten and i'd been asking to get my hair chop of since 3 yrs ago... recently my mom has been commenting on how i have no compassion for others, that i have no feelings... soon i'll be back to the state of not being able to cry. thats the only way that i know i still have some kinda feelings... i already feel like a zombie...

    my mother likes my brother more, loves him more... and they're a perfect match. she pushed him to do the forien exchange program, but he refused to do it. she pushed him to go to university and he came home after flunking his freshmen year and hasn't left. my brother had a slight lisps when he began to speak and my mom got a specialest, or whatever, to fix him... i swear i have slight dsilxia and they never did anything to fix it(love being a cashier, but i hate saying the customers totals!)... i've been wanting to learn how to cook for years, in high school my mom told me that was a class for home makers, thats not for you! my mom just recently talked me down and out of cooking school while she pushed and helped my brother into the cooking school... he only thought of it for the past 6 weeks, top chef is a great show!... give me a break!!!!

    i am unwanted by all of my family members, but this family is also over protective... i over heard a few time when i was younger that my mom only wanted one child, my saintly brother is older and he can do no wrong... you let my mom talk about her kids and she'll tell you how great my bro is and how aweful her daughter(me) is... my dad only wants to be a part time dad, i truly realized this when i begged for a place to stay and he said no room when i KNOW he has an extra bedroom... my uncle had to tell me face to face that he didn't want me, he told me i could move in with him, to make sure it was ok with my mom that it was a PERMANT MOVE and she said it was fine. i get there and three days later he kicks me out, brings me all the way cross country just to kick me out at my own expense!!... then my cousin took me in told me i could live with her i fill out 20 applications the next day i was going to turn them in and she says sorry you can't stay here you have to go home... she sat on top of me while she told me what to click and press and made me buy the plane ticket home(to my moms) and then stayed with me mostly until i boarded the plane... it was aweful...

    i've told my mom of my feelings of depression, the first thing she told me was that i was being stupid, to snap out of it, that it was a mind game. the second thing she did was take me off her health insurance. third thing she did was tell me it was my fault she took me off her health insurance... gosh i hate my mom... i'm pretty positive i have social anxiety(SA), i think i've had it all my life, but it laid dormiant for several years... 2yrs ago is when my life started going down hill and a little over 2yrs we moved cross country, a small town in AZ to subrubia of south florida, both very hot, but completely different and i like cold weather... as you most likely should know by now guess who choose to come to FL... you got it: my brother, my mom asked "us kids" although i was at work at the time :huh: where we wanted to live... when we moved my SA came in full flegde again, i have no friends at all here... and my mom never made it easy as she talked all the time about how if we walk two feet outside your door someone will kidnap, rape, and murder you, don't trust anyone! shoot she made me so terrorifed to go outside. i wanted to move out, get roommates, but she said no... she wanted to meet these people talk to their parents and all this shit!*excuse the language* no one would want me as a roommate with a mom like that to deal with... and i have no money to move out now nor will i ever have the money, unless i win the lotto... my mom makes me pay 560 bucks a month to live at home,only thing that includes is a 40dollar cell phone bill... i mainly buy my own food, because she complained that the 5 for $5 tv dinners were too expensive...

    i've given up, i'm a waste of space, why should i be here!!! but for some dumb f*ck reason the one more day never comes... when will it come... i can't get help because i'm to scared to go alone, and i have no friends or family that will take me. i can't move out because i have no money and my mom will begoing crazy on the poor people just because she freakin can!...

    life sucks and then you die can i die now?
  2. Produn

    Produn New Member

    I don't know if this will mean anything to you or not, but for what it's worth I am sorry that your mother has neglected you all your life. What you have to hang on to and remember is that you're not living your life for her, you're living your life for you. This world can be a hard place, I know that all to well. At the same time, I know that there is also a lot of good in this world and it's well worth fighting to hang on for. I sincerely hope you find the strength to carry on, and if there's anything I can do to help give you that strength I will.
  3. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Hey pal, no matter what you are thinking right now, please consider many things. I am sure you can find a way out. You are still new and you need to stay with us and let people help you before you decide anything. We are all here because we need help and wanting to help others.

    I can totally relate to your story and I am still going through it all the time, but I know if I give up now, that means I am letting the odds win and I won't let that happen! I hope you can feel the same too and hang on! Please stay and let us help you, and take good care. :hug:
  4. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    I love the 5 for $5 tv dinners. My freezer is full of them :biggrin: You can email me or Windows message me at if you ever need to talk, or if you feel the force telling you I need to. :confused:
  5. strange

    strange Member

    thanks to all who replied... but i tried to end it last night anyway, but HOLY PISS! how many stupid pills do you have to take??? i took over 50... and after about 3 hours i finally passed out for like an hour and then woke up... my mom didn't even know... when i woke she decided to just then go to bed... it was turning 10pm... right now my stomach is a little queezy, but thats it... maybe i'm just retarded... *sigh*:sad:
  6. Laivindie

    Laivindie Member

    Dear, I don't have a strength to tell you: Don't do it anymore!!!!
    But still I think that you are NOT alone! Your mother loves you in different way, I know you don't think example me, I still live for my mother, she needs you. I've seen a mother who lost his "not perfect" child, It was so terrible that I you cannot imagine that.
    I made a picture with my feeling, if you could, please, read what is there written, I think it is true.
  7. strange

    strange Member

    all i have is a stupid stomach ache... and even if i tried i could take anymore of those pills... its retarded, i'm retarded... life sucks and then you die................
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