One more day.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Isa, Jul 5, 2007.

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  1. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    I know I sound like a child stamping their foot but here it is.

    tomorrow I have another psychiatric assesment this time with the CMT

    I have been assessed by 2 psychiatrist and a psychologist since I was 15 (im 20 next week). All of them claimed it was my age, or that I was not severe enough to warrant help.

    Now I have paranoia, social anxiety disorder, 2 years being housbound, 2 years being suicidal, self harm, violent imagery about strangers, mood dysthymia and acute depressive episoders under my belt will I be enough to get help.

    Unlikely.

    So heres the deal

    If tomorrow I have another psychiatrist refuse to help me, tomorrow night I will kill myself.

    I have thought this through carefully. I will tell my mother I am going out to walk my new puppy. I will tied him to the gate (inside the garden) and run. I will be able to buy 2 boxes of pain killers from each store (thats the maximum they sell you). <Mod Edit:Methods>

    At tesco I will also buy vodka, I have ID as I am old enough to drink in this country but no one ever IDs me, as I look older than my age. So that will be no problem.

    I will leave the shopping center and go somewhere private. I have a few places in mind, I will have to work out which one is closer, as the longer I walk the tireder I will be and I need energy to execute this.

    I will go somewhere private that my mom does not often go so she is not haunted with daily reminders.

    Next week I will / would of turned 20. Perfect timing dont you think.

    I will wipe my mp3 player tonight and put only the songs I want to hear in my final minnutes on there.

    And that will be goodnight..


    I feel at peace writing this, I am sad, as usual, but that is caused by life, not the fear of death. Whatever awaits in the afterlife I will at least meet people who love me there.


    I will resist the usual urge to copy this paste to my close friends online who know my boyfriend. I dont want him to know about this. But he will find this text eventually so..

    <Mod Edit:Suicide Note>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2007
  2. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    Sighs. Poor Joe.
     
  3. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    NightMares,

    Im so sorry you are feeling so desperate and I do hope you are able to get some help that you deserve from your medical team...please let us know how it goes.....thinking of you, and sending many prayers and hugs for strength....


    BIG HUGS
    -Jodi
     
  4. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Nightmares]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
     
  5. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    Sighs.

    Just got in. Have not bought any tablets yet as mum is watching me like a hawk. Have 2 days til joe arrives. Will get them sometime soon, as soon as she goes out.







    It went ok. He said theres nothing in psychiatry that can help me. I have another appointment on the 11th if im still alive.

    I am numb and dead now. And very tired.

    Too tired. Im sorry.
     
  6. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    oh sorry mods. Didnt realise...


    um.. anyways..

    just came to post that im alive for now, im being watched like a hawk atm.. will try to get out of the house again tomorrow and sunday, if not then joe will be here (my partner) and i cant do it while hes here.. i just cant..

    umm btw, why do you edit out 'suicide notes'? If I die this weekend and he asks you guys what it said do you have records?

    I understand its triggering to read but only because it shows Im going to commit suicide, but the whole thread does that so .. I dont get it.

    It could be because people often dont do it, and its to guilt trip people, but joe isnt a member of this forum (yet) and i just wanted him to know i was thinking of him, and aware of his pain and love when I had my last days...

    He knows i use a support forum, he knows the names of all the important people in my life, it wouldnt take him long to work out which member I was...

    Just questioning it, not getting stroppy, I know you have a job to do, i just dont understand that.

    xooxoxoxox
     
  7. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    aaaaaaaaaaaarefesghnbtrikbnlfdgjghdsahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsoudibsjfghgfahg


    grrr.


    going mad. she wont leave me alone.

    i need to go out to buy pills, just Fuck OFF.
     
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Isa, I'm sorry that you feel that way. Please hang in there. I know it must be tough but I know you can over come this. Talk to us here on SF, i'm sure by talking about it more it will help ease the pain.
     
  9. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    Nightmare,

    Please don't do anything sudden or rash, honey. Believe it or not, people here love you and respect you for the amazing person you are. Buying tablets, drinking vodka and dying alone? You don't want to even think about it, let alone do it.<Mod Edit: Abacus21-inappropriate>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2007
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