God, it's debilitating, this is the first time in a long time I have literally NOT HAD ONE FRIEND and I am not dealing with it so well. But I have brought this on myself so I just have to deal with it. - I'm the one who has cut all of my friends out. - I'm the one who hasn't been answering Emails. - I'm the one who hasn't been picking up the phone. - I'm the one who hasn't been replying to text messages. - I'm the one who has changed my phone number and deleted all of my Email addresses. - It's all me. The truth is, I just can't handle people, I can't handle being around them anymore so I have cut them out of my life. Obviously I cannot cut my family out (they wouldn't let me!) so they are still around, and the online friends are around because we don't see each other so it's not the same, but everyone else, well... they are all gone. I suppose the question to that would be why? So many were bad friends, yes. Using me for their own personal gain, only calling when they wanted something, never being there for me when problems were deeper than just the usual crappy everyday ones on the surface. All true. But on the other side of that truth is me. I wasn't a good friend to them either. A good friend isn't jealous, envious and never happy for you when you achieve something. A good friend isn't needy and overbearing and always 'me me me'. A good friend doesn't get so wasted that you have to look after them and just expect to be forgiven because they have an 'illness', when their iron tongue puts you down and makes you feel like shit. A good friend doesn't constantly break plans. A good friend doesn't slag you off behind your back. A good friend doesn't secretly want to sabotage your good fortune. Yes I did all of those things and I am not proud of myself, and when I realised what I had done, I had a breakdown. I broke down because I saw myself for what I really was and decided they were better off without me and I was better off without them also. Sometimes I think I am the guiltiest sociopath in the world, because I feel something for some people and nothing for others, I can be so giving yet so selfish at the same time. I can be so empathetic yet so judgemental, and the bottom line is I treat people this way because I am pissed off - I'm pissed off that I don't have what they have and I want it. I'm pissed off that they have managed to get somewhere and I haven't. I'm pissed off that I am me and they are them... and that they just expected me to be okay with that. Admitting it feels like a weight has been lifted but also makes me feel sick that I've been this way for so long and now I have to start changing that and I don't even know where to begin. But what I do know is, until I figure that out I am safer not being around people in case I intentionally or unintentionally sabotage them again, and then get depressed because of my actions, again. So loneliness, consume me - we'll be together for a while.