One more post for the lonely

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Aug 10, 2009.

  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    God, it's debilitating, this is the first time in a long time I have literally NOT HAD ONE FRIEND and I am not dealing with it so well.

    But I have brought this on myself so I just have to deal with it.
    - I'm the one who has cut all of my friends out.
    - I'm the one who hasn't been answering Emails.
    - I'm the one who hasn't been picking up the phone.
    - I'm the one who hasn't been replying to text messages.
    - I'm the one who has changed my phone number and deleted all of my Email addresses.
    - It's all me.

    The truth is, I just can't handle people, I can't handle being around them anymore so I have cut them out of my life. Obviously I cannot cut my family out (they wouldn't let me!) so they are still around, and the online friends are around because we don't see each other so it's not the same, but everyone else, well... they are all gone.

    I suppose the question to that would be why? So many were bad friends, yes. Using me for their own personal gain, only calling when they wanted something, never being there for me when problems were deeper than just the usual crappy everyday ones on the surface.

    All true. But on the other side of that truth is me. I wasn't a good friend to them either.

    A good friend isn't jealous, envious and never happy for you when you achieve something.
    A good friend isn't needy and overbearing and always 'me me me'.
    A good friend doesn't get so wasted that you have to look after them and just expect to be forgiven because they have an 'illness', when their iron tongue puts you down and makes you feel like shit.
    A good friend doesn't constantly break plans.
    A good friend doesn't slag you off behind your back.
    A good friend doesn't secretly want to sabotage your good fortune.

    Yes I did all of those things and I am not proud of myself, and when I realised what I had done, I had a breakdown. I broke down because I saw myself for what I really was and decided they were better off without me and I was better off without them also.

    Sometimes I think I am the guiltiest sociopath in the world, because I feel something for some people and nothing for others, I can be so giving yet so selfish at the same time.
    I can be so empathetic yet so judgemental, and the bottom line is I treat people this way because I am pissed off - I'm pissed off that I don't have what they have and I want it. I'm pissed off that they have managed to get somewhere and I haven't. I'm pissed off that I am me and they are them... and that they just expected me to be okay with that.
    Admitting it feels like a weight has been lifted but also makes me feel sick that I've been this way for so long and now I have to start changing that and I don't even know where to begin.

    But what I do know is, until I figure that out I am safer not being around people in case I intentionally or unintentionally sabotage them again, and then get depressed because of my actions, again.

    So loneliness, consume me - we'll be together for a while.
     
  2. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    I can relate to so much of what you've written. The only friends I have are online. I don't have any "real life" friends. When I did, I isolated myself as much as possible and ended up pushing them away. Many of them weren't good friends to me either...it was more of a one-sided deal where I would be the one listening to all of their problems and helping them but none wanted to hear mine.

    I'm not good at dealing with people either. Not even so good online but a little better here than in person. I have terrible social anxiety, have always been extremely shy and over the years I've become antisocial and just basically a recluse---away from people as much as possible.

    I can understand about you being pissed because you see others who have what you want. That's how I feel about a lot of things. And it's not that I wish anything bad on them, I just wonder why can't I have the things I want. Why can't I enjoy life like I see others doing? My life sucks ass and there are times I get so frustrated and upset that everyone else around me can have some good in their life amidst all the bs but all I seem to get is more bs and I'm sick of dealing with it.

    You're definitely not alone with how you feel. Loneliness is my constant and only companion. Not one that I want but one I seem to be stuck with.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you come here at least. Here people care and won't judge and you can release your saddness. It is not human contact but it is with real people who listen and care how you feel. keep posting okay
     
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am beginning to think we should start an SF group for ourselves- The Lonely One perhaps.
    I myself moved to a new town about two years ago and just have had a hard ass time making friends. I know that it is natural to have a tough time making new friends in this day and age but maybe we all could be supportive of each other while we wait for our lives to change as far as friends?
    I am down if you guys are?

    Linds I will be your friend!

    Love you all..your friend B
     
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Thank you B and I think that's a great idea! :hug: x
     
  6. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey linds i feel the same ..

    im down aswel B :)

    :hug: 2 all xxx
     
  7. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

  8. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    that sucks linds. but good luck with the group you guys.
     
  9. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i mean girls.
    sorry.