ALRIGHT...I really need to stop posting but I can't help it...just ignore this if you want to... I'm so tired. Not only the physical tired...tired of living...tired of breathing...tired of existing. I just want it all to end. I can't keep pulling through day by day like I am now...it's destroying me. Then again, I don't have the guts to end it either. I need to do something...but I don't know what. I realize I'm making no sense whatsoever...only slept zero hours last night. Dad said I can't sleep throughout the day either...I just want to collapse. Everything I touch goes to pieces...I just want to sleep and never wake up... What I wouldn't do for some sleeping pills right now... What did I do to deserve this? WHAT?! In this life, nothing...I don't think. UNLESS it is my fault that mum died. That would explain a lot. Because it isn't fair for the events of a past life to follow me here...no...that couldn't be it... Whatever I've done...I have been punished sufficiently...CANT THE PAIN JUST END! PLEASE! I can't stand it any more! I don't know how long I can last... Everyday, I risk my own ass to help others and this is what I get in return? The rejection/betrayal of all my friends and my family, and the death of the one person that might have understood how I feel,or at least tried to? IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! YES, I realize that life ISN'T fair, but isn't this just a wee bit too much? PLEASE I can't have this pain continue...it's consuming me and I'm losing my sanity...Seth vanished for some time already by everything else is getting MUCH MUCH worse. I want to cut again so bad right now...I'm trying to refrain from doing so...I CAN'T cut because if I do then people will notice...My so-called friend noticed them on saturday and I barely got away saying that I tripped while hiking....HOW LONG MORE CAN I DO THIS?! I repeat...I just want it all to end. I'm a failure. I should be at school right now. If not, I should be doing homework or studying or practicing harp/piano. But no, I have to get up on the podium and complain about what I don't like in my life...HOW CAN I BE SO DAMN SELFISH!? Two years ago, I wouldn't have been like this...I wouldn't have even considered suicide...but now... I can't help it. I just want to die. It's my greatest desire. No, not simply end the pain. End it all. Plain and simple. WHY CAN'T I? WHY MUST I BE SUCH A COWARD?! Sorry for any grammar mistakes...don't me to complain...honestly all I needed was a rant...I really couldnt care less about anything right now.