One more silly thread

[MoAnamCara]

I'm frustrated.

With myself, the situation, what I am doing, what I have done, what I am living through.

Its no ones fault, simply my own. No one can share blame. I take full responsibility.

This one person who has believed in me doesn't deserve what I am doing.

Its not fair to them, how I could I do this? How could I think this way?

For someone who has given me their life, to think about leaving the earth as they are dying?

For someone who has trusted me, this is how I return that trust?

Its disgusting, I am disgusting.

I don't want to feel the pain from my past anymore.

I don't want to feel the physical reactions to those thoughts.

I don't want to relive those times over and over.

I don't want to feel such disgust at things I was part of.

I don't want to feel so insignificant.

I don't want to have to watch you die.

I don't want to see your pain.

I don't want you to know Im not sure I can handle all of this.

I don't want you to know how scared I really am.

I don't want you to know how bad a person I really am.

I don't want to hurt you.

I don't want to be here without you.

 

[Terry]

Sounds like you need someone to talk to.
A counsellor or therapist could help with putting the past in the past and help you deal with what's going on right now.
Go see your doc and ask for a referral.

 

[MoAnamCara]

Thank you Terry - I am in therapy.

 

[MoAnamCara]

And today I'm angry, mostly sad but angry also.

Letting myself be used & abused.

Bullshit.