I'm frustrated. With myself, the situation, what I am doing, what I have done, what I am living through. Its no ones fault, simply my own. No one can share blame. I take full responsibility. This one person who has believed in me doesn't deserve what I am doing. Its not fair to them, how I could I do this? How could I think this way? For someone who has given me their life, to think about leaving the earth as they are dying? For someone who has trusted me, this is how I return that trust? Its disgusting, I am disgusting. I don't want to feel the pain from my past anymore. I don't want to feel the physical reactions to those thoughts. I don't want to relive those times over and over. I don't want to feel such disgust at things I was part of. I don't want to feel so insignificant. I don't want to have to watch you die. I don't want to see your pain. I don't want you to know Im not sure I can handle all of this. I don't want you to know how scared I really am. I don't want you to know how bad a person I really am. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be here without you.
Sounds like you need someone to talk to. A counsellor or therapist could help with putting the past in the past and help you deal with what's going on right now. Go see your doc and ask for a referral.
