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One Night Stand

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Wozza78, Mar 29, 2009.

  1. Wozza78

    Wozza78 Well-Known Member

    I've just done something that could really mess my life up. I was drunk, but that's no excuse. Now that my head is clear, the ramifications are all hitting home, and I feel that I'm standing on the edge of a cliff that could crumble beneath me at any moment.

    On Friday night, I got with another guy. We didn't have sex, but thats about all we didn't do. Now I'm worried about everyone finding out. Well, I'm more worried about their reactions than I am about them finding out. I'm not gay, I know that now. I am as attracted to women as I have always been, but what I did has left me with no doubt in my mind as to my sexual orientation.

    I don't regret what happened. Life is about experience and taking risks can make you feel more alive than anything else. What I'm worried about now is that my friends and family may not be as open minded, and will turn their backs on me. Homophobia is alive and kicking, and I think I may have just put myself in the firing line. I can't help but think that if I was female, the whole bi-sexual act would be better recieved by my friends. That's the male mind for you though I guesse.

    I have no idea what I'm going to do about this. Should I tell them what I did and hope for the best, or just keep my mouth shut and hope the other guy doesn't tell everyone what happened? He's a barman by the way, so he pretty much has everyone's ears who goes into the pub, and one of his best friends is the sister of a good mate of mine. What really makes me mad is that I've given this power to the guy, to influence certain factors of my life, and I have no control over the outcome.

    Please, any advice at this stage would be welcomed. I been taking double my meds just so I can sleep. I have really dropped the ball this time, and I'm bricking it.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Calm down , first off Warren.

    I understand how embarrassing and frustrating that would be. But before admitting to anything around people who won't respond positively, why not ask the other person to keep his mouth shut? You don't have to tell anybody anything. And you don't have to admit to it, if the other guy says something.

    Breath and remember that life is about experience, as you say, and that you had one that you don't want going about the town. And that's fine, most people have several dozen experiences they'd like expunged. Just talk to the guy and explain your concerns.

    It'll be ok.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I don't think you should worry too much about this! You said that you KNOW about your sexual orientation. That's really all that matters...that you are comfortable with who you are. Also, the post by James is right on; ask the guy to keep it quiet and explain why. As a final resort, since there is no proof (unless there was another person there or you took photos) you could always deny it or just say you were drunk and there wass nothing to it, which is the truth.
  4. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    OK.....So what I gather is bothering you the most is that you given this guy the power to influence your life and that you have no control over what he does. What I think is, he has more reason not to tell anybody than you do...like he is probably gay and your not from what your saying. So like gay people (at least the ones I know, myself included) are not going to start telling strangers or just anybody they know who they just fooled around with. Like i said he's probably gay so he understands that situations like yours sometimes require discretion and he is sensitive to that based on the fact that he is probably gay. So I say talk to him I'm sure he will be sensitive to your concerns.

    Now worst case scenario and it does get out, people are more understanding than I think you give them credit for, but I doubt that it will come to that.

    I hope this helps Cheers
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well, if you're going to ask him not to say anything, I owuld be very tactful about it. I think that many gay people are probably more than a bit tired of being someone else's little "experiment", only to find that the person suddenly wants nothing to do with them.

    Also, I am having difficulty understanding your claim that you are not gay or even bisexual. I mean, I'm a straight woman and I of course know straight men and we have had conversations about things like this. The general consensus seems to be that no matter how drunk/stoned/high you happen to be, nothing is going to make a perfectly straight guy just disrobe and go at it with another man. With women it's a different story of course, because bisexual experimentation if you are a female is considered to be quite "chic" at the moment for whatever reason.

    I'm not coming down on you or anything, just trying to better understand how something like this happens and why.
  6. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I don't know about lesbians but gay guys don't really care too much about being an experiment. I mean, they're guys. :D

    Men who are totally straight aren't interested in doing gay things, but the majority of people are on a sexual sliding scale. You're not alone in being bicurious. Which is what you were.

    You were curious about bisexuality, experimented, then decided you had no interest in it. So besides posturing in gym locker rooms, you've done a good thing for yourself.
  7. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    I think something like this happens cause peoples sexuality doesn't fit neatly into one definition. I'm gay, like totally gay, i like guys only.... but if I were to have sex with a woman, would that all of a sudden make me bi or whatever? Hell no, I know who I'm attracted to and that's guys... Just for the record, I would like to have sex with a woman some day just because I'm curious what straight sex is like, it doesn't mean I'm straight or bi or bi-curious it just means that I would have had sex with a woman that's it....I guess that's just what I think...but what do I know...
  8. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    wll said zombie.. straight people rarely get this
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I don't really understand this mentality. If you're not attracted to someone, you don't want to have sex with them. I'm not attracted to women, goats, inanimate objects, etc. Therefore, I'm not going to experiment sexually with any of them.

    Is sex something so casual that it's like trying a new type of food for some people? "Gee, I don't really like the smell of curry, but what the hell? I'll try it!" It's not that simple.

    So much emotional pain and distress is caused because people give absolutely no thought to sexual activities, when in reality, both emotionally and physically, sex is meaningful and should be treated as such.
  10. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    there are many reasons. i am lesbian but i have slept with a man. so what? thre was a reason

    i think there is nothing wrong with sex being casual if it is responsible and safe and both parties consent personally, although i do only have sex with people i love now
  11. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Funny... I've tried many different types of foods some of them didn't smell so appealing or look that appealing but I wasn't afraid to try cause I was open to new experiences... some of it I did not like and therefore didn't eat again, some of it I did like and would have again. Now how the hell would I have known what I liked or not like unless I tried it to find out what it taste like? I'm not going to limit myself to the foods I know I like when I could like many other types of food that I've never tried before.

    When you just meet some stranger and you fool around with them, like that same day, I think you kind of have an idea that it could be a one time thing on both sides. I think that is like a text book definition of casual sex...What I'm trying to say is sex can be meaningful both emotionally and physically but it can be just sex with no attachments.

    Some people don't like to limit themselves to an either or scenario, and for me when it comes to sexuality I think there are people out there who don't limit themselves and are open to whatever is out there. It doesn't mean there has to be a label attached to it and it doesn't have to fit into a nice little box cause sometime it doesn't fit in the box and can't be labeled. This makes some people uncomfortable.

    Just because you try something once doesn't mean it defines you for the rest of your life.
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well, personally, I think sex without attachments is shallow and pointless. It's certainly not something as casual as deciding to try a new type of ethnic food, exemplified by the fact that this one-night stand is causing the O.P. so much grief.

    Also, I don't believe sexual experimentation with everyone and everything is a necessary means of discovering one's sexuality. If it were, one could extrapolate and say, "Well, I don't know what it's like having sex with John Smith or Jane Doe or Mike from next door so I guess I better give it a try." When does it end?

    And how difficult is it to guess whether or not you would like doing naughty things to another man's (or woman's) genitalia? It doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to make an educated guess in that department. Why do people today think that one must try absolutely everything? Personally, I don't think I need to experiment with gang bangs or watch interspecies porn to determine whether or not that sort of thing would turn me on, and on the off chance that those things WOULD turn me on, I think I can live with that unknown factor.

    I'm just saying that not EVERY single curiosity has to be satisfied, especially if one is very clearly not gay with no prior homosexual proclivities...
  13. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    My bad....the food analogy was kind of simple and stupid :blink: I guess what I mean to say is some people don't fall into neat little categories when it comes to their sexuality. Like casual sex is not for me right now, in my life I feel sex is an intimate emotional act that requires trust and closeness which casual sex doesn't have. But if an opportunity were to arise where there was full disclosure and I had sex with a woman I don't think I need to re-define myself because of that one time. I'm open to new experiences but that doesn't mean I'm going to try anything and everything.

    I think that if your straight and have sex with someone of the same sex that doesn't have to mean your bi or gay or whatever. Sometimes, but not always, it just means that you had sex with someone of the same sex. That's it, no need to explain further, no need to figure stuff out.... it is what it is.

    The thing is not everybody is the same and I respect that you have a different view on things, sex is obviously very important to you and you take it seriously which is cool. I do too. He clearly ,as you say, hasn't had any gay experiences before but just because he has had one now doesn't make him bi, gay or whatever. Other straight guys would never do that, some guys do...but whatever I hope I got my point across....I tend to have trouble writing what I mean to say....


  14. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I totally get what you're saying. I definitely tend to think of sex as more "sacred" than I suppose the average person does and I think the world would be better off with less flippancy in that respect. It's difficult for me to understand how someone who is neither gay nor bi could let things go that far with a member of the same sex, but I suppose maybe that's where the alcohol comes in. I do understand what you mean by sexuality not being something so conveniently labeled, but it's a tough concept for me to be sure, having never questioned my own or been tempted to experiment with it in that way.
  15. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i know lesbians who slept with/ sleep with men occasionally and visa versa.. it is all labels and categories.. not evryone fits them is all
  16. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    There's no such thing as bisexual people. You're either straight or gay, bottom line. If you claim to be both then you are either delusional, a liar, or in extreme denial. Your sexuality isnt something you choose, it's inborn....There's no need for experimentation when it comes to sex. You're either attracted to someone or you're not, and you full well know if you are allready before you ever do anything with that person.

    Woman who claim to be "bi" are actually straight and are just experimenting with girls because its hip and trendy these days and gains them some social status.

    Men who claim to be "bi" are actually gay and only assosiate themselves as bi in a vain attempt to aviod the stigma and ridicule that goes along with being gay in todays society.

    In summary.........there's straight people, gay people, and lesbians...but not bisexuals....thats a myth.
  17. DiscoverPeaceOfMind

    DiscoverPeaceOfMind Active Member

    I see the issue as what led to the drinking, not the after effects. It's like a computer bug. The first bug is where the problem lies, everything else is superfluous.
    You don't 'give away' power of your life. You own it, you have it, you just haven't found it yet.
    Regular heavy social drinking is 'social alcholism', more a need for social acceptance with the drinking its conduit. I note that your worry is the 'acceptance' of your friends should this story leak out.
    We all socialise, but what are you looking for when you do? Therein lies a clue to what you should really address.
    Good luck
  18. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Nope I'm actually bisexual. It's like 85% straight /15% gay but its bisexual. Evidence. I find the idea of having a penis in my mouth erotic. But I more so enjoy performing oral sex on a woman. And bisexuals actually have more of a detrimental stigma against them.

    See bisexual... as we all know... are just perverts who will have sex with anything :rolleyes:. Saying that bisexuals are trying to distance themselves from gay stigma is like saying transgendered people have it easier than gay men (Cause lets be honest homophobic people just hate gay men. Lesbians are hot.).

    Sexuality is on a sliding scale.
  19. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    No way.....especially not bisexual woman. They are held in higher regrard than striaght woman.
  20. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Sure. Goes back to lesbians being hot.

    But bisexual men are seen as more deviant than gay men. Because the assumption is that at least gay men are honest about their homosexuality. Bisexual men just haven't come around yet :laugh:.