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One Of My Turns....

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I write right now as my core being, Lei Lei and only hope I can keep her here in the here and now while I write how I feel.
I'm having one of my turns and I'm finding this more of a struggle since being diagnosed ,its a triggering day with the headache and chatter I'm starting to hear and I don't have any idea whats set it in motion this morning - frustrating to say the least.
I can't help but feel sorry for my kids and what hell theyve had to live through with me being their mom. It hasn't been easy on them and I find my youngest very moody and depressed most of the time and blame myself for it.
Even though he's got an appointment with his pediatrican, because he's ADHD and all of this could be side effects from concerta. I still take most of the accountiblity due to my chaotic behaviour and how I handle stress. I try so hard to contain it but then the switch happens, I lose time and one of my 4 alters takes over leaving my kids devastated. From what I've been able to gather thus far about my alters (threw self and hypnosis) is they're all women except Nikki, she is very dominate, agressive, risk taking, impulsive, brutally honest, hurtful, hates kids and men and she is man like, she surfaces when I'm very stressed out. Georgia; a very prime and proper, loves to dress classy and speak sophisticatred, loves men and is extremely sexual, a woman who writes with perfect grammer (which blows me away as I only have a grade 5 education and don't know grammer very well (just the basics)), Annalee is a child, and acts it, she is very fearful of men, fearful of everything, and doesn't like to be touched, she is triggered when I don't know how to respond or when my core is around the grand children, she loves to play, colour and draw. Finally Wind, she native (I'm half Native and half Irish) but Wind is full blood and knows a lot of the hertiage ( where as my core doesn't), she does a lot of pottery, sculpting, native arts, spiritual poetry and is very happy, go lucky, on an amazing road to recovery it seems. Then theres me - my core Lei Lei and I don't know who or what I am except I'm a lesbian so you can imagine how I feel after Georgia has been intimate with my husband that I dont remember being with -scary, triggered and then Nikki comes so I'm told. I don't have a favourite hobby, except writing poetry thats dark and gloomy, I don't collect anything, I can hardly function in society, I isolate myself and desocialize from everyone and everything. I'm currently getting a divorce, because my husband constantly called out my alters to get what he wanted and I don't love him as my core nor do I want to be with him as my core, gosh this is to dang confusing and I feel crazy half the time.
The only real highlights to this diagnosis is all the beautiful poetry that I read that I don't remember writing, and the amazing native art and pottery that I don't remember doing, I wish I could remember because maybe I too would be on an amazing healing journey like Wind.
I don't always lose time, it depends on the stressers, triggers and situation an example I don't remember getting married, I only know this because I see pictures that make me believe it and a marriage certificate - Georgia got married. I don't own clothes (except lingerie) that I don't remember buying, I met people that claim to know me - but I don't remember then and find myself a lot in places that seem so familar but are strange if that makes sense... bad deja vu but not. I remember being upset and stressed when it happens, but I don't recall what happened or what we've said or who said it.
Its scary and I'm fearful all the time of dissociating. I wish that someone would just erase all of my mind and let me start over, as I don't ever see this ending anytime soon and I hate rollercoasters especially the emotional ones.
Just for today tho.. one day at a time.
Sorry for rabbling on and thanks for reading -- warm healing energy for all of us on this journey ~~~
Lei Lei
wow, this must be a really bewildering experience

A friend of mine says that she believes that she has DID, though she hasn't been formally diagnosed.

Are you getting therapy for this?

It's too bad that your husband has taken advantage of your illness.

If the world were fair, the more hurt and vulnerable you are, the more people would be nice to you. All too often, you just get mistreated more when you are vulnerable
Hi May - Thanks for your response.
I truly believe that surivors with DID know theres somthing not right before the diagnosis and before getting counselling.
I'm doing intense therapy and hypnosis which allows my alters to speak freely in a safe environment. For so long before knowing I had DID, my life was in complete chaos, my mind was scrambled ( still is at times) and we were completely random because of the many many triggers it was hard to control the dissociation. My DID case worker describes it perfectly when she said, imagine you've got a leaky roof and its raining, you put a pot to catch the water. When the pot fills, it either over flows or you change the pot. DID is very similar to that statement.. As a child the abuse and trauma was filled into a pot, because it was continious trauma, my mind changed the pot and when that filled my mind put another one and so on.. each pot is filled with trauma, each pot (alters) has a job to do - help us survive.
I hope your friend seeks the help, DID is chaotic untreated and its just gets worse as time goes by. Its a long healing journey when one finally gets the treatment, but the bumps and obstacles are well worth some peace.
I'm glad that you've been getting therapy and I hope that your case worker is good

My friend has been getting therapy for a while now, and she seems to be doing pretty well



Antiquities Friend
Hi Randomlei_me

I know the confusion you describe so well - I am much more under control thank G-d, but when stressed, I do lose time. I am fortunate that when my children call to me I switch automatically to Mommy no matter what... The little ones never come out in fromnt of my children.... I was not even aware of what was going on until a few years of therapy....

I thought everyone heard arguments inside their head and handled situations by writing themselves notes - that I was just incredibly forgetful....

What I would say to you is try not to blame yourself when you see your kids hurting - you are doing the best you can by going to therapy and trying to work through all of the trauma.

Do you have enough support for yourself and your kids so that the switching does not result in neglect or emotional hurt? Good luck to you and you may send me a message if you wish.... I know I get worried about the effects I have on my children - but I was told that to blame myself only made matters worse - blocked thinking of solutions.... The perpetrators who caused you to create the defense systems you now have are the true ones to blame!

I have a full time job and 6 children at home so I don't check in everyday - but I am here if you need - take care of yourself, it takes courage and strength to do what you are doing! :hug:
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