One of the bigest reasons I hate myself

[Robin]

As a very few of you know I recently started cbt .. it's a kinda therapy that not only analyses behaviour but finds ways to challenge how you think and feel to get a more realistic view on life.

Something that has cropped up a few times is the fact that I hate myself with a passion and one of the biggest reasons I hate myself is because I think bad thoughts, they just pop in my head and they show no prejudice, they attack everyone and the more I feel threatened the louder and more consuming they become. It is deep rooted in my thinking that if I think bad thoughts then I am a bad person, I wouldn't attribute being a bad person if anyone else had bad thoughts but for me I do.

So, my homework for this week is to ask you all, do you have bad thoughts and do you think that bad thoughts make you a bad person? Thanks

 

[danni]

everyone has bad thought and i dont think it makes a bad person at all robin :hug:

 

[Abacus21]

I think it's only too easy for our minds to self-criticise, especially when feeling low about ourselves, as everyone here knows - I think that's human nature personally, which is exacerabated through depression etc, yet say the exact opposite to a friend who's in the exact same situation - that they're great etc, while all the thoughts in our own heads flit around, telling us that we're worthless etc - yet, as our friends will tell us, and I'm tellling you, it doesn't make you a bad person at all - far from it. Though, when in the grips of depression, it is probably the most irritating thing you can hear, I do believe this is true: It's better to get low at times, and have an enriched emotional perspective, than to go through life permanently happy, and not know anything about yourself.

For me personally, when I get low I do have bad thoughts, but as my lows are quite short-lived on the whole, I realise that the odds are, I'll feel better tomorrow and my brain will be 'reset'. A year or so ago though, the fact I had bad thoughts, self-criticising thoughts etc, did make me feel bad, yes..

Hope this answers your question mate!

 

[*dilligaf*]

Yeah I get the bad thoughts, and, as our googletalk convo at the moment probably shows you I think it makes me a bad person sometimes.
When I''m not having these thoughts though, I know that I'm not a bad person at all, simply one that is suffering.

I think thats what we all need to remember x

 

[itmahanh]

I truly believe that because I am a bad person is why I have the bad thoughts. A way for my inner self to reinforce the horrible person I am inside and out. I dont know that I'd say they make me feel bad, they just make me feel, because I have never really felt anything but the bad thoughts.

 

[Spearmint]

I do have bad thoughts, but I don't really think they make me less than a person, I think that in some ways, it kind of shows that I do have a strong side, and that I haven't let the bad thoughts win, or whatever.

 

[The_Discarded]

No one's a saint. Much as we try to convince ourselves that there are people out there who walk around everyday never lifting an eyebrow at any situation, never stepping out of bounds, and never having anythign bad to say about anyone, it's fairly pointless. We're human - as such, we've the ability to reason.

Reasoning consists of judging, in part because reasoning is formulating a perception and then discovering back-up as to why it's true. The former always comes before the latter. In order to perceive things, one must first judge them; in other words, one has to form an opinion on them. Every specimen in existence has both its negatives and positives, and by understanding and addressing both sides, the perceiver's not being a "bad person," but, rather, an "objective person."

It is when one lets the negative aspects creep into his/her actions and words that s/he may begin to lose credibility as a "good person," because part of (if not all of) being a good person is knowing how to act and what to say, and when to do either. Nothing wrong with bad thoughts. They happen. Thoughts are just that: thoughts. They hurt no one but oneself, because they are otherwise unknown. I say it's okay to have these li'l' secrets, just don't let them possess you, because when it makes you feel bad, it makes you think you are bad.

There's a part of us that likes to find ways to convince ourselves that we are right, to allow us to feel justified in all we think, say, and do. When you're feeling low or emotionally unsteady, you want to prove to yourself that you're a bad person, so that you feel justified in your emotions.

From what I've observed, Robin, you're perceptive, so chances are you do a lot of introspective stuff, which leads to this self-criticizing. But this, as with most people, is failing to think objectively because you've known you so long - the same way we sometimes tire of people when they stick around too long. (You personally've done nothing short of help hundreds of people. :hug

As for me, I have "bad thoughts" all the time. That's not what makes me a bad person, IMO, because I avoid verbalizing them, particularly in inappropriate situations. Upon occasion, however, they slip out or I act on them. That's when the I'm-a-bad-person thinking comes into play.

Best wishes. :arms:

 

[resistance]

No doubt in my mind bad thoughts make me feel like a bad person. I sometimes think things about people (and occasionally situations) that I know deep down I shouldn't be thinking, I feel really guilty about it and it sends me into the whirl of self hate. Sometimes the thoughts keep nagging and I end up telling people straight out what's on my mind, but usually it only ends up making me feel worse because I shouldn't have felt the need to say/ask in the first place.

You're awesome, and don't let any bad thought tell you otherwise! :hug:

 

[someoneyouknow]

Robin,

I think bad thoughts about myself on a daily basis. Sometimes they are stronger than others. For instance I always think of myself as a bad person, I think of myself as evil and believe I am destined to rot in hell. Somedays those thoughts never leave my mind. Other days they are barely there. It's like I'm able to mute them out at times while other times it's a screeching siren in my ear never relenting. I however do not think they make me or you a bad person for that matter. I think the thoughts confuse people, like twist up their mind somehow making them believable and all too real.

I do not think because you have bad thoughts they make you a bad person. I think the opposite. I think they make you better at the endof the day formaking it through. I know you well Robin and I have to say you are not only genuine but you are someone who I look up to. I think you are sweet and caring. Someone who needs support and help like the rest of us here.

Take care love.
Me

 

[Terry]

I have personally boiled a couple of peeps in oil, used various thumbscrews, racks etc and have a wonderful collection of wax dolls and assorted hat pins :dry: Happily all in my head so no one actually gets hurt :laugh:
Don't particularly like myself when I feel the need to murder or torture someone (albeit in my head and not in real life) but its a relief to let out the spleen.:smile:

 

[BlackPegasus]

I'm going through this at the moment. I keep thinking these bad thoughts about me. I withdraw when this happens and this further convinces me I'm worthless and uncared about. This is where I am right now. Self-critical, worthless, subhuman, no good...blah blah blah!!!

 

[Hurted]

It doesnt make you bad person althought you feel like it.
I have same problems all the time, except that they are much less severe than yours... sometimes i just cant stop imagening that i have sex with someone i dont like or that i pretend to see people dying...

 

[gentlelady]

Having bad thoughts definitely does not a bad person make. It is when those thoughts are acted upon that true character is defined. I think everyone has a time they think in negative or hurtful ways. The thoughts may range from doubting someone to harming them. In the throes of depression we search for things that prove to us how bad we really are. If anything, I would say you have too much kindness and compassion for others. You find good in those that many of us cannot see. Listen to the supporting evidence. Give yourself the same guidelines and rules you place on others. You will find nothing about yourself to hate.

 

[diver200]

I have bad thoughts a lot. When I was younger, they revolved around killing my father and brother for how they would beat the crud out of me, seemingly just for the joy of it. I would also think that about anyone that I didn't like. Not unusual, I don't think, but I would repetitively think them, and think of great new ways to torture them to death. Some of my thoughts would be about "other things." As I have gotten older, I think less about that... I think mostly I lost the energy to think bad thoughts about them or other people because I am too busy beating myself up....thinking bad thoughts about myself. I know i have felt bad about myself when I do that, and it increases the depth of my depression. I don't have much of a self esteem, so it is easy to think little of myself. But I know in my heart that I am not bad because of my thoughts. I do think I am a good person, I've done some bad things, and I've thought bad thoughts, but I still think I am a good person. Anyone can have those thoughts, but that does not mean they are bad. They may just need help. Robin, you are not a bad person. You are just troubled by things around you. You are a sensitive person, and that is why you have such deep emotional feelings. But no, you are not a bad person. :cheekkiss

 

[Sadeyes]

It is our actions, not our thoughts that empue the qualities we have...the more evolved one is, the less we act directly from our thoughts, instead filtering them through some 'construction' of who we want to be...you are a wonderful person, who I am proud to call a friend...I wished you liked yourself as much as I do...big hugs, J

 

[Dave_N]

Something that has cropped up a few times is the fact that I hate myself with a passion and one of the biggest reasons I hate myself is because I think bad thoughts, they just pop in my head and they show no prejudice, they attack everyone and the more I feel threatened the louder and more consuming they become. It is deep rooted in my thinking that if I think bad thoughts then I am a bad person, I wouldn't attribute being a bad person if anyone else had bad thoughts but for me I do.

So, my homework for this week is to ask you all, do you have bad thoughts and do you think that bad thoughts make you a bad person? Thanks

The first step to recovery is to start loving yourself, no matter how hard it might seem. I have bad thoughts that enter my mind, from time to time, but remember that they are just thoughts, not reality. That's the difference between criminals and us. Criminals had bad thoughts and acted on these thoughts. Having bad thoughts does not make you a bad person at all. A bad person is someone who acts on these bad thoughts.

 

[FoundAndLost1]

First, more power to you for doing CBT. It's no walk in the park. Very in-tense (where sheiks live!). There are a lot of comments and support here, and generally, yeah, we are indeed our own worst judges - nor is that the easiest thing to conquer, since it's hard to monitor (let alone censor) our inner dialogue, even being conscious of it. That's why CBT is so in-depth - I found it very helpful, but it is a lot of work!

As for being "bad" - because you have bad thoughts - I'd have to suppose that it would depend on those thoughts, and maybe even more, if they become 'truly' obsessive or not (maybe even fully violent). I think you are very cognisent and conscientious in dealing with people, and obviously you deal with a great many of them! Whether here, or in your "other" life, someone is bound to push your buttons. I love a skit on some show (actually, I thought that I'D invented it! Great minds think alike - OR fools seldom differ!) where you put your fingers up and hold someone in perspective between your fingers and squish them - saying to yourself or out loud - "I'm SQUISHING YOU!!"

I've long had what I called "vengeance fantasies" (never felt bad about them in the least) - I can do whatever I want or wish for in them - and they remain private (and of course, I never act on them). I can even play them over if i wish/edit them/add to them. Very therapeutic - sometimes even makes me laugh (also therapeutic!)... I also wrote a poem a little while ago (that made me laugh to write as well!).

It's called "Private" Vengeance... :wink:

http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=42246

(and I never sent it to the particular person that inspired it. It just feels good to know that someday - well, I just might!)

 

[Lead Savior]

I have bad thoughts.

-Sometimes I think of people I care about getting hurt (not by me), and in the daydream I am always too late or unable to help them.

-Every now and again I mentally escalate minor arguments with friends into physical violence.

-I am detached from people (thats an objective fact), so I often cannot empathize with the plights of others. Here's a pretty good demonstration of that with some honesty: I don't care that the September 11th terrorist attacks happened. I don't care that roughly several thousand people died in the collapsing towers, suffocating on smoke or being crushed in rubble. Why? Neither I nor anyone I know personally knows someone who was hurt or killed, and it hasn't directly affected my life in any way. News coverage of the event consisted of distant pixels on a screen and sound bites from talking heads.

-I have harbor a significant amount of jealousy for successful people and find myself bitter toward and dismissive of them.

-I think of hurting myself very often (obvious bad thought).

-Sometimes I justify hurting myself by saying that no one will miss me, in doing so I forget/ignore the many people that do care about me. I find that shameful.

I don't think these thoughts make me a bad person, but rather that they make me the wrong kind of person. I don't have feelings of self-hatred, but instead feelings of self-pity and overwhelming hopelessness from a fear that I will never fit correctly into this life, destined to break as a square peg against a round hole.

 

[LetItGo]

Everyone has thoughts that might be a bit disturbing to them. I can remember being a pretty angry kid at times, those dreaded teen years. There were certain people at school that I absolutely hated, and locked horns with time and time again over the space of a few years. If they got run over by a truck, it would have made my life easier, but I never proactively tried to make bad things happen in there life, just avoided them as much as possible.

You shouldnt feel bad Robin, we all have those thoughts from time to time, its whether you act on them. As im getting older Im getting a lot more forgiving. I still get angry at peoples stupidity - mainly politicians, managers, bureaucrats etc...decision makers that make bad decisions that effect us all. Politicians with no balls, imagination, forsight, an IQ above 10. I feel powerless to stop them, and that makes me resentful and angry as well.

I think your a good person, with a kind soul. I dont think theres anyone on SF that could say differant.

 

[Marshmallow]

Yep i'd say i have bad/disturbing thoughts, i don't think that makes anyone a bad person. I think generally most people have them, the difference is wether you act on those thoughts or not.