One of the first poems I've ever written

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Jon1, Mar 3, 2010.

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  1. Jon1

    Jon1 Member

    Tell me what you guys think. Thanks!

    Over the hills past which I see,
    A dawn of light and melody,

    though the storm seems to never pass,
    be assured that it won't last

    the traps are set, the pits are deep,
    they are all but obstacles we must beat

    so must we, as we make our own tracks,
    remember not to get too close to the cracks

    for if we fall, our best chance is to climb,
    continuing past the way we fell, one step at a time
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    good message good write keep writing okay it is lovely
  3. Things

    Things Well-Known Member


    That was wonderful! I'm honestly surprised that it's your first. The second and last parts were my favorite. They're inspiring to me.
  4. Jon1

    Jon1 Member

    I made another poem after reading a few posts about not leaving the house on here.

    No matter how broken, how battered, or scarred,
    there are people out there, to love you for who you are,
    don't hide in your room, you'll never meet them this way,
    go outside and have some fun, enjoy the day,
    the worst thing it will do is make you feel better,
    after all, isn't that what happened after you read this letter?
  5. Jon1

    Jon1 Member

    This love poem isn't done yet, as it still needs some finishing touches.

    Be still my raucous heart,
    for your time will come when you are greeted by one more,
    so simple yet so angelic, with more to care for
    every word said with love will cause a flutter,
    while every moment apart we shall long for each other.
    each day as time passes we shall be blissfully unaware,
    that as the dawn draws nearer, it holds a truth we cannot bare

    when the time comes for us to depart,
    the butterflies will be gone, the pain will have subsided,
    in heaven, in heaven, whether on earth or up above,
    together we shall find ourselves, always in love.


    Darkness has come, but soon will be invaded by light,
    in this war you are alone, with not a clue how to fight,

    so blossoms the insecurity and removes all you hold dear,
    in your pain you call out, but nobody will hear

    where you once had a way of helping yourself cope,
    that now lies dormant, as you find the end of your rope

    nobody cares, nobody helps, they can only deal with their own life,
    as dawn swiftly approaches you succumb to the knife

    This poem is how I feel right now. :sad:
  6. Jon1

    Jon1 Member

    Just finished another one. Each one of these makes me feel tons better.

    What do you guys think? Good/Bad? Needs to be longer, needs more depth? Any tips?

    The dawn of a new era, as the past one comes unglued,
    it will not be missed, as it is what made me so blue,

    fighting for what is right, always trying to make myself see,
    that what pains me the most, is there is no one here but me,

    though the triumphs were rich, and the fights were glorious and bold,
    this time around though, I think I'll really strive for the gold,

    amidst the confusion and anger in the land I do so hold dear,
    what was once odd and mysterious has now become clear,

    watching the crimson sunrise, admiring it as it passes,
    for soon after I begin the day only to suffer at the hands of the masses.

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2010
  7. Jon1

    Jon1 Member

    It's been a month since my last post. So what do you guys think about my other poems? I only have one style of writing for now, but I hope to find out some more soon.
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