one of the reasons why I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Oct 5, 2011.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    So this is going to take some time to write about, so I'm not going to say everything all at once. One of the things that has hurt me deeply has to do with a broken heart I experienced two years ago.

    I liked this girl, and it took m a year to finally get the courage to ask her if we could sit and talk sometime and hopefully get to know each other more. I am socially inadequate, but I didn't have any high expectations from her. One of our first conversations mostly consisted of her talking about something she heard her ex bf say about her. I tried to be a good listener, but honestly, I really didn't want to hear about her jerkface of an ex.

    Okay, I really wanted to write more, and I don't mean to sound all dramatic, but this is harder than I thought to write. Please bear with me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hi you glad to see you are reaching out hun and yes it does take courage to post so good on you hun for doing so hugs
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I just want to make sure I explain this all accuratly and without feeling so much anxiety. I know people say there are two sides to every story, but I want to be honest and not villify her, but be able to write how her words and actions affected me.
  4. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Okay, I think I'm ready to write some more. So we end up having lunch one day together and I was having a hard time being interesting I guess. She was doing homework, but she got up at one point and talked to someone else for a few minutes. I really wanted to prove that I was worth a chance to get to know so I asked if she would like to go out for ice cream sometime. She said yes, but then she didn't relly seem sincere because she just kind of left in a hurry as if she was sort of avoiding having to talk to me any further. No goodbye or see you later. I felt stupid and I knew I did something wrong, but I wasn't exactly sure what.

    I shouldn't be so sensitive, but I am, and I ended up sending her an email saying thank you for having lunch, but I told her in all honesty I didn't feel I was on the same level as her. I was a little confused and as much I want to talk to her, I wasn't sure I could meet her expectations.

    I was mad at myself, because I didn't think I said that the right way, but I just wanted her to know that I liked talking to her, but it was a bit hard. Yes, I know guys should not tell a girl they like that they are socially awkward...I just thought being honest was the best option.

    We didn't talk for the rest of the semester, but I sent her a christmas card through the campus mail. I also sent her an email on christmas eve saying happy holidays. I figured, if she didn't respond, I would just forget trying to get to know her.

    I have to stop here now. From here it gets a little harder and I'm trying not to be too detailed, but I don't want to be one sided and make it sound like I did everything right and she did everything wrong.
  5. setekh

    setekh Member

    One of the things one learns from getting older is that relationships with other people never bring happiness, only hurt. One can fantasize about having positive relationships with others, but it is only a fantasy, never real. There is no love, no loyalty, no friendship in this world - these things are the stuff of fiction, not reality. You should not waste your time and energy befriending someone in the hope that it will make you happy. Everyone ends up alone. When you think about that, you realize how silly it is that people go to such great lengths to try to form relationships. Look around you at all the kids who are paired up. All of them will have their hearts broken sooner or later when they find out that the relationship they thought was important means nothing to the other person. Spare yourself that pain by ignoring or rejecting others. Let others make fools of themselves by trying to find love while you remain above it.
  6. BigBInAustin

    BigBInAustin New Member

    So sorry to hear about your heartbreak. A cliche'd response would be "She is not made for you. Move on." But the heart rarely listens to reason. Even if every fibre of you is asking you to stay away from this person, somehow you are obsessed with him/her.

    All I wanted to say is, I understand and you are not alone. But with time, it will fade away. In the meantime, use this forum to vent.
  7. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Yeah thanks, but just so you know, I wasn't obsessing over her. I tried to be sensible and realistic, I didn't have any high expectations or assumptions that she would like me back. I don't mean to sound like I'm snapping, but I'm having a bad night and one of the reasons is because of this hurt from that situation. She had every right to hurt me, to treat me like a piece of shit....but that doesn't mean I don't hurt from that pain still.

    I'm suposed to "stop getting my feelings hurt so easily" Sometimes, I wish I had killed myself, not to make her feel bad, but so she can know how much her words and actions made me feel bad. And I don't care how selfish I sound right now....people treat me like shit all the time and it's okay.

    I haven't finished the rest of the situation about her, but i needed to say this much before I go any further..
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