One of the worst things a person can do

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by Daphna, Nov 19, 2013.

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  1. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I believe that the worst thing a person can do is just accept something that is unpleasant. Whether it's your thoughts, actions, of just plain circumstance.You have the power to change these things. How? Refuse to accept them. Strive to find out who you are. I once told someone that I can forgive others for the simple fact that we are all products of our environment. All of the terrible habits that we participate in or suffer from others are learned habits. They are not natural habits of the individual.
    Think about it. Even the most cruel individuals began as an innocent baby. What happened to that baby during it's life has molded that person into who they are today. Which brings me back to the title of this post.
    Those who accept these learned behaviors as their own label themselves by them. They figure that these actions define who they are. Wrong!
    Having three children of my own I can assure you that children start life eager to learn, eager to please, and eager to love, and to be loved. They begin perfect. But then they quickly learn from their surroundings and become little miniatures of what they see and experience. The end result?
    Assumption that these learned behaviors are who they are. Why? Because they don't know that they can choose who they are by doing this list of things:
    1. Seek direction and inspiration. Of course; I highly recommend doing this on a spiritual level.
    2. Make a list of things you would do over if you had a second chance at life.
    3. Make that list a reality! As long as you have a breath in your body you can change who you are in life and how you contribute to it.
    4. The most exhausting part is to remove everything you have set your mind to reject. But it's also the most rewarding.

    For example: I used to cuss as a sailor. Yep it's true. In fact my favorite word was the, "f," word. I dropped f-bombs so much that I made a song out of it. But then I was given motivation to change this learned behavior. I became pregnant. The last thing that I want to do is raise little foul mouthed mini me's. So over the course of time I replaced this habit with the habit of living a curse free life. It wasn't easy but I was determined and inspired to change. Being a positive influence to my children and those around me kept my eyes on the prize. And I succeeded.

    The saying is true---
    You can do anything that you set your mind to do.

    Do you agree with the title of this post? If you do, what are you going to do about it? Blessings..
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Not everyone has power to change sometimes their illness does not permit them to do so not without much therapy or meds their chemical make up needs to be altered to help them some
    but some of us can with help change the small things that may help bring some light into the dark places
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    People do have control over their actions. We have choices that we make on a daily basis. Those choices determine whether things will change or not. If you could only change one thing at a time you are making great progress. Change is a gradual thing, but it takes determination, a plan, and effort. Thanks for answering my post.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What of the ones that mentally ill so badly that they do not get to chose that their rights are taken from them and they are at the mercy of another hun what small chances do they have what choices to they have none but yes for the ones that do have the mental capacity to chose small changes can help one has to change to make things happen
    I just know not all have that choice
     
  5. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    No I do not agree. I agree with the positive sentiment you are trying to share but you have put this in Soap Box and not motivational messages. So you will find my response somewhat critical and opinionated.

    All habits are technically learned habits. You learning to alter your own habits was likely learned from some one. So you have just replaced one learned habit with another. At the same time you want to imprint those learned habits on your children. So I really don't see your point regarding learned habits allowing you to forgive atrocity. That leaves the question then what is a natural habit? If some one did something horrific to your children that had an awful upbringing would you so easily forgive? The law certainly doesn't forgive. A terrible upbringing rarely has any weight at all, only the harm done and so called 'remorse' really matters. Or if they have eaten too many twinkies.

    Some people simply choose to be cruel. They have no horrific upbringing, none of the standard Hollywood tropes that explain why people can be debase scum. They have loving parents, never particularly known hardship or been abused. They choose to do harm in full knowledge of the harm they are committing, they honestly don't care.

    It is viewed with the same depth of thought, as often shown by people eating a hamburger, which was once a cow that a had metal bolt shot through its skull, so you can enjoy nourishment at its expense. You are simply that hamburger. Mmm oh so tasty with ketchup. Suffering is simply a side order of fries. If you are unfortunate that person wants the whole thing super sized and a regular meal.

    This leads to something called learned helplessness and battered wife syndrome, you should look both those up. Fists are not required. It will help explain to you why a person seemingly accepts a terrible damaging situation and doesn’t simply move out of it when logic strongly suggest they should. Worse than that they defend their suffering and turn hostile when you try and get them out of it. Some people on Sf are most definitely in the being abused and stuck camp. Unless you are going to go round and offer them shelter or assist them to get to shelter and fight through their fear and defence mechanisms.

    You assertion they simply choose or have control is frankly offensive to me and those I have represented and likely any one reading this who feels trapped, alone and afraid. I honestly hope you never experiences what it is to be smashed apart so hard that you cannot think for yourself, that your very self will is undermined. Where your life is ruled by crippling fear and self doubt. Or worse the belief that you deserve to be badly treated.

    Also the very existence of the mental capacity act is fairly strong proof not every one can simply choose or has control.

    If I came into your home and forcefully drugged you with a mix of high grade PCP and cocaine. It would be interesting to see how much control you think you have at that point. What mess you will make and how every one else will view it. Especially if that never happened and I am simply a figment of your imagination. Congratulations you have just entered mental illness land or any other illness that wrecks capacity in your life.

    Seeking direction is a valid point, the direction less are often the most depressed and dissatisfied. Spirituality is fine and good up until the point it strays into offensive territory by implying there is some sort of metaphysical justice at work and people deserve their lot in life. It is at that point you will find me viciously hostile to spirituality that is engaged in that depth of magical thinking. Please look up the Just World Fallacy if you do think people get what they deserve.
     
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I am afraid I will have to disagree with you total eclipse. Which is fine. That is the great thing about debating.

    The whole point of this post is the fact that we can control how we contribute to life. We can control how we deal with life. We can decide to hold onto past failures, recent failures, or future failures. We can allow influences to determine our thoughts, moods, and words. But it continues to prove my point.

    You can allow your mind to be shackled to the reign of foreign influences or you can grab those reigns and do as YOU will. You can rebuild your character into someone you have always wanted to be. It's work to do so but it's not impossible.

    I struggle daily in keeping control over myself. I still have the whole anger issue to deal with. The point is; I choose to struggle for control. I fail more than I succeed but I know over time it will get easier until I have over come this issue and I will be victorious.

    I could continue to allow my poor anger management skills rule over my life. That is still a choice.

    I am speaking mainly about grown adults here. We all know babies, and children have limited choices. It is when they grow up their choices can be changed. Their environments can improve.
    Even at my lowest low with my past mental illnesses I still made choices. Grant it; they were some of the dumbest choices I could have made, but life is about learning from our bad choices. It's about striving to make better choices for ourselves and those around us.
    We do not have to settle, or accept anything that we do not want to. There is hope in all forms. It's when we settle our just accept the worst we reject any possibility of anything else. That to me is one of the worst things we could possibly do.
     
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Adam- Thanks for your input. I would like to comment on forgiveness. I am convinced forgives is the best thing a person can do in life. When you are able to forgive others you are reclaiming control over your mind, soul, and body. You are able to have closure and growth.

    I am able to forgive for many reasons. First and foremost I can admit that I am far from perfect. I have made my share of mistakes and bad choices in life. I still continue to slip here and there in making bad choices in life, and I still make mistakes. This keeps me in a state of humility. I can empathize with my fellow humans, because I know the struggles they face on a daily basis.

    Secondly; I have learned from my experiences in this life. I am able to recognize the impact of outside influences on humans when they are at their most vulnerable state.

    I have lived through and witnessed these impacts, and know them to be true. We can control what influences we either accept or reject once we are old enough to do so. Some people take longer than others, but people eventually figure it out.

    It is only when a person gives up and accepts a reality that they doom themselves to that reality. Whether they know it or not they still have choices. Small and consistent choices that can open the door to huge possibilities.

    I do not agree with the bad choices others make, but I can hope that they learn from them. Someone can choose to harm me either physically or mentally. I can still choose how I will respond. I can choose to allow them to continue to hurt me long after they have stopped from hurting me.

    Forgiveness is how I would choose to handle that situation. You get closure when you are able to forgive. Don't get me wrong; forgiveness takes time. Sometimes it takes longer than others.

    One effective way I am able to forgive even the most terrible of crimes is by the knowledge of our humble and innocent beginnings as babies.
    Another is the trust in the one true justice that has been proven to me while I have lived on this earth.
    Another way is to keep a humble mind frame. I may not know everyone's story, but I am confident in what I do know. We all have suffered greatly in one form of another in this life. That suffering has molded us one way or another.

    We can be victims to that suffering or we can break that mold. We can be recreated in the greatest love that I personally have found while on my spiritual walk.

    If you accept anything our reject anything you are still using the power of choice.
     
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I would just like to add that great change comes from great direction and inspiration. There are proven alternatives to living life successfully. You may not become rich and famous, but success in life isn't material wealth. At least this is my opinion.
    A successful life to me involves happiness, love, joy, and direction. It's the spiritual connection that satisfies your spiritual health.
    I once neglected my soul and I suffered a loneliness that nothing I tried could fill it. No one I found could fill it either. That was until I sought spiritual enlightenment. I opened my mind to the possibility that my assumptions about spirituality was wrong so I decided to look for myself . I began my spiritual journey and I found the piece that was missing.
    It began with a choice to change a learned behavior. More choices followed and I am on my way to more than I could ever imagine.
    A successful life rich in what matters.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Makes me a bit nervous that you did not preface this statement by "I think" or "I believe". I believe that when we are so sure of something for everyone, it leaves no room for other possibilities. And I think that could lead to tremendous self blame for those who may not be able to effect the change, on an ongoing basis, you speak of. Just my opinion
     
  10. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I used to have a friend who accepting being depressed and miserable, and she refused to do anything about. I understand being afraid to get help and to tell someone how you feel, but I just couldn't be friends with someone like that anymore. I'm trying to be more positive and happy, and that kind of negativity has no place in my life anymore.

    I wish people would get help but people won't change unless they want to change. That is a fact.
     
  11. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    You are precisely the same as some of the people i talk to on facebook that have no grasp of mental illness, and think religion/spirituality/drugs are the answer to everything.

    Telling someone who is suffering from depression or who is feeling suicidal to just think positively and their troubles will be over is about as much use as a fart in the wind.
     
  12. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Though religion is not my thing and does not work for me I have no reason to believe that Daphna's problems were any less severe or real than anybody else's on here and she has just as much grasp about mental illness as you or anybody else here does. If her method worked for her I am glad, because it does not work for you or I does not make here less competent to talk about her own experience or you more understanding about mental illness in general.

    Anytime people are trying to tell other people what will work for them there will be a problem - whether it is somebody saying praying is the answer or somebody telling somebody that it does work for that it is a waste of time.... it is up to each of us to find the way that works for us....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2013
  13. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    hey, daphna! interesting thoughts. i agree that pt 1 and 2 of your solution to problems/conflicts could benefit certain people in certain circumstances. however, at 3 you begin to lose me and 4 seems to be just a semantic alteration of "accept something that is unpleasant"

    for example: let's say i associate unpleasant feelings with the with the knowledge that people suffer in this world. if i decide i no longer want to have this feeling associate with that. i have to change my emotional response to the knowledge that people suffer (insofar as it can be changed)my knowledge that people still suffer doesn't change, just my views regardng it. therefore, i've come to accept it ( am indifferent, see it as a +) and it is no longer unpleasant(or less so)

    if the idea here is to change myself to the point that everything i now view as unpleasant is no longer unpleasant, to me, that's not only impossible, but a bad idea. currently, i agree that with the theory we are largely products of our environment with some genetic disposition thrown in there. there's typically a reason (environmental or biological) why we associate certain things with an upleasant thoughts/feelings. it doesn't feel nice, especially taken to extremes, but disregarding all unpleasant feelings like pain, fear, guilt etc will most likely lead to negative consequences for yourself and others somewhere down the line.like if the bromide "don't care what others think" were followed through, i can see it leading to job loss or legal problems for quite a few people.

    i think we fundamentally disagree on the extent to which we can dictate our will. it's just my intuitive belief i guess, but it seems that the way we learn or arrive at values/beliefs/preferences is such a complex, multifactorial process, occuring at such a crucial time, that in some cases, it can't be unraveled. also, like you said, determination or making a choice to change plays an essential part. often times, learned behaviors prevent a someone from changing their learned behaviors.

    unfortunately, i don't live in my ideal world. i live in the real world; one with limitations. in the real world, when problems arise, i have to take into account what I am working with psychologically, geographically, monetarily, socially, etc. most of the time i don't have the ability/time/motivaition to completely sever my emotional association regarding the problem. instead, i usually can only make incremental changes or find temporarily ways to 'cope' with the challenges and conflicts of living in a non-ideal sociological/physical reality.

    so yes, i believe if i am to survive and thrive in the world i find myself in, by neccessity, i have to accept some things i deem unpleasant. most people seem to be okay with this. However, our values seem to be in line on the point that it is the "worst" thing someone can do. haha.
     
  14. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Kaos General- Hello. I have suffered from many troubling things in this life. I still deal with things that are out of my control as well. What I can control I aim to and lately I feel as though I have been getting along a lot better than I used to.

    1. I have the understanding I didn't previously have.
    2. I have tried harder to control myself. Self control is a biggie.
    3. I don't dwell on the negative and I make a plan to over come the obstacles in my life.

    Do I grasp the true feeling of depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness out there?I believe I do. I lived it for twenty three years. I used to assume happy people never had any real problems. I used to despise the cheery and positive souls who shined their lights in my darkness. But that was my biggest problem, I assumed and based my whole life on assumptions. Every action I chose to do; I did in the narrow view point that my life was worse than anyone else's. Truth is, it couldn't have been further from the truth.
    Every living thing on this planet suffers in some way. I contributed to that suffering by dwelling on my own issues and choosing to do nothing to fix the problems.

    Like NYJumpmaster had kindly commented on my behalf: I have found something that works. It's free, and it had completely changed my life for the better. What kind of person would I be to keep this wonderful cure all to myself? It's only natural that I want to help others who suffer as I once have. Especially when I know what can help them.
     
  15. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you NY! I appreciate your kind words.
    I do understand that some may take offense to my advice. I can understand their feelings. It's all about perception. Some perceive me as pushy in my beliefs, or ignorant to what true suffering is.
    They don't understand my motives and this opens their mind to the worst possible thoughts. They also don't know me. It's that simple.
    Lemme ask all of you:

    Wouldn't it make more sense to share your success with others so that they too can be successful?

    That's my motive. If it were a plant, or a pill I would be here doing the same thing. Sharing my wonderful experience with everyone so that they can be freed from the hell they experience in their day to day life.
    I know the misunderstandings will cause issues and that isn't my goal at all. I appreciate you. I hope you had a blessed holiday!
     
  16. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Bundles- Hi there! I thank you for your thoughts.
    I believe that we can learn what we choose to learn. Since we agree that we are products of our environment: then we agree that our actions are learned behaviors. If we still agree to this point; then I feel confident in the assumption that we will agree in my next point.

    We can relearn new habits, and we can rebuild ourselves through these new choices. But that raises the question:
    Where does one learn new habits? Where can we learn the new choices that we can make???

    Like all things learned; it takes instructions. Then it takes the choice to follow them. This is why I highly recommend a spiritual journey to seek the answers to life's questions. Life has many questions and there are answers to those questions. It is up to us to seek them, and to accept them.

    I see this world as it is. There are no sugared goggles on my eyes. There is something terribly wrong with this world and how we as humans chose to live in it. There is no denying that! Lol.
    At the same time I have found answers to the questions and some great instructions for life on this planet. It not only helps me in my choices for personal change. It also positively affects those around me.

    For example: by living this new way in life I visibly show the world that it has options. There are other ways to living than what is popularly accepted.

    If we continue to do as we have always done; how can we expect our lives to be any different than what it has always been to this point?

    Habits are just that-- habits. Habits can be replaced with better habits. Bad habits can be removed from our lives for good. It takes time but it's not impossible.

    My whole point is that I believe one of the worst things we can do is accept these learned behaviors as who WE are. With no hope that we can change and remove these negative learned behaviors from our lives. We can choose who we are going to be by the choices we make. By the behaviors we accept or reject in our character.

    Do we still agree?? :)
     
  17. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Flowers- I thank you for your opinion. Like all advice, or instructions, a person would have to apply them in their lives to prove or disprove them. Otherwise they would be basing the results on assumptions.

    I apply all my advice in my daily choices with great results. This makes me confident that others will reach the same results by doing the same thing. I also know many others who live and believe as I do. They also show these same results. I do not assume in my belief that these methods can enrich anyone's life. I am convinced by the results I witness others experience and that I personally experience on a day to day basis. :)
     
  18. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Pancake 111: Hi! Thank you for your testimony. You have realized that you have the power of choice. You are showing positive changes by your choices.
    If you can do this anyone can. You are right that it is up to the individual to change. But we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Changing ourselves is doing a lot. It is essential to make positive changes in our lives in order to positively affect those that surround us. Good for you!! :)
     
  19. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I do agree with you on a few things Daphna but there are some things I don't. I agree that people need to take responsibility for their own illnesses, educate themselves about it, learn their limits and triggers etc. It's important that people empower themselves because at the end of the day it is up to them who is going to be in charge of their recovery. I also believe that you do have to step out of your comfort zone and try new things because it may be the very thing that is a turning point. Also celebrating small goals and achievements is important because it is the smaller things that matter in the big picture.

    However, to even get to the stage of acceptance and driving for change can take someone years to achieve and requires a lot of patience and perseverance. Anyone who has suffered from major depression will tell you that depression isn't patient and if life isn't good now it will never be. And then you have the cluster of illnesses that a person may have for the rest of their life such as bipolar, schizophrenia etc and also illnesses that carry massive stigmas such as borderline personality disorder. It can be hard for someone knowing that they will have to suffer with their illness for life and that despite medications and treatment things won't always get better. Yes it's
    Important people learn effective coping strategies but that's easier said than done especially if you are psychotic, you do not always realise you are ill because their hallucinations are their reality or their delusions or paranoia make what they feel very real. There's also the issue of mental health providers being over stretched, leaving people on waiting lists for treatment for some times years and some times not even being in a crisis bumps you up the list that much. There's the issue of treatment bring extremely limited for some people who find themselves worse of than where they started, but need tools such as therapies and specific treatments before they can ever dream of starting to recover. It's not always as simple as trying to think positive and having a positive attitude. Sometimes when even the mental health system fails you it's very hard to maintain any level of positivity, it's very hard to see that anything will ever get better because depression isn't patient or understanding. That's the situation me and many others find themselves in today. I am trying so hard to persevere, have patience, remain positive but it's very difficult when you face blow after blow after blow no matter how proactive you try to be.
     
  20. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello and thank you for answering my post Butterfly. The whole point I am trying to make by this post is that we do not have to accept the labels people put on us. We do not have to accept disturbing thoughts that enter into our mind as our own. We do not have to accept the bad habits we have picked up in life as who we are.
    We do not have to claim anything that we do not want to. We can learn, grow and change.
    I was diagnosed by several different doctors as being bipolar with boarder line personality. I have always suffered from poor anger management. This is a learned behavior that I adopted through my step dad. I no longer suffer from bipolar or boarder line personality, but I am a work in progress with the anger management.
    I know the feeling of uncertainty and distress. I once believed the doctors when they told me that I am going to suffer from these issues for the rest of my life. They are wrong. They don't hold the answers that help and heal individuals. The best they can do is drug you up to help you cope. Which BTW doesn't do anything productive at all. They give you another way to run from your problems and to suppress any hope that you could possibly have to heal.

    Do I know how scary it can be to face problems head on? You bet. Do I know how defeating it is when every time you do try something you get knocked down flat on your face? YES. Do I know the loneliness one can feel while they are in the mental distress of everyday life. You better believe it. I have been there, done that, and got the straight jacket to prove it.

    I have been there and I am now out of there. I am simply trying to help others do the same thing. Once you realize that change can and will happen. You can do something about it. It takes participation from the individual, and it takes the most important part:CHANGE.

    Change in one's assumptions by reaching out to learn the truth for themselves.
    Change in one's attitude from I can't to I will.
    Change in one's character, by seeking character traits that they admire in someone else and to apply where needed.
    Change in one's choices in their day to day life.

    Confusion is one of the worst sufferings known to mankind in my opinion, but confusion can be stomped by seeking information. Become informed.

    The mental health industry is a joke.They are the main ones that convince people to just accept their suffering. They may offer helpful coping strategies, but in truth this doesn't truly do anything. Do people heal and move on with their lives never to return? No instead they become dependent on a prescribed placebo pill and told that they had better get used to it. Is this truly helpful?

    I would have to say NO!!! :-D

    Change requires you to try something new.
     
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