One Of Them Days..... ughhhh

[Julia-C]

It has been one of those days where everything seems to bring up memories from the past. I stubbed my toe this morning, no big deal. I got into a minor traffic accident, no one was hurt and it wasn’t my fault because they hit me. I stepped on my cats tail and she cried out and it made me feel bad. I dropped a carton of eggs on the floor and Toy (my cat) started licking it and I yelled at her. I spent 4 hours trying to get a bug worked out of my website but I became so frustrated that I felt like an idiot for not realizing how simple the problem was at the beginning. Then I get on to S.F. and started reading others posts and it began to trigger thoughts which I thought had been gone for a long time. All I wanted to do was to motivate people to feel better and I ended up making myself feel worse.

Later I was cutting an apple into slices for a late night snack and I accidentally cut my finger. The instant I realized I cut it I purposely allowed myself to make the cut deeper and longer then it would have been. Bad thing is that I felt better afterwards. I felt good for punishing myself for having bad luck, stepping on my cats tail then yelling at her, and not being able to figure out a simple scripting error on my website.

The part that really scares me now is that I enjoyed the flood of sensation that the cut sent through my mind, and I am sitting here craving it. I have never been a cutter, but I have used cigarettes to burn myself before. I don’t smoke so I had to put my keys out of sight so that I wouldn’t be tempted to go buy a pack so I could punish myself. I poured water on all the kitchen matches so that they wouldn’t light, and then put the clothes iron outside.

I feel like such an idiot. What kind of adult person has to idiot proof their home from themselves. To make matters worse my cat who normally would be sharing my lap with my notebook computer seems to be mad at me for stepping on her tail. She’s off in another room.

I’m going to go into the chat room for a while, maybe I just need some company.

 

[the masked depressant]

awwwww julia

hugs... i hope it gets better for you

 

[dazzle11215]

isn't it awful when everything goes wrong like that.
good for you for taking care of yourself by getting rid of the matches and the iron. that's something to be proud of, not to beat youself up over. takes courage.
your kitty will be back soon, perhaps even by the time you read this!
hope tomorrow is better for you,
c

 

[poisonedresistance]

Ow,, I hope you have had a better end to the day. I really hope you have better luck tomorrow. Toy will forgive you, im always stepping on flixy my cat by mistake, he goes and almays with the dog for a while then gets over it and comes back on my lap!

 

[Julia-C]

It wasn't better. Everything keeps happening. S.F. deleted my threads about my dad.
What's the point any more?

 

[dazzle11215]

omg why did they do that? that's outrageous. they helped me so much. who can i write to complain?

c

 

[dazzle11215]

sent you a pm

 

[In Limbo]

Aww Julia my sympathies go out to you, if ever you want someone to talk to my PM box is always open.

Mods, please maybe we could have an explanation as to why those threads were removed? If there's no good reason - could they be put back?

 

[dazzle11215]

i wrote two letters to management about this and the answer i got was that the threads were too triggering, esp. for younger members of SF. they were moved to a section of the site that the rest of us can't see.

i call that as bullshit. sorry, i am just so angry about this.

it's so important to speak our own truth about the ways we were hurt as children. so important.

by making the threads non public it gives the message that some things are too shameful to talk about and i think we survivors have been shamed enough.

the rape/abuse forum has a trigger warning on it, we have to trust each other that we don't read it when we are in a bad place.

i bet this gets locked, but before it does i wanted to get this out.

if you disagree with this decision please write a letter to management. it may not make a difference but if enough of us complain, well, perhaps they will listen.

julia, i'm sorry this happened. i wish i was still a mod (used to be) so i could argue this one from the inside.

please don't hurt yourself. PM me if i can be any help or support.

 

[Julia-C]

Thanks guys but it won't do any good. They reserve the right in their rules. see here

 

[dazzle11215]

i agree with what you posted on your image. they could have handled this way better. the whole point of a rape/abuse section is to have a safe place as survivors to talk about the difficult stuff. the stuff we can't talk about anywhere else.

as for triggering, i'm certain my threads on my struggle with porno and being forced to have sex with another child were triggering.

it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves. if you aren't safe, don't read. that's why i stay out of chat, i find it triggering.

so sorry this happened. still mad.

julia if you want to write about this on a blog and send me the link, i'm happy to keep reading. nothing you wrote shocked me. just saddened me very much. i'm sorry you were hurt.

 

[In Limbo]

I'm with Catherine on this every step of the way, yes it may be triggering, but there were explicit warnings of this on the threads themselves. If such subject matter cannot be posted on a forum such as this - then where can it?

It may be within their right to do so - but in this case I go with the old adage, that the law's an ass.

 

[In Limbo]

Letter sent to management, doubt anything will come of it - but again I'd echo the request for others who feel the same way to register a complaint.