Been having one of those very depressed days today, which has been developing again for the past couple weeks. Being ill probably contributes to this mood as well. So I feel the need to write in hope of finding some relief from this state.
My head is full of confusing thoughts again. Confusion of what's wrong, and what to do. Actually it's less of what's wrong as a year of depression has given me plenty of time to identify the cause of my depression. But I yet have to figure out a proper solution. I have one plan, which is to leave altogether, and I have acquired the pieces necessary to do so. If I wanted to, I could be gone in a minute from now. But though I know all the pain will stop if I go through with that plan, I'm looking for a way to stay. Or I should say looking for a way to stop this emotional pain so that I would want to stay.
Today is mother's day. I didn't call my mom since I've not been speaking with my parents, nor my sister since December. I'm single. The only family I have is a cousin and his family near me, and his wife has been my support for about a year now. The support has been great, though a bit of a trying experience a few times. Still though, I'm not sure where I would've been now if not for the support.
But things have changed, as she is on strange terms with me. A couple weeks ago, we had an odd discussion that hurt me. Specifically, I asked why people are so reactive... when someone's alive and asks for help, they get ignored, but as soon as something happens or others assume something has happened, they're there with all this concern. If so, it would be too late then. Why don't people care when it's most needed? She blasted at me that people have their own lives, families and priorities. True, but being told that really hurt. I politely told her that it hurt and didn't want to be rude, but wanted to get off the phone, which I did.
Since then, she gives me the cold shoulder. I don't get invited over for dinner anymore or breakfast on Sundays which used to be a weekly regular. I did join them and some other friends for lunch today, but I felt like I was being given the cold shoulder. I felt like they did not want me to be there. But I'm not sure what I did wrong here? Yes, maybe I've been demanding a lot of time from her, but I've directly told her more than a few times that I feel like I'm imposing or demanding time from them, but I am repeatedly told that's not the case. What is being stated is quite different that the actions and now I feel like I've done something wrong that I'm not being told about. I am being lied to and it feels unfair, as I've always been straight up with her. It really hurts as this has been my support person who has been compassionate up to this point and I have a lot invested emotionally in confiding in her. But she can't be straight with me? Something suddenly changed that she's taking out on me, and I have no idea how to fix it. It hurts. It really hurts and I'm not sure what to do from here.
My head is full of confusing thoughts again. Confusion of what's wrong, and what to do. Actually it's less of what's wrong as a year of depression has given me plenty of time to identify the cause of my depression. But I yet have to figure out a proper solution. I have one plan, which is to leave altogether, and I have acquired the pieces necessary to do so. If I wanted to, I could be gone in a minute from now. But though I know all the pain will stop if I go through with that plan, I'm looking for a way to stay. Or I should say looking for a way to stop this emotional pain so that I would want to stay.
Today is mother's day. I didn't call my mom since I've not been speaking with my parents, nor my sister since December. I'm single. The only family I have is a cousin and his family near me, and his wife has been my support for about a year now. The support has been great, though a bit of a trying experience a few times. Still though, I'm not sure where I would've been now if not for the support.
But things have changed, as she is on strange terms with me. A couple weeks ago, we had an odd discussion that hurt me. Specifically, I asked why people are so reactive... when someone's alive and asks for help, they get ignored, but as soon as something happens or others assume something has happened, they're there with all this concern. If so, it would be too late then. Why don't people care when it's most needed? She blasted at me that people have their own lives, families and priorities. True, but being told that really hurt. I politely told her that it hurt and didn't want to be rude, but wanted to get off the phone, which I did.
Since then, she gives me the cold shoulder. I don't get invited over for dinner anymore or breakfast on Sundays which used to be a weekly regular. I did join them and some other friends for lunch today, but I felt like I was being given the cold shoulder. I felt like they did not want me to be there. But I'm not sure what I did wrong here? Yes, maybe I've been demanding a lot of time from her, but I've directly told her more than a few times that I feel like I'm imposing or demanding time from them, but I am repeatedly told that's not the case. What is being stated is quite different that the actions and now I feel like I've done something wrong that I'm not being told about. I am being lied to and it feels unfair, as I've always been straight up with her. It really hurts as this has been my support person who has been compassionate up to this point and I have a lot invested emotionally in confiding in her. But she can't be straight with me? Something suddenly changed that she's taking out on me, and I have no idea how to fix it. It hurts. It really hurts and I'm not sure what to do from here.