One of those days....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Feb 13, 2008.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ever have one of those days where you didn't know everything was going to fall into place so perfectly, but they do? Mine started of so so went to bad, worse and then to my usual suicidal thoughts. Then as if an answer to it all, I find out that through miscommunication, my doc and pdoc have both given my a 3 month prescription for the same med. And they are already on file at 2 different pharmacies. Thank you doctors!!!! The first and last thing you have ever done right for me. Enough meds there to drop an elephant in it's tracks. Waste not want not. Gonna go pick them all up tomorrow. If this had been yesterday I probably would of disregarded one of them. But today it is an answer to my prayers.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I hope you're not planning on taking those pills all at once Itmahanh. You've been a really good friend to me and I don't want to lose you hun. Please be safe.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    God, I honestly don't remember anything ever being so meant to be in my life!! I went and picked up the prescriptions and in one of the parking lots, I found $20.00!!! Now I can by the rye that I'll need too. Someone up there is finally telling me that it's my time. It wont fail this time!!
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Maybe finding the $20.00 was a sign from God that things are finally going to change for the better Itmahana? Please don't go through with this. :sad:
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    hi itmahanh, I felt like ending it myself for so long now, that I dont know why I'm still here. Everydays the same but everyday I wake up, so there must be a reason for my existence, the pains so bad i just dont see it. You always cheer me up in the chatroom and your replies to my posts, always make perfect sense. We need you Imahanh, I need you and your family needs you, so please dont do this. I'll be thinking about you :smile:

    all we need in life is friends that care
  6. kimailis

    kimailis Active Member

    you know, i would just say "@$#@ it! i dont care that i have a bad day, ill enjoy it!" dont ignore your problems just face them head on with a smile on your face and enjoy the battle because it will make you feel alive and strong.

    life rocks!
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You have a great attitude! Hold on to it and let it keep you strong. Hope all your battles leave you victorious!! Mine have been long and hard and I'm ready to accept defeat.
  8. kimailis

    kimailis Active Member

    never accept it! life is meant to be a battle and no matter how we win(by ourselves, with the help of others), i will not accept that people i have a connection with will surrender.
    defeat is unacceptable.
    the victory is much closer than it seems.
    the battle is much easier than it looks like.
    you have been through a lot of fights, what means that you are strong, dont give up.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    All those fights have worn me down, not built me up. Ah the exuberence of youth. It makes you see and feel like anything is possible. At my age, you start realizing that they aren't.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Should read one of these days. I'm on such a high right now. Able to enjoy life, laugh feel good about things. But I know all too well it wont last (bipolar). And I know the swing to the other side is what I'm waiting for. The trigger to finally put all the pills and booze to good use. I'm so fucking scared of death, have been all my life. But I know it is the only way to finish all this other shit in my life. The only way. So, just biding my time I guess. But I'm ready. Everything about this has been so right, like it was handed to me by God himself. Like I told my pdoc, I dont want to be dead, but need to be dead. Please, I hope you know how much so many of you have meant to me.
    Stay safe.
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I thougth that if I posted maybe it would make things a bit better. Maybe I was holding out for those last words that might change my mind. But it's only part way through my day and it has already kicked the shit out of me. Beaten me down and all the will I've been holding onto so tightly lately. So I sit here at my computer, with all the pills and a bottle of booze beside me and see nothing else. It was just empty promises. They all say don't do it. They promise to be there and to help. But then they forget. Unfortunately I didn't forget all those promises. I can't do this anymore. I have fought the suicidal thoughts long enough, too long actually. It's a fight I was never meant to win. So with all the pills and booze I sit here defeated. They are the only thing I have left I can truly depend on. Times up.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2008
  12. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    I honestly wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, and make your life better. But I know all-too-well how you're feeling and I highly doubt that anything I could say will help.

    People always want us to talk about things, and I'm one of those people who offer to be a shoulder-to-cry-on (and I never mind doing that at all - I like to be there for people), but not all of us benefit from talking, or hearing other people talk to us.

    For me, talking about things doesn't work. It doesn't change the facts in my life.

    I just hope that, if you do end it, you find peace at last.
  13. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    how many times have i told you that this isnt the way fo you hun, the pills and booze just add to things not cure them.

    you are who you are and you have problems as we all do but i know you hun, i know you are strong and i know you are a fighter.

    don't give up, please just carry on fighting.

    i know you are tired and you think you are beyond hope, but i don't think so

    you have so much more to do in your life, so much more to give

    believe me darlin

    take care

  14. Zodi

    Zodi Anitiquities Friend

    *hugs* I know how you feel.
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Andy I was a fighter. But life has finally left me ko'd. Just nothing left to give. And this time the pills and booze will cure it once and for all. And it doesn't matter if I find Hell or peace. I've lived Hell so it won't be a surprise and peace, probably won't be mine either, but atleast it will anything but what I have now. So tonight I find one or other. I'll go about my evening and night like usual. Only I'll know that it is actually the beginning to the end of this shit.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm still here for you Itmahanh. :hug:
  17. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Take care of yourself, sweetie. :hug:
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