It's one of those days where i'm sitting here crying so hard my head hurts. My life is in such shambles that i don't know what to do. I'm so sick of fighting...so tired of trying.... I was with my ex for years. It wasn't a good relationship. He was abusive, physically, emotionally and mentally. So a year and a half ago, i'm seeing a therapist, i'm trying to help myself. I decide, i need to leave. So i do just that. Leaving left me with nothing. I'd never been "allowed a car, a job, money, friends...my relationship with my family was dead" so here i was with just me and my 2 kids, on the streets. A really nice family takes us in, helps us out. I was starting to see the light. 6 months later my ex has me in court. He has a house, a car, a means to finacially care for my children, so the judge makes him the primary caregiver. Now here i am now...going to school full-time, taking classes to start doing taxes for a living in january, busting my rear to get a grip on life and for what? My children come to me with bruises across their faces, telling me how their dad beats on them and all CPS can tell me is that I have to wait...wait on what? I've buried 2 children before...they were mo-mo twins...all i can think is i'm going to get that call...that call that tells me he's gone too far... i'm so angry at myself. because i feel so selfish. if i'd just stayed...stayed and took my lashings...i could have protected my children...but i wanted a better life for "me". how am i a good mother if i can't even protect my children. i feel so helpless and defeated...just so tired of fighting.