One of those days

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Bograt, Sep 7, 2012.

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  1. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Woke up this morning numb. I'm 29 today. I've made a big deal out of not making a big deal out of today, to the point of concealing it the best I can from my few friends (still stuck with family though).

    I know my bleak mood is not due to my age, I really could care less. I've had quite a few days like this before as well.

    I cut, and have been cutting more recently. My last slice was about a week ago. I used to make 1 to 3 cuts, now I do my best to butcher my leg.

    There is a little part of my that is terrified. Before, the last bastion of life before killing myself was thoughts of my wife and son, and what it would do to them. I know it would be a horrifically traumatic event, but the larger part of my mind is convinced that they would get over me and move on to someone better.

    I honestly hope I don't offend anyone. I know there are quite a few folks on here that want desperately what I seem ready to throw away. Unfortunately (in my case at least) having a wife/child does not significantly alter whatever brain chemistry is messing with me. I was like this when I was lonely and single.

    With this numb-leaning-to-bad feeling, those thoughts that kept me around feel distant and indistinct. I have a few hotlines opened in other tabs, I just haven't called yet.

    I don't know what I need or what to expect at this point. I'm sitting here at work on the verge of tears.

    the logical part of my mind knows that i'm not alone and that there are many people who long me and would do anything to help, if they knew. The select few I have told about my issues don't seem to understand how severe my problems are (Except my wife. She wigs out when I get like this around her).

    I know this post does not do much to help me (with not idea of what will).
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    LISTEN to that logical part and reach out and get the help and support you need hun to heal ok just do it. Your family need you well hun you deserve to be happy
    NOONE gets over their loves ones that have suicided i know that much ok There is help out t here you reach out and get it hugs
  3. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Thank you, Eclipse. With the (unknowing) help of my family, I am holding on. Minute by minute. I keep thinking about "going to the bathroom" to cut.

    Getting through this is a Marathon, not a sprint it seems.
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