One of those really bad days

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by metamemory, Mar 24, 2016.

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  1. metamemory

    metamemory New Member

    I am having a bad couple of days and not sure I am coping well.
    We had to write a paper for Uni, which was a first (usually we only take exams) and I got a mark way worse than expected. Usually we only do presentations in our advanced course and get fairly good grades for them, but our tutor in this course is this achievement oriented girl who just finished her PhD with Summa cum laude and is going off to Oxford soon. So she gave us some really bad marks and when I wrote an email asking to talk she arrogantly told me that one day I'd be thankful.
    Which I most certainly am not, because we need to have really good grades to get to do a Masters degree and I'm not certain I am gonna make it now.

    I really am under a lot of pressure with my studies - we need straight A's and I barely make the cut, while working to pay my rent.
    I know that my marks aren't bad, that I am still above average in my year, but my whole future is at risk.
    (And I'm twenty-nine and it took a lot of effort to even get there). People suggest I could sue the Uni to get in, but I am starting to feel like a cheat and I'm starting to be ashamed.
    I am afraid to see my mum tomorrow, because I don't want to tell her I might not get a spot for my masters or at least will have to move away. I don't want to tell her I am not good enough.

    In general I tend to be slightly depressed and I can be bad with regulating my emotions. But right now I just cry every few hours. That kind of crying where you feel desperate, like its never gonna get better.
    I feel like a rat trapped in a box that keeps giving off electroshocks and I know that I'll never get out.

    In addition to that I got unnerving emails from a website I registered on eight years ago and went on it to delete my account. By doing so I came across a very sexual comment, displayed on my timeline, that my ex has made to another girl recently. That hurts a lot too. He is my second last boyfriend, the whole relationship was somewhat emotionally abusive and before we were close friends. I'm clearly not over him and don't think I'll ever be.
    And since my last boyfriend dumped me after six months, saying he hated the sex and I'll find someone "less superficial" to love me, I have decided to never be sexual with anyone ever again. Simply because I can't take another comment like that.

    And my mum and my younger brother are having plenty of conflicts and because I am the sensible one I am somehow expected to solve them.

    And I'm just not sure why I keep fighting to stay in this life. It's so painful.
    I feel like not a single one of my dreams will ever come true - I won't be able to finish studying and get a workplace that I love and I won't have a family.
    And if I have a family I will be unable to provide for them. I am broke and in debt as it is.
    Its just not getting better, no matter how hard I fight.

    And I could stop everything and start living on social welfare (which we have to some extend in my country), but that won't be full filling. And I just want there to be a middle ground. A scenario where I don't have to keep trying so hard, but put in some effort and in turn make some positive experiences and end up with some sort of job that makes me happy and pays the bills.
     
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Look for the bright side, try not to give up. I have been dealing with my latest episode of depression for 3 months now. I keep telling myself it will be okay yet everyday seems to get worse.
     
  3. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Well you're definitely very good at explaining yourself. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I can understand that life just seems way too much right now. I guess your expectations on how things should be going hasn't worked out... Or you just don't think it is.
    I'm sorry about what has happened with your ex's. Ex's can be hard to deal with because when we love someone it's very hard to lose that love. When one tells us we're bad at sex or just a bad person we feel worse because their opinions matter.

    To me it sounds like you have way too much to deal with. Use this place to get things off your mind. Vent here. Sometimes doing so helps us digest our own problems and work some out.

    If you fancy a chat pm me.
     
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you're struggling so much. It sounds like you're under extreme stress.

    One thing to do is to let off some steam by talking about what is happening around you, like you've already done. Continue to vent, and know this is a safe place to do so.
    Have you talked to the school counselor about all of this? Maybe they have some great insight in what can be done to help you. Right now it might seem like you can only see all that is wrong and not one solution; but they are out there. You just need a little help with finding them.

    Don't give up now. And don't forget yourself either. Stress can be very harmful to your body, so have you considered talking to your doctor about what is happening to you?

    *hugs* Take care of yourself hun!
     
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