one sad day

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well... its been a month since we've moved to this new place. and i don't know.
you can spend a whole day "smiling and having fun" and then walk away unchanged and empty.
its like theres always going to be something missing and its a feeling that can't go away in the snap of a finger.
I know that this is meaningless compared to real problems that people have to deal with- but i wish there was some support system i could fall back on. something real. not a person being payed to hear me out, or a computer screen, or telephone receiver. i mean real flesh and bones and a heart beat. and unattatched love- not from obligation, or parental instinct. but from the human condition of reaching out to another. anything that will confirm that this is actually worth it...
its what i crave- and that unsatiable desire drives me deeper into my hole.
self destruction almost. i dont know, im not making sense. but the thing is- i could jump out my window right now- and we live really high up. so i could jump and it would be done with. but i jsut know that there's something i should experience before throwing it all away. if only i could follow unquestioningly, a mindless clone accepting whatever drivel is shoved down my throat. If only we could slip into oblivion, another light in the stream of traffic. Another faceless soldier in this lost war.
I don't know.
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