One single flippant remark!

[Holding my breath]

Isn’t it amazing how one person can say one single flippant remark that knocks you completely off your feet, makes you feel like a complete waste of space. Like plunging a single dagger through the centre of your chest in one swift sharp blow. This morning’s one came from my husband and has made me nose dive. He’s carrying on like there’s nothing wrong and I’m crumbling.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

yeah, I hate how thoughtless people can be and they seem to forget that words can have a huge impact. I've had that a lot from various people, it's so infuriating and crushing, if only they took a few seconds to think before speaking. Even worse when its from someone you're close to I'm sorry, you didnt deserve that

 

[ManWithProblems]

Isn’t it amazing how one person can say one single flippant remark that knocks you completely off your feet, makes you feel like a complete waste of space. Like plunging a single dagger through the centre of your chest in one swift sharp blow. This morning’s one came from my husband and has made me nose dive. He’s carrying on like there’s nothing wrong and I’m crumbling.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this...its not u...it's him..maybe your husband has got some anger issues..maybe u can tell ur husband how u feel about that?

 

[Holding my breath]

yeah, I hate how thoughtless people can be and they seem to forget that words can have a huge impact. I've had that a lot from various people, it's so infuriating and crushing, if only they took a few seconds to think before speaking. Even worse when its from someone you're close to I'm sorry, you didnt deserve that

Thank you. I think I’m cross with myself for never saying anything. I always just sit there and take it. Let it get to me without any retaliation. He doesn’t even know that it hurt. He then carry’s on as if everything is normal. I’m left with hating myself for my response.

 

[ManWithProblems]

Thank you. I think I’m cross with myself for never saying anything. I always just sit there and take it. Let it get to me without any retaliation. He doesn’t even know that it hurt. He then carry’s on as if everything is normal. I’m left with hating myself for my response.

Maybe u need to tell him how u feel..don't u think?

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

Thank you. I think I’m cross with myself for never saying anything. I always just sit there and take it. Let it get to me without any retaliation. He doesn’t even know that it hurt. He then carry’s on as if everything is normal. I’m left with hating myself for my response.

I can relate, I usually stay quiet too. Times I brave up and dont stay quiet it can backfire and people get mad at me for saying anything so its hard to know what's best I would try to tell him if I were you ♥

 

[Holding my breath]

Thank you. I think I’m cross with myself for never saying anything. I always just sit there and take it. Let it get to me without any retaliation. He doesn’t even know that it hurt. He then carry’s on as if everything is normal. I’m left with hating myself for my response.

I can relate, I usually stay quiet too. Times I brave up and dont stay quiet it can backfire and people get mad at me for saying anything so its hard to know what's best I would try to tell him if I were you ♥

I don’t think I can. At the moment my girls are home with me and as long as they know I feel as if they’ve got my back. We don’t say anything but as long as they know then it’s ok. They are both leaving for uni in September and that will make it very difficult. I know partly why he does it. He’s on the spectrum and although I didn’t know when we met it seems to fit. It’s just his way and I have to make the most of it.

 

[Shush]

At the moment my girls are home with me and as long as they know I feel as if they’ve got my back. We don’t say anything but as long as they know then it’s ok. They are both leaving for uni in September and that will make it very difficult.

I am sorry that your husband does that. I am not trying to upset you. I know you are a good mom doing your best. But please stop relying on your girls for emotional support. It is damaging to your girls and their relationship with both you and their father. It puts them in the middle of your marriage. It is not appropriate. It parentifies your children and makes them responsible for your emotional well-being. Children (even adult children) should not be responsible for their parents emotional support. Talk to friends, get support here, talk to your husband. Your children are not your allies against your husband. And not dealing with your husband about the problems means nothing will ever improve. And it means your daughters will likely feel worried and guilty when they leave for university.

If you never tell your husband that what he says is upsetting, how will he ever know? If you sit silently of course he will carry on as if nothing is wrong because as far as he is concerned nothing is wrong. If he is on the ASD spectrum, chances are he is not very good at interpreting social cues - he needs to hear what is wrong directly. If you are unhappy in your marriage then you have choices and the ability to make changes. You can talk to your husband. You can suggest marriage counseling, you can get counselling for yourself. You can even choose to leave the marriage. But suffering in silence will solve nothing. And relying on your children for emotional support is not healthy for you or them. Please stop.

 

[Holding my breath]

At the moment my girls are home with me and as long as they know I feel as if they’ve got my back. We don’t say anything but as long as they know then it’s ok. They are both leaving for uni in September and that will make it very difficult.

I am sorry that your husband does that. I am not trying to upset you. I know you are a good mom doing your best. But please stop relying on your girls for emotional support. It is damaging to your girls and their relationship with both you and their father. It puts them in the middle of your marriage. It is not appropriate. It parentifies your children and makes them responsible for your emotional well-being. Children (even adult children) should not be responsible for their parents emotional support. Talk to friends, get support here, talk to your husband. Your children are not your allies against your husband. And not dealing with your husband about the problems means nothing will ever improve. And it means your daughters will likely feel worried and guilty when they leave for university.

If you never tell your husband that what he says is upsetting, how will he ever know? If you sit silently of course he will carry on as if nothing is wrong because as far as he is concerned nothing is wrong. If he is on the ASD spectrum, chances are he is not very good at interpreting social cues - he needs to hear what is wrong directly. If you are unhappy in your marriage then you have choices and the ability to make changes. You can talk to your husband. You can suggest marriage counseling, you can get counselling for yourself. You can even choose to leave the marriage. But suffering in silence will solve nothing. And relying on your children for emotional support is not healthy for you or them. Please stop.

Thank you, this made me feel a whole heap better.

 

[Ixtab]

Sorry good luck to you I know that feel.

 

[MosesY]

My relationship with my dad was the same exact thing. It was totally useless to say anything to him. He had a temper and I did not want to make him angry; he was much bigger than me and much stronger. I just endured in silence. It cost me my life. I don't know what I would do differently. I think I would pray to God to intervene.

 

[Sunspots]

Isn’t it amazing how one person can say one single flippant remark that knocks you completely off your feet, makes you feel like a complete waste of space. Like plunging a single dagger through the centre of your chest in one swift sharp blow. This morning’s one came from my husband and has made me nose dive. He’s carrying on like there’s nothing wrong and I’m crumbling.

I'm so sorry he made you feel so bad. Spectrum or not, you don't deserve that. I would often make the same excuse for my husband as I'm sure he is too. My husband would make remarks and "jokes" about me relentlessly. It's soul destroying.

My children knew how much his comments hurt me. They would often see my crying. Tbh it was obvious to everyone how much it hurt. I don't think there's anything wrong in talking to your children about it. They're old enough to understand. I would never try to turn them against him, he's their dad and always will be. But it's okay to seek their support and that's perfectly possible without causing division between them and him.

 

[Walker]

Maybe u need to tell him how u feel..don't u think?

This is what I'm thinking too. It's hard for you to hold something against yourself (and him) when you're saying you didn't say anything and he has no idea. But now you feel terrible about it and it's ruining your day. Is that because you have been through this a lot and feel like he won't care / fix it?

 

[Aurelia]

I'm so sorry he made you feel so bad. Spectrum or not, you don't deserve that. I would often make the same excuse for my husband as I'm sure he is too. My husband would make remarks and "jokes" about me relentlessly. It's soul destroying.

My children knew how much his comments hurt me. They would often see my crying. Tbh it was obvious to everyone how much it hurt. I don't think there's anything wrong in talking to your children about it. They're old enough to understand. I would never try to turn them against him, he's their dad and always will be. But it's okay to seek their support and that's perfectly possible without causing division between them and him.

I agree. If they're older kids, then there's nothing wrong with getting some support from them as long as they willingly want to give it. And they can make their own decisions about their father at this point as well.

 

[Holding my breath]

I’ve always said that there is always a reason for someone’s actions and without having the full picture it is impossible to understand why someone said or did something. I’ve believed this since the days when my son was labelled as a ‘naughty child’ when he hid under the desks at school, only to discover that he was trying to escape the noise and bustle of the room because it had become too overwhelming for him and leaving the room would have got him told off. Or when the teacher thought he was being defiant because he’d put his head down on his desk and refused to answer her, when he had gone into his safe bubble to try to avoid a complete meltdown. I always said to his teachers, you need to understand that there is always a valid reason for his behaviour and he is not simply being naughty or difficult.
I suspect that I triggered something for @Shush this morning. Something they’d perhaps had first hand experience of and certainly felt very strongly about. What they said I do not disagree with but as is always the problem with forums, we don’t ever know the full picture. We only get a snapshot of someone offloading, when we are never able to know the context or relationships between the people involved to be able to make a fully informed response.
I have my reasons for not being able to tell my husband that he upset me. My daughter was there at the time and heard what he said and I leave it up to her to decide whether she felt he was being kind or not. I have never taken sides when it comes to my parents and I would never expect her to either.
Thank you to those of you who continued to message. @Aurelia @Walker @Sunspots @Ixtab @MosesY
It’s taken me until now to be able to formulate a response and assimilate what happened. Perhaps I was in the wrong when I looked for a space to offload my distress and I will need to think more carefully before doing so again. The emotional brain can often lead to more irrational actions. My emotional brain definitely does and has led me to double dose on strong pain meds twice during the day today without giving it a second thought as to what damage it may be doing, but it has finally calmed down and my thinking brain is, for now at least, back in some sort of control.

 

[Walker]

Hi again, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better this evening and that things are more in your control now. I hope it continues.

 

[Sunspots]

Perhaps I was in the wrong when I looked for a space to offload my distress

This is exactly what this place is for. Please know that we will always be here for you okay?

 

[Ixtab]

I’ve been on here a few months everyone is very conscientious to the fact that the community is sensitive in such a way that we have to post in a supportive way, or not at all. Lots of times if I disagree or have nothing to offer I just scroll on. Some of the stuff here I feel bad it’s actually happening to people and too upsetting for me to read to the end. Sometimes all you say is, “That sucks but you have friends here who will listen.” We might not know what to do but no one really does.