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One small step till I fall out of a hole I can't get myself out of

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Nihilist94, Aug 21, 2012.

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  1. Nihilist94

    Nihilist94 New Member

    So here I am, 18 years old randomly searching for a "suicide forum" an hour ago.

    Bit of backstory, not that I'm sure anyone will really care or make a difference...

    Quite simply I'm lonely. To the point however that's it's either going to make me mad or I'm going to kill myself, probably as soon as I get paid at the end of this month. Can't buy a <edit - mthods> without money, ha :L

    So basically, I've been feeling the same since I was 13. When I was 15 I started cutting my forearms like mad. I cut so deep the scars are still there. I'm the type of guy that loves to drink booze, I used to smoke cigarettes and I did weed occasionally in boredom. Thing is, I really don't have any meaningful relationships, at all! My dad used the kick the shit out of mainly me, sometimes my mum and my two brothers. Until my mum left him when I was 9, I was alright I guess because it turned out my mum is the biggest dickhead going. To the point that last week she pulled out a knife on me, so I spat in her face and told her to stab me which she didn't do. This was another another bullshit argument which escalated. I had fights with her boyfriend when I was younger, but nowadays he doesn't do anything because I hit back harder than he does. My brothers, well, I didn't see them for two years till they were kicked out of their house and moved back in with us. They don't speak to me, because they hate me. My extended family who I was once close too also hate me, because I made have said I was an atheist and when they were chatting crap about my dick mum when I was too gullible to see what she really was.

    I missed a year and [quite] a bit of two years of secondary school (I live in England) - Year 9, Year 10 and most of Year 11. I did my GCSEs through the skin of my teeth. Social services got into, I got arrested a few times and I was living like a NEET for two years doing nothing but read books, and going to media-workshops. I got into college, I ended up winning an award. I'm doing a film for the NHS and a production company and right now I'm working for a post-production subtitling company because of the girl who's literally my only real friend ever in my entire 18 years got me the job through her mum.

    So now let me explain why I'm so depressed...

    There's absolutely nothing in my life that feels like it matters anymore. I'm completely apathetic to everything. I smoked cigarettes and drank instead of cutting myself, but now that's not enough. I spent over a grand in two months on new clothes (my money, family is poor) but it's ironic really, I never get invited out. Any relationship I did have has all but ended. And the girl who's my bestfriend is the girl I'm in love with but I can never get with her, because she likes hench guys. So I started going gym and instead of getting any stronger my asthma flared up for the first time in ten years and I passed out while walking home. Went to a hospital and nobody gave a shit. Then I had another infection after another - and another. And nobody really cares. I've been excluded from every social group.

    And that's just it really. I must be the biggest asshole in the world because nobody cares at all about me. For the entire last summer I went outside twice - that was 10 weeks. This year, it's been different. I've been working. But at work, people's lives just depress me because is that all there is really? There's no point to anything.

    The point of all that information is, that two years ago I was so hopeful that I gave it one last chance for living life but now I can't anymore... There's nothing left in the tank. There's no one I can talk to and there's no one who can change my feelings. I feel like shit. In fact I probably look like shit. I have no confidence anymore and no real will.

    So that's it basically, all I really care about is doing it right the first time because if I live and lose the use in <edit refers to method> I feel even more disgusting and inept.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2012
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry things have been difficult for you but I am glad you came here to look for support. The self harm is a common topic here unfortunately , but it may be helpful for you to read through that forum and understand that many many people face the same struggle.

    It is hard when you are in love with your best friend and thay simply do not see you in a romantic way. Except for telling you to try to be appreciative of what she does offer to you (which is clearly important to you) I am not sure what else to offer.

    Family is not chosen unfortunately, but rather luck of the draw. Many of us have felt the need to simply move on and leave them to themselves, as I have had to do, with very very little contact in the last 25 years or so. You are now 18 so it may be an option for you- move on in a new direction and do not spend energy worrying about the old.

    Your efforts at gym and socializing will eventually pay off. I can't say when or how long, but I am confident that it will come about and that will help ease the loneliness. Perhaps being here and talking to like minded people of similar circumstance will help as well. One of my favorite quotes is "Success is not a goal but a byproduct of trying"

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. Nihilist94

    Nihilist94 New Member

    Thank you for the reply mate, and it's an honest one at that!

    I can only hope it does pay off... I just wish it came along sooner though... 25 years with little contact with family? That's something I'm totally up for with my life. If you don't mind me asking, how come you've had so little contact? But I do definitely need to stop worrying [about the old] - I'm stressing myself out so much I'm ruining everything I built up with complete and utter procrastination. Doing nothing but sitting in bed on my computer. It's a waste of time...

    I do love that quote though!!! I'm going to be a successful novelist if I manage to make myself live long enough to become famous.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I really believe it will pay dividends given time.

    My teen years were not particularly a happy time and I left home literally the morning after my last day of school, not even waiting for graduation. I moved several hundred miles away and have never been back really, After the first few years even the christmas and birthday calls stopped, and I am not overly disappointed about any of it. We all have our specific reasons for such actions, but if it does not work I am not much of one for holding on to something.

    I hope the writing works out for you - try to focus some of your energy into that whether it be a short story, novel, or just random thoughts while thinking of something to write- will help keep the goal in mind and is a productive way to pass a little time each day.

    Feel free to private message me anytime if you just want to get something off your chest or continue to post here, it can help.
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