One Song, and I'm Back...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Jan 15, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I was going through my playlist to find a good song for writing on a short story... there's 3000+ songs on the list and somehow one song that shouldn't be there was hiding among them. I just froze completely. I started shivering but couldn't move and I felt a physical pressure... I felt like I was choking.

    A bit of backstory...
    I was raped when I was 13 by a mildly retarded young man, I was a virgin (despite being molested at 4 and being put through sexual harassment several times in school because I developed too early)... and I had some unrealistic idea that I wanted to save my virginity for my future husband...

    Other 13 year old girls talked about sex all the time and what they had done with what boy... and I always found it so gross.

    My rapist didn't care... and his retardation was no excuse. He had planned to have sex with me; I just don't think he had planned on me not being into it. He was very violent with me and I even stopped fighting... in the end I just started begging him not to make me pregnant at least.

    I was supposed to sleep at his house (well his foster parents house) that night but I managed to wipe my tears and get my clothes in order and tell his foster mum I was a bit homesick so she had my mum pick me up.
    I spent ages picking hairs out of my mouth in the bathroom at home, one of his hairs had gotten stuck in my throat. My mum who didn't know anything had happened was yelling at me to hurry up... she always got mad if I took too long in the bathroom.

    I hid it for so long. I went to school, I did my homework... while I was genuinely scared he had gotten me pregnant. I'd wake up sweaty at night dreaming about either what he did, or that I was pregnant or had a miscarriage in the bathroom.

    I didn't want anyone to know... I even told the young man after it happened to not tell anyone what 'we' did.

    I started waking up at night feeling his hands on my arms, hearing his breathing... and I would try to stay awake for as long as possible... I was so scared of falling asleep and having to relive that night.
    And I would lie, I'd tell teachers I had tried to stay up to watch some TV show if I fell asleep during classes...

    And I started cutting... I felt like it was the only thing that could take the pressure away, I could 'cut away' the feeling of his horrible sweaty hands. And now my arm is so full of scars and people always have to ask... and all I can do is shrug and say "I was a silly teenager" (also denying the fact that I still sometimes do it)

    To make matters worse, even after I finally broke down at 16 and told my mother she blamed me, and reminded me not to tell anyone what happened; for his sake! And she still forced me to go to events where he would be... she still randomly keeps me updated about what he's doing with his life.

    Everytime I see him or even hear about him I get like this... like I am right now...

    And it's just a song!

    Britney Spears' 'Everytime'... I would listen to it on repeat back then... it was the soundtrack to my breakdowns.

    I have never told my friends about it. My LDR boyfriend is the only one who really knows (I told him a lot of my story shortly after we met because I wanted to scare him away)...
    Last year I reached out to get therapy, I've been in therapy before but never opened up about this issue... the therapist I had the preliminary talk with briefly told me that maybe the abuse wasn't 'that important to work on'... I am still waiting to actually get therapy, I've been on a waiting list since June.

    Half of my life has passed... and I can still react like this. Grrr. I guess I have to accept somehow that it will never change.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun,

    I am so sorry for all you have been through, he is a sick, sick individual and what happened does not reflect on you as a person but speaks volumes about him. You didn't deserve what happened and you shouldn't still be punishing yourself (I know you can't help it). Is your LDR helping the situation at all or do ye not speak about the event? Ugh! This ''man'' deserves to be punished by the justice system, would you report it to the authorities? It could stop him from doing it to someone else or someone else might come forward too. The way you describe what happened, I can actually feel your pain hun, I am so sorry. I hope talking about it here to us has helped some bit. He is worthless, a pathetic excuse for a ''man''. I hope he rots! Good on you for speaking up here. Your mom shouldn't have brushed it away like she did, that was not the right thing to do but hey no one is perfect ((hugs))

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  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I just can't make myself go through reporting him. I have thought about it; I really have. But I'm just not ready to be questioned about all sorts of things... and I can't prove a thing now. And no one can back up my story either...

    I learned later he was deemed dangerous, even back then... by law he was no allowed to be alone with anyone. But his foster mum thought he was so calm around me... he has beaten some caretakers and wrecked rooms and stuff... but yeah... she thought it would be safe to put me in his bedroom while she stayed downstairs.

    I just feel dirty... (having been forced to prostitute myself a few years back doesn't help that either) I feel like I've been hollowed out. I tried to explain it to my boyfriend; that I somehow feel like all those that abused me and used me have filled my hollow insides with some gross black goo... and I am genuinely scared it will contaminate others...

    We don't talk that much about it though... he gets so upset... but I have told him in details what happened... it was hard. But in a way it felt like a bit of weight lifted off my chest. If I'm upset about this I can just tell him I'm upset about what happened when I was 13... and he knows.
    He also told me he's happy that he knows... when we get together he will understand why I might shy away from touch or get weird about intimacy... though I still worry I'll hurt his feelings if I can't...

    I just feel like things like this turns me into a little girl... helpless and scared. I can't help feeling like my life got stolen away... not only by him and his actions... but because of how I reacted and how I tried to survive alone. I did all the wrong things... I cut... I overused medicine to numb myself... sleep deprivation... and later turning to horrible men... because I thought that was all I was worth...

    My Boyfriend is the only man who ever truly treated me well.

    Any... my mum... ugh. my mum was abusive both physically and mentally. She never even once showed me love... when I also asked her if my memories of being molested at 4 could be true she just nodded and said she had caught the guy, just told him that was not a good idea... and never limited his access to me. Just like she didn't with my rapist... not even a year after, at his Birthday party he cornered me in the bathroom and almost got to do it a second time before we were interrupted.
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