One step forward, eight steps back.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Hayley, Apr 5, 2012.

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  1. Hayley

    Hayley Active Member

    To those who read my last post about my suicide attempt in February, and to those who replied or sent me messages, thank you so much.
    Some days it's so hard to reply to anything, and all I can do is read the kind words and take it in, until I feel stronger enough to put my words together in response. So, if ever I don't reply, I will eventually. :)

    I feel really sad today. I have a blog, but ever since my overdose I haven't been able to blog anything, or I haven't attempted to. (if you're curious my blog is It's mostly humour and silly drawings, and I really miss that part of my personality. I seem to swing from one crisis that triggers me into meltdown to another, with periods of fatigue and hiding in my bed or feeling giggley and happy for no reason in between until the next crisis. I hadn't left my house since the overdose until last week; my Dad drove me to the corner shop because we needed to buy bread and I decided to try. I had a panic attack in the car very briefly, and then I was fine until I saw a bunch of guys my age come in the shop.

    My anxiety is out of control. It's odd to think I spent New Year's Eve at a party at a friend's house I'd never been to before. I mean, the whole party I was uncomfortable and on the verge of being sick a couple times, but I did actually enjoy myself in the company of quite few people. Right now, I find people unbearable and I panic about panicking. My best friend keeps teasing me slightly and saying he'd like to interact in REAL life instead of skyping, but I keep making excuses (even though he knows what I've been through, so I don't really need to make excuses.) out of guilt and shame.

    I really was set back by getting beaten up several months ago. I was doing fine and I was out with a friend until she had to pick up another friend and left me behind at the pub. But I was happy to be left behind, because I'd been there before and I was in the company of a few of my friend's friends, who seemed okay. And then I noticed some people from my old school who used to bully me SEVERELY (caps lock doesn't do it justice, trust me.) were at the same pub, but I wasn't really worried, I was just aware of them. And then a group approached me and started shouting things and pushing me, until I pushed back and said how pathetic it was they hadn't matured since school (not clever). And then someone grabbed my hair, and someone grabbed my arms. Someone slapped me, someone spat at me, someone kicked me, and someone tried to put their hand down my leggings. I fought and smacked their hands away as best as I could without crying from humiliation and fear.

    I tried calling for help, and the bar staff did come towards us, but they made all of us leave, thinking I too was a trouble maker. When I approached a staff member and said I'd been attacked and could they help me, they just told me I had to leave. And so, I was forced to wait outside with the people who'd just assaulted me. I wandered off into the car pack of the pub while they were distracted and hid behind a car while I called my friend to pick me up. Unfortunately, the world is clearly against me and the car lights lit up and someone got out to shout at me to move, drawing attention from the bullies. I moved and stood around shaking, and when a drunk girl fell over and distracted the bullies once again, I quickly climbed over a fence, cut up my legs and fell into a garden and hid.

    My phone eventually rang and my friend was trying to find me, so I had to climb out again and the bullies leered at me, laughing at how pathetic I was and I got in the car and just started crying. I was so ashamed.

    I was so badly bullied at school, and after I left and went to college, I thought everything was going to be okay, as I'd get my A levels and go to university, move away. But I had to drop out of college after I had a breakdown (no doubt brought on after I experienced an abusive relationship and the fall out from breaking up with a toxic person who turns your friend against you and plays the victim.) so since January 2011, I have been living at home, unemployed and pathetic. I no longer go out, and I haven't seen most of my friends in months, and some for about half a year. I'd have them over my house, but my mother is so overbearing, it would be the last bit of my privacy to go. You don't get much privacy after you have a breakdown, and you get even less after a suicide attempt.

    I'm so miserable, and I'm upset that four years after school, the bullies are still able to get to me and bring me down. I always thought I'd end up on karma's good end and they would get their comeuppance, that I would get to university and all those years of being called a nerd would come to fruition and MEAN SOMETHING. But instead, the bullies get to university and as always I'm the loser.

    Why do bad people always hurt good people and get away with it?
    What have I done, that warrants all this suffering?
    Nobody deserves to suffer (except bullies), but I feel like screaming "why me?"

    Only a month or so after my first suicide attempt, and I thought I would be in a better place by now. I've already started planning my second attempt. Although I drank a small bit of bleach the other night after a panic attack, but I stopped before I swallowed more than a mouthful. So so so stupid. My throats still sore and my stomachs still upset. And yet my feelings are more hurt than anything. I was doing better again and now I've been knocked down again.

    One of my old school bullies friend requested me on facebook yesterday, I can't believe how delusional some people can be. Do they just forget burning my hair, throwing gum in it, beating me up, stealing my money and all the other horrible things? Or do they pretend they've forgotten and think that's okay?

    I didn't accept. I haven't forgiven nor forgotten.

    The only thing I've got right now is my cat, my laptop and an appointment to be assessed at The Priory on Friday at 3.30pm. And I've only got the last one, because I'm paying £250 for it, since I've been on a waiting list for CBT for 18 months without any treatment, besides anti depressants which made me so sick I ended up in hospital. I hope I make it to this place on Friday. I haven't left the house for longer than an hour or further than a mile for several months now, and this place is about 40 minutes away by car. I might get a panic attack and die :\

    Another long post - sorry - this is how I heal.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Oh honey Hayley sorry to have read about your run ins with bullies - its the worst kind of abuse - well, one of the worst, as "words can crush things that are unseen" and bring to zero your self-esteem, etc. Life truly does seem to be very unfair indeed, why bad things happen to good people. It seems that the world is geared to rewarding the "powerful" (or perceived as powerful) - and cowards use bullying to get this - like pack animals. When there's many of them against one - it's a horrible situation to be in.

    But, you don't have to listen to their lies or think there is any truth in what they said. I hope those who see you at The Priory will listen long and hard to everything you tell them - best to hold nothing back for fear of making the wrong impression, etc. Meanwhile, SF is here for you to get some support. I hope it all goes well for you Hayley - have you tried journalling at all? I can PM you a method that was given to me by a counsellor - and I know it works to clear the head.
    Blessings and strength,
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    First of all, I have to say I really enjoyed reading your blog! It's fun and cute, and informative to boot. You may not feel creative now, but that will return with time. I often feel that I have no creativity left, but I see sparks of it every now and then. It can be clouded by bad feelings, but it won't always be that way.

    I often have feelings of panic too, especially in new situations or around new people. I wish I could give advice on that point, but I'm struggling with it as well. I'm so sorry to hear about those awful people bullying you, and that's just terrible that no one would help you. I would have helped you if I was there. I've been bullied too and it can hurt you really deeply. I don't know why they would friend request you, obviously they must be pretty dense. Just keep ignoring any requests they send your way.

    I don't know why people get away with hurting others...I believe in karma, and sometimes bad people get it in the end. You haven't done anything to warrant this seem like a very kind and caring person. I often wonder why bad things happen to me, no matter how nice I am to people. I think they do it because we're soft hearted and know it will affect us. They know they can pick on us because we are "weaker", but they are just hateful people.

    I'm glad that you did spit up the bleach, and I hope you won't try to hurt yourself again. That's good that you are getting help and it may seem scary, but you will feel better afterwards. I hope things go well for you and please keep us updated.
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