One step forward, two steps back.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by riz, Sep 29, 2009.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    "One step forward, two steps back."

    That's exactly how I feel about my life. Every time I get ahead, I feel like something terrible happens to throw me back a few steps. I don't get the chance to appreciate the good things either. It's like the bad news over laps it every time...

    So I made a big step backward today. A lot of things have been throwing me down the deep end lately. I couldn't handle it all. I fell right back into old habits. The last time I used SI, it was October 23, 2008. It's the longest I've gone without hurting myself. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was either another scar, or the end of my life....and I guess I just decided to take a little off the top, to say it nicely.

    So now I don't know how to feel. I'm not exactly too upset about doing what I did. It's been so normal to me in my life, that it feels like I should have been doing it the whole time. Maybe I would have been able to handle stress better in my own way. I don't know. All I know is that the book I'm reading has really helped me find my reasons. A Bright Red Scream by: Marilee Strong. I would recommend it to anyone dealing with SI or anyone wanting to be better informed.

    One of the girls she writes about tells a story of how she has the urge to hurt herself just to be able to take care of it and watch it heal. Unfortunately, that's my way of handling my pain, but now that I can attach meaning for myself to that, it's so much easier to manage it.

    All I can say is I'm fighting for now. I've been suicidal for quite some time, so it's taking all of my energy just to hold on. But I guess I'm still holding on, so that says something....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are very strong and cutting well sometimes that happens you slip back into it. The thing is now you have to say just that slip up move on if you can. I am glad you have been able to fight the suicidal urges and i hope if there comes a time it gets too hard you can reach out for support. Here and by calling for help crisis team friends doctor whoever. You don't need to do this on your own okay there are people who care we care
  3. elleanne

    elleanne Well-Known Member

    That`s almost a year you`ve gone without SI. You cut today, just to keep yourself going. It`s a survival method for some.
    Yeah, I`ve read that book (loaned it to my counsellor,lol).
    It`s good that you recognise what the root of these feelings is. It says a lot that you`re willing to keep up the fight.
  4. riz

    riz Senior Member

    Thank you elleanne. I am still fighting. I'm not sure if I'm fighting out of habit but it's getting harder than it used to be just to keep going.

    That book is almost helping. I picked it up at a library a couple years ago, but I just bought myself a copy. I'm starting to recognize the root of my problems, but I'm starting to come to terms with it never really ending...I don't know.

    I just know that I'm going to try to forgive myself for giving up and maybe I can start the process again. It's such a hard road though....I'm not looking forward to it. :(
  5. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i would agree that song is my life right now.

    i went two years without si. march 29, 2007 to this past june. i feel like all that time is down the drain. you just gotta keep fighting the urges. it's super hard i know, but without it we'll all be nothing.

    if you ever need to talk, my pm box is always open.
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