One Thing I Don't Understand

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MaidenFan, Jan 12, 2010.

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  1. MaidenFan

    MaidenFan Member

    Why is suicide illegal? Not even that but why is everyone so hell bent on preventing people from leaving? Why do people get attached to other people?

    I understand that often times people who commit suicide have done so when in an abnormal state of mind. They don't truly want to die they're just having a mental or emotional breakdown or whatever.

    But what about those cases where the individual is in their right state of mind and after thoroughly thinking the situation through has decided to die?

    I think people should be free to decide if they want to live or not. Personally, I don't want to live. For the vast majority of my life (since I was about seven or so, I'm 24 now btw) I haven't been living for myself but for other people. I stay because they want me to stay. Everyone I talk to about this tells me they would be sad if I killed myself, and I don't want to make them sad.

    For me life is a zero-sum game. You come in with nothing and you leave with nothing. Sometimes I feel happy, other times I feel sad, but I NEVER genuinely feel a desire to live. I don't care about money, power, possessions, status, or even love. Emotions happen to me, thoughts happen to me, actions happen through my body. Everything just sort of happens on it's own. I used to desire death, I used to get wrapped up in my emotions, and I even tried unsuccessfully to kill myself. But now I don't even want to kill myself.

    Caught in an apathetic existence I'm forced to play my part to the best of my ability. It's amusing really. It's like watching a boring movie, the only thing that really interests me is how it will end. Maybe one day it will be through suicide maybe not. But every day I live I feel less and less human. It's like I'm melting into the river of existence. It's neither pleasant or unpleasant. I'm losing all sense of self. The image I project is no longer me. I only do it because I have no other choice... except for suicide.

    But these others who believe themselves to be human are attached to me. They care about the image I project. They think I have something to offer them (I don't) and that they have something to offer me (they don't). Maybe I'm just mentally ill. I've never understood what it means to be human and I've never understood what the appeal of living is.

    Self-improvement? To what end? Love? Is there really such a thing? What about society? It seems we've been trying and trying to achieve some kind of utopia, but we'll never be able to get there. The only thing I like about life (besides the ending, but that's just simple curiosity) is the mystical experiences. I've been blessed with many, both sober and under the influence of psychedelic drugs. Both are amazing, much better than an orgasm. But still they are as ephemeral as everything else. And just like everything else they can get old.

    And they certainly don't outweigh the billions of scared children running around killing each other, hating each other, forcing this, prohibiting that. Humanity really is a race of children without the slightest clue of where we are, who we are, or what we are doing. The amount of physical and emotional trauma we WILLINGLY inflict upon each other and ourselves is mind boggling. Look around you, yes there is beauty everywhere, I'm awed by it almost daily, but there is also massive delusional insanity.

    If you're curious I can go into the details of it's insanity, but I don't need to. All you have to do is turn on the tv right now and odds are you will see exactly what I'm talking about if you can view it objectively. Violent delusion is the name of the game and almost everyone seems to be caught up in it.

    Love it or hate it (I seem to be trapped in between the two) on some level I'm here. I'm pretending right with everyone. This giant rant is me pretending. Or is it something else entirely? All I can do is rant like this. My thoughts oscillate between this type of monologue and the constant question of when it will end. Sometimes I let the mask slip and boy do people get angry when I'm honest. But mostly I can keep up a straight face. Yes sir, no mam. Oh my God that IS disgusting! I'm outraged, no really, I am. I love you baby, with all of my heart....

    ... if only I had one.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have felt so estranged, as you have I was a player in my own life, with no real investment...the apathy I felt was another part of my depression that poisoned my life...I hope you find some aspect of your 'truer' self to hold on is worth looking for...big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The thing is no one is in their right mind if they are thinking about killing themselves,period. These thoughts are from depression clouding all rational thinking so no no one is in their right mind they are tricked to believing they are.
  4. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I can relate to you on some level. I don't want to kill myself, but I have thought about life and death. I relate. I think a lot of people can.

    I think when you throw all the cards of life down on the floor, and resign yourself to the seat, you can admit that we really don't know the answers to life, we really don't know where we come from, and we really don't know what to do. The best of us carry on despite this. Some say it's unknowable. But I think the two go together. Either way, we're no more or less clueless than we were yesterday. Everything is so relative. We make new questions just as fast as we answer old ones.

    Consider yourself my friend. You don't even have to know me. I'm confident that a good chunk of what makes you you also exists in me. We kind of already know eachother. Lately I've been thinking odd thoughts. For example, I've thought that the death of any single person is only a midly sad thought. Why is that? Because each of us is in everyone else. The essence of being, of the human character, exists in each of those that still live. All of the dead and gone are still here, but they're buried in all of the mystery and tangled chemistry. We all have distinct names, and use these names to carry on, but in reality, we're the same person, just in different circumstances. This thought, or string of thoughts, has accompanied the death of a relative and the deaths of everyone else that has crossed my mind. Call it my way of dealing with so much death. At first I felt immense sadness that so much of what we're passes away. All of the memories and moments. But then I got to thinking about how we're all so much more alike than we're different. It's easy to fixate on small differences, but most of those differences are arbitrary and transitory. Circumstantial. Those little differences of ideal, value and culture and so on, do not, in my view, define the human matrix. Instead, the human can be seen in everyone. That's what matters, and that's what will not die. Not until the last human passes, and our species is removed from history.

    In other words, odds are, someone out there is almost exactly like you, in every conceivable way. But that's not the point. Someone doesn't have to be exactly like you to share what it's that makes you human. And that's the larger part of what makes you you. Everything else is the makeup, the clothes, the style, the dirt that has collected over the years. When you remove the clothes, the makeup, and all of the other clutter, you will see a human being that has a lot in common with you.

    This has helped me to come to terms with death. Sometimes I will think about it and get confused and wonder if it really makes any sense. But then the next moment the pieces come together and it does. Then I feel relief. If I or you or someone else were to pass on, there's the satisfaction that whatever i or you or someone else was, that the matrix that represents this still exists in the innumerable people presently alive. The dead exist inside us, not as a memory, but as an intrinsic pattern (is why i use the term matrix).
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2010
  5. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    In essence, I agree with most of what you say.
    Suicide, however, is not illegal because the person can't be prosecuted post-act, lol.... But yeah, why is it taboo? Probably because humans are selfish, they want their own lifes to stay in tact without a care for the other struggling Joe's own personal urges.

    But ultimately it all depends on what perspective you look at it, suicide could be selfish to do as it causes pain to others left behind in most cases. I do think it is love that makes people reluctant to let others go if it is a family member, but it seems the morally right thing to do if it is a randommer, like in this forum. Humans though are relatively selfish and trapped in their own little worlds only caring most for people close to them, that's reason why people ignore other things going around the world like war, but I think this is just human nature.
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