Why is suicide illegal? Not even that but why is everyone so hell bent on preventing people from leaving? Why do people get attached to other people? I understand that often times people who commit suicide have done so when in an abnormal state of mind. They don't truly want to die they're just having a mental or emotional breakdown or whatever. But what about those cases where the individual is in their right state of mind and after thoroughly thinking the situation through has decided to die? I think people should be free to decide if they want to live or not. Personally, I don't want to live. For the vast majority of my life (since I was about seven or so, I'm 24 now btw) I haven't been living for myself but for other people. I stay because they want me to stay. Everyone I talk to about this tells me they would be sad if I killed myself, and I don't want to make them sad. For me life is a zero-sum game. You come in with nothing and you leave with nothing. Sometimes I feel happy, other times I feel sad, but I NEVER genuinely feel a desire to live. I don't care about money, power, possessions, status, or even love. Emotions happen to me, thoughts happen to me, actions happen through my body. Everything just sort of happens on it's own. I used to desire death, I used to get wrapped up in my emotions, and I even tried unsuccessfully to kill myself. But now I don't even want to kill myself. Caught in an apathetic existence I'm forced to play my part to the best of my ability. It's amusing really. It's like watching a boring movie, the only thing that really interests me is how it will end. Maybe one day it will be through suicide maybe not. But every day I live I feel less and less human. It's like I'm melting into the river of existence. It's neither pleasant or unpleasant. I'm losing all sense of self. The image I project is no longer me. I only do it because I have no other choice... except for suicide. But these others who believe themselves to be human are attached to me. They care about the image I project. They think I have something to offer them (I don't) and that they have something to offer me (they don't). Maybe I'm just mentally ill. I've never understood what it means to be human and I've never understood what the appeal of living is. Self-improvement? To what end? Love? Is there really such a thing? What about society? It seems we've been trying and trying to achieve some kind of utopia, but we'll never be able to get there. The only thing I like about life (besides the ending, but that's just simple curiosity) is the mystical experiences. I've been blessed with many, both sober and under the influence of psychedelic drugs. Both are amazing, much better than an orgasm. But still they are as ephemeral as everything else. And just like everything else they can get old. And they certainly don't outweigh the billions of scared children running around killing each other, hating each other, forcing this, prohibiting that. Humanity really is a race of children without the slightest clue of where we are, who we are, or what we are doing. The amount of physical and emotional trauma we WILLINGLY inflict upon each other and ourselves is mind boggling. Look around you, yes there is beauty everywhere, I'm awed by it almost daily, but there is also massive delusional insanity. If you're curious I can go into the details of it's insanity, but I don't need to. All you have to do is turn on the tv right now and odds are you will see exactly what I'm talking about if you can view it objectively. Violent delusion is the name of the game and almost everyone seems to be caught up in it. Love it or hate it (I seem to be trapped in between the two) on some level I'm here. I'm pretending right with everyone. This giant rant is me pretending. Or is it something else entirely? All I can do is rant like this. My thoughts oscillate between this type of monologue and the constant question of when it will end. Sometimes I let the mask slip and boy do people get angry when I'm honest. But mostly I can keep up a straight face. Yes sir, no mam. Oh my God that IS disgusting! I'm outraged, no really, I am. I love you baby, with all of my heart.... ... if only I had one.