One to One With Lyndsey

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Twocky61, Mar 27, 2014.

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  1. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    My support worker from CMHT (Christchurch Mental Health Team) is insisting I talk to her in confidence when I feel the need to self harm or feel suicidal - Trouble is I do not do one to ones; I self harm as a coping mechanism so I am hardly going to confide in anyone, let alone her and anyway as if it will be confidential; she is lying - I have Aspergers and I am unable to hold eye contact with someone I am talking to; I look away as I feel extremely uncomfortable with eye contact as I feel naked as if I am wearing no clothing in front of them, that they can see everything including the scars all over my body which are a result of my self harming - if I am like I am here typing to someone and they are typing back to me (or texting) then that is different - I am able to open up and talk about how I feel and that I feel the intense need to self harm or I feel suicidal which is often on both counts

    She refuses to accept this and she is supposed to be a mental health support worker - I usually tend to be abusive to her as she is not someone I could confide in even if I wanted to


    My psychiatrist she is totally different as I can confide in her totally knowing she will not judge me that she will listen to me and if I tell her and show her I have self harmed she will talk me through it before sending me to the treatment room to treat the wounds and then she will prescribe more valium which the more I take the drowsier I become and whole days are lost to me as I go round in a zombie-like state and forget what I did during those periods

    When I was in the childrens home aged eleven I was on a high dose of valium then which was 1972 and whilst there in this drugged state a male staff member would sexually abyse me and a girl who was same age as me and being bi he was not fussy whether he was abusing her or me so I took far more than my fair share so as to protect here

    Anyway before I take this to an admin delete level I will leave it there

    Now I am on valium again and as I have said above it is quite a high dose; 20mg daily but it does keep me stable
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2014
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Lyndsey phoned yesterday but as her number came up on caller display I sent her call to voicemail - she wants us to meet up for a one-to-one Monday so I have decided the meeting will be on my terms not hers

    Usually we meet at the cafe I work at after we close but I told her tomorrow I will meet at Hartizans cafe on Christchurch High Street where I will buy her lunch so will be a date sort of (not really lol)

    She will insist she pays but I will refuse her offer & I will pay as I know she can't afford it with her mortgage, car, bills etc. I have no real outgoings except with Claire plus I inherited quite a bit (which I like to share, a bit like the Secret Millionaire tv show where a millionaire goes back to his roots and lives on £67 a week Jobseekers allowance and undertakes voluntary work telling the organistations he is participating in a back to work documentary whereas in reallity he is a millionaire participating in the tv show Secret Millionaire) so I have private means & I have actually (maybe foolishly) added Claire as a joint account holder with her own charge & ATM cards - she has yet to screw me financially but seems not to want me for that but will see - Anyway I don't spend much on myself as I have all I need - the only real thing I spend too much money on is alcohol as I need it to cope with life, Claire and to get me throughout the day without self harming though I do still feel suicidal no matter how much I drink but Claire is always there for me for a hug cuddle & kiss and she is more than generous with her body which I so love and enjoy
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2014
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :ladyandthetramp:

    :smileyflower:

    :butterfly8:

    :birthdaycake:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2014
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