One week (don't read this if you are in a sensitive state!)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Hangman, Jan 5, 2010.

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  1. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    So, one week until therapy. One day until school starts again. I need relief, right now, major relief. I’ve been trying to be strong these last few days and not hurt myself, I’ve made it this far but now I can’t take it anymore, it has to be done. The feelings of depression and guilt has steadily crept into my otherwise empty and cold soul; the stress of school work of which I’m way, WAY behind, and struggling to keep my social life somewhat alive is all kicking me down into the dirt. I woke up this morning feeling okay, but suddenly I just plummeted down again deeper than I feel able to cope with.

    Yesterday I was at the movie theater; saw Sherlock Holmes with my brother, his girlfriend and her friend. The movie sucked sheep balls, of which I had heard and was reluctant to go, but my brothers girlfriend talked me into it; her friend didn’t want to be “the third wheel” as we say here, meaning that she’d be single and alone with a couple. So I went, and had a pretty good time, and the girl was friendly and cute. But I didn’t think anything of her in any romantic way because I’ve been unwilling to fall in love again since my last fuckup, or should I say her fuckup(not this girl). But after the movie my brothers gf told me that her friend thought I was cute… the first thought that ran through my head was fuck, fuck fuck fuck. I didn’t mind her thinking so, but I didn’t want to know, because I’m such an idiot that thinks a girl likes me after a simple compliment and fall in love with her. I don’t want to fall in love again, ever! I don’t want to ruin a possible friendship and I don’t want to sink deeper into my black hole of depression from a possible rejection and result in a plunge of my self-esteem, it’s already at a critical level as it is. I don’t want this, and I try to put it out of my mind.

    So, I was just sitting around this evening listening to music and trying not to think about anything at all, just be blank, and kind of failed. So I searched on Google on suicide in my own language (Swedish) just to see what kind of result I’d get, mostly to read about clinics and therapist, just to feel better I guess. The first search result made me almost puke. It was a pro suicide site, calling itself the ultimate suicide guide. I felt so sick and my vision got blurry, but I could not ignore it. I entered the site and browsed fast through it and was shocked over how long and detailed it was. I couldn’t stop reading, looking at the top 15 methods, the planning and mental preparation parts. I felt a red hotness spread in my chest, spreading through my body and lodging into my head. I realized after a minute that it was pure rage, hatred and anger that rose within me, a feeling I rarely host. I can actually not believe that someone had spend hours of his life to make this site, and make suicide seem like a game, or worse; an honorable and totally okay thing to do.
    I can honestly say that if I ever meet this person face to face, I’d have a hard time restraining myself from hurting him badly or simply killing him with my bare hands. How can he do this?????? FUCK! If I’d been in a weak state and really fucked up when I read this, I might have done it, I might have started planning. How can he live with himself knowing that people have killed themselves under his guidance? I want to spit in his face!

    One more week, 7 days to keep on going, I hope I can get some fucking help this time.
    now, my friend is waiting…
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Omg, I've got school in like 3 weeks. Jesus, I don't think I can do ANOTHER year...and I'm ment to go till Grade 12. Sigh. :(
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