Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Feb 14, 2008.
Just to let you know that there are ppl who care...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs
sorry for asking? 7 days for what?
oh no, you didnt watch that tape right?
you must be new...you are clever soul with those cute little responses...pat yourself on the back
no...it can't be helped anymore. i might have thought it could be helped when i was young...but i'm not young anymore and i've tried for many many years to avoid it.
i'm in a no win situation.
i loath myself. i've tried to find help to not loath myself because my self-loathing is too ingrained to fix on my own. but all the people who were supposed to be in the business of helping have only made it worse (over 20 years of trying to find help).
so i can't help myself and i can't find anyone to help. i'm a paradoxical situation where help = danger. so there is no help.
i have patted myself on the back,it was hard, but it felt good.
then try to just laugh, look back at your life life and try to laugh as it was an ironic joke. life is a joke, ironic and full of dark humor, the only way to survive is just enjoy it.
do something positive, anything positive, go to a trip, sail on a boat, take a run in the woods, you have nothing to lose right?
6 days and my lifeless body will be laid out somewhere...and I will finally appease the larger world that has so tirelessly told me I am a mistake.
I hate that you feel this way. I hate that I know the way you feel right now. But I don't hate the fact my time comes in 5 days, because then the pain leaves me for good.
yeah...it would be quite a literal miracle if something came along to change all the pain. i personally don't want to end my life this way, but i'm in a no-win situation.
i wonder what it would have felt like to ever really want to live. i cannot recall a time after i was 8 that i thought life was something i wanted to do...
I hope you don't mind me asking... why was the age of eight so significant to you that you cannot remember a time after that age when life had any meaning for you?
It makes me feel sad that you have missed out on 20 years of your life.
age 8 is when i was first sexually abused...and it only got worse after that.
:hug: healing takes time
It makes me sad to learn that you've not had the support you deserve. Have you had bad experiences with counselling?
What would help you to move on and be at peace with yourself?
Please don't give up hope.
i've been to dozens of counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors....been on medications....tried to make friends, tried to join groups, tried all of this for over 20 years.................
..............and i have not seen healing start.....
...and when i was suicidal, my last counselor cut off therapy and told me to see someone else and when i tried to get understanding, tried to get her to help me understand her reason for cutting off therapy, she had a civil restraining order put against me. yes i did pester her....i was dying, i was in agony (still am) and i needed closure from her and needed her to say it wasn't my fault that she was ending therapy.......but she remained silent. she LITERALLY remained silent. i outright told her that she it seems she would rather me die than help me.........but she still remained silence.....
her silence was an agreement to my belief that she'd rather me die than help me. that may seem like faulty logic......BUT here is where I'm getting my logic from.....The Courts. that counselor put a civil restraining order against me. i could respond to the courts and did...they said I could either show up or "otherwise respond". i responded with documentation, my testimony. months later i found out they never even considered my written testimony...because i wasn't present. that WASN'T what they said the first time: they said I needed "to be present or otherwise respond." But since I didn't show up, it was like I was silent and the document (the same one that said I needed to appear OR otherwise respond) said if you don't respond, your silence is taken to be an agreement to the charges.
so if the courts can use that logic, then i can use the logic with the counselor that she would rather me die than help me, because she didn't respond. I outright told her that statement.
healing takes time....but something should have happened.
if I had any worth to begin with, it shouldn't be this BLEEPIN' hard to find....
i'm tired....i've been looking for a reason to stay alive for over 20 years. ACTIVELY looking, deliberately looking. and it doesn't exist.
and EVEN worse....it is my experience that i make life miserable for all. my mother even said that to me once "You make life miserable!". And if the therapist i was working with (for three years straight) cannot even stand me, so much that she has to run without any explanation or closure....a professional like her leaves because she can't stand me.....what chance do I have with the "average person"? (and again, I've been to many many therapists/doctors etc...and none have helped.) i really THOUGHTS that the most recent therapist was working....that's why i stayed with her for 3 years....but in the end she realized i am beyond help. she even used courts to tell me i'm evil and nearly criminal. i was just asking for help and closure...i was literally BAWLING on the phone, leaving my messages to her. and still she did nothing. and I was hospitalized twice...and still she did nothing. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK.
4 more full days left......
3 days left
Please Ipse, don't do this hun. Try to be strong. Also, are you indian? Dixit sounds like an indian last name. :hug:
American Heritage Dictionary
ip·se dix·it (ĭp'sē dĭk'sĭt)
n. An unsupported assertion, usually by a person of standing; a dictum.
no, i'm caucasian.
part of why it is going to happen is because part of my personality is one that needs to follow through on something i believe in. and i believe very strongly that i need to die. i don't "want" to die....but people don't like going to the dentist to get a cavity drilled. but something you do things you don't like because it is for the greater good...
part (just part) of why it is going to occur is because i've put a lot of effort into this and the way it is set up, when i put this much effort into something i have a strong belief in, i never leave things until they are finished. i have to see it through to the end, my death...
Please don't do this....
i find it rather stupid to decide to kill your self after some qwhack didnt want to do her job and trying to find a reason to live will only really lead your self to thinking there is no reason to live
you obviously dont want to die cause you wouldnt have bother to make a thread about it just stop being foolish and live for your self
spunkmaster...i'll chalk your comments up to not knowing the entire situation. you are right about one thing i don't "want" to die. but that's where things move into the category of you not understanding the entire situation.