One Week Without SI (trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ~Nobody~, Mar 19, 2007.

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  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I should be pleased shouldn't I. I guess, in a way, I am. Slightly fewer scars. But then my thighs are so messed up already that frankly I'm never going to be able to have them out in public anyway. So really, it doesn't matter in the slightest what more I do to them.

    The thing is, I wasn't trying to give up or anything. That's always screwed up in the past, so why bother? But I was so ill last Tuesday, and then I got taken into hospital and had this operation, and I've had so much pain since... It hasn't been necessary. What kind of victory is that? It isn't one. It exhibits no kind of moral strength or anything like that. Mentally speaking, I might as well have been hurting myself every single day. That's how things actually are. Why do we let ourselves be defined by a time-span?

    I hate myself. And I've discovered that you guys here care a lot less about me than you might like to admit. If I died today, no-one here would notice. You wouldn't even wonder where I was. I'm not going to kill myself today, but I'm sitting here on my own now with my bag of tricks. Don't worry, I'm not going for the pills in my drawer, I don't even have the energy. But I'm going to sit here now and cut myself on my scarred-to-fuck thighs until I can't see any more skin. No-one will be home for about an hour and a half. I can have a fucking marvellous time.
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    So, this is an affirmation of how well and truly fucked up fucked over and fucked around I am. I do not feel good. But I feel calm.

    I'm not going to stop. Or it will all start over. I can feel it starting now.
  3. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    Please don't feel like it doesn't matter what you do to yourself...I care about you, and I would definitely notice if you were gone. :hug: :hug: :hug: The response you made to my post in the Dear thread in the Coffee House meant soooo much to me...I wanted to pm you but I have been so stressed and sleep-deprived, I'm not exactly thinking straight and I wasn't sure what to say that wasn't just more of my same pathetic, needy, emotional crap. But I'm here for you...I have to go to a doctor's appointment in a few minutes, but I will pm you later, and you can pm me anytime you want. Please talk to me...I care. :arms:
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Oh hon'... :cry:

  5. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  6. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    ::hug:: I really hope things improve. I don't know what else to say. I do care about you, you care about me. Seems to work, right?
  7. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thank you, both :hug:.

    I just feel so.... I feel dead inside right now. I am so full of hate and anger and it's tearing me up. But since my 'episode' earlier I don't feel like I'm raging. I just feel dead. Not calm in a good way, like I get from the cutting. Just... numb. I've had this before. I don't mean I'm dissociated. I just feel so miserable and don't really care at the same time. I'm not in touch.

    I don't feel alive. I don't know why I let my heart go on beating.
  8. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    :( Owch
    Would doing things that engage your senses help? Like trying to smell different things, feel the shape-touch items, hear music, see pictures, taste mindfully...would any of that help?
  9. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    It's a good idea, and that helps when I'm actually dissociated.

    But this isn't like that. This is different. Sure, the things you mentioned might help wake me up a bit physically, but it's like ... It's like I wouldn't care even if I was in touch. I mean, nothing matters. I'm just uncomfortably numb. Nothing can really touch me. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle of thinking about horrible things, but not really... feeling them. If I felt them then I probably would get dissociated. I...

    Sorry, this is making no sense at all.

    I appreciate you trying to help me :hug:, but I guess I'm something of a lost cause. I don't expect anyone to understand me. God, I feel so alone :sad:.
  10. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    I think I get it.
    It's kind of like you're stuck in yourself and can't get out, so you stay away from the emotions inside you, but it doesn't change the fact you feel trapped in your body, right? Oo. Horrible grammar.
  11. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Actually, that's very much how I feel. There's still something... else. But yes, you pretty much described it there. Certainly better than I did myself! :dry:
  12. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    What's the something else? Maybe if we figure out what it is, we can do something about it.
  13. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I don't know :sad:

    I just want to cut again now. Fucking hell :cry:.
  14. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    You'll get through it. ::Hug:: I'm here for you. Other people here care about you too.
  15. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I care very much about you and did notice when you were gone. you have helped me through some very dark times. you are full of wonderful advice and compassion. I'm not going to tell you not to cut, as I am still cutting. I will tell you that times may seem very dark, but remember that things can and will get better.
    i'll be here, you know that.
  16. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Lalalullaby and dying2die,

    Thank you very much :hug:.

    It really means a lot to me just to have people bother to post and say they care. It makes me feel less alone and less desperate.

    By the way, dying2die, thank you very much for the PM, I've been worried about you :hug:. I'll reply later today :smile:.

    I feel like shit this morning, anyway. Not like last night, so that's something. But I just know this is gonna be a bad day. :dry:

    Pessimist? Me? :eek:hmy:


    :sad: :sad:
  17. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    You've helped me and many other people through times, I know I would notice if you weren't here anymore.. :depressed
  18. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    The day will pass.
    Reminds me of a funny joke my friend told me. I don't remember the names of the characters, but it went something like this:
    Person 1: Are you calling me a liar?
    Person 2: I'm calling you an optimist. Same thing really.

    Hahaha. ^_^ Optimism is helpful though.
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