One Word

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by BelovedDreamer, Dec 3, 2013.

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  1. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    One thing.
    Once a day.
    So today it will be this,
    me and a page.
    We can duke it out
    now that I’m done
    with most of the day’s weight.
    Maybe this keyboard knows
    the question I’m worrying at tonight
    and can help me answer.
    Hello, mind, watcha thinking?
    Have you seen
    my most familiar self
    around lately?
    I keep calling her name,
    poking the carcass
    waiting for a sign of life,
    She’s awfully stubborn
    for one who declares herself dead.
    Ridiculous emo child.
    She’s mad now.
    Well, mad at me
    the waking half,
    she’s always angry
    her only words curses
    and declarations of impossibility,
    so the only difference
    is that she’s madder than normal
    at moi, for my temerity.
    She knows I’m scared, too.
    Like a hound with a scent,
    she bays in pleasure
    and the salt-sick taste of it.
    I can hear the unworded threat
    grinding against the inside of my chest.
    “Watch out,
    I am here.
    Watch your step.
    Don’t try to erase me.
    Without me you aren’t you,
    and if you choose that other self
    I’ll get you before you can root me out.
    ‘Wise mind’
    I am long grown fat and strong
    because I chose the bullet
    swallowed the fear as it swelled
    and learned a new diet.
    I am stronger than you,
    you who have starved for so long
    weak to begin with
    you long ago lost this battle.
    Or maybe I should be more charitable
    It shall be a draw.
    We will both go down together,
    me bloated with despair
    and the memories I hold
    that you might hold the road,
    you, wraithlike,
    name lost and wind tossed,
    with your hands of steel
    from so many years
    struggling to hold onto the wheel.
    it will be beautiful.
    We can be joined
    you and I and all our sundered parts.
    When I reach up from my lovely depths
    and try to wrest the wheel
    from your fingers,
    don’t fight me,
    you never could win anyway,
    and this way it will be both of our choices.
    We can lay her down,
    you can kiss her forehead
    I can lay her out
    with all the scars showing
    and she will need feel no shame.
    You fight me.
    No we yet I guess.
    Remember though
    pretty one
    I can take the wheel
    without notice
    and someday
    maybe definitely
    (go on and test me)
    I will grab it from you
    not for an hour or a day
    but for good.
    And you will be dead as I am dead.
    We can animate this alien
    betraying thing.
    I wonder if they will see the note
    written on the living body
    seven years gone.
    She was such a sweet thing.
    Wonder if they’ll notice the difference.”
    Damn her
    my inner child
    she bled too fiercely
    and swallowed whole
    that thing that stops my brain
    that stops my breath
    “Get your fucking hands off me”
    I wonder if maybe
    if I took her back to trees and barefeet
    and let her run pell mell
    she’d cough it up.
    I’ve tried to tell her
    she can let it go.
    I can face it now.
    She knows I lie.
    But better to rip it
    then peel the bandaid
    so slowly off this vicious wound.
    C’mon my love.
    C’mon little one.
    Let me see.
    I’ve seen bits and pieces before
    and this hulk remembers
    a cold touch
    The words no and stop like a prayer.
    I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
    You didn’t know what you’d done wrong,
    I am old enough to know
    that you’d done nothing.
    Let go the nightmare in its ravening bulk.
    Stop fighting me,
    Stop killing me,
    to shelter me.
    I cannot write out word for word
    the violence within
    but if you would share
    perhaps we could stare it down together.
    Perhaps when I think of myself
    I could remember to use only one pronoun.
    We are not a she and I and they.
    We are not a we.
    We are an I.
    I will not dry drown on this sand
    because I cannot stand the sickness that is in me.
    I did not choose it
    it was thrust upon me.
    I am vast and beautiful as the sky.
    Small and swift limbed as I was born.
    I am grace and the sound of unfettered laughter.
    I cannot die this way.
    I promised the younger me, yes me not she,
    that I would grow and live a million adventures
    and be a healer with a bright voice
    and still run down dirt paths
    barefoot and glad.
    I had a world within me when I was alone
    and it rang with voices
    and a stream ran through it
    and the sun was a warm brush against my skin
    and the clouds were a dance I understood
    and the earth was cool and calm against my feet,
    and alone or surrounded
    I was replete.
    And I still find my way there sometimes
    to sit beneath a tree inside my soul
    where nothing can harm me
    and I can still taste
    at the back of my tongue
    a joy so simple it knew no end
    and a soul indomitable and stubborn as sin.
    I still have myself.
    And if not, what I let be lost
    I will rebuild.
    I’ll put this old odd puzzle back together again.
    Please, let there be enough.
    I want to live my life,
    not just survive it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow hun can i ever relate to your words wow excellent write
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