one year and back where i started

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 3, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    just realized that i've been on the forum now for just over a year by a couple of days

    went back to look at my first posts and realized that nothing has really changed at all since last year - feels like i'm back where i started

    self-appraisal time at work again and it's tearing me up as all i can think about is how i'm failing to live up to expectations, failing to fill the role being asked of me - no different from last year

    mgr should realize what this does to me by now - he's seen it often enough over the last few years - all i get is that i should be able to do this already

    still carrying my tools in my pocket as we speak - i can't work up the strength to leave them somewhere else

    still nowhere at work to collect myself when i fall apart, no one i can talk to

    why am i still doing this to myself? why am i bothering to live like this?

    i hate myself, can't stand looking in the mirror, don't want anyone to even look at me

    nothing has changed, nothing is ever going to change

    can't do this much longer, it just hurts too damn much
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

  3. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  4. ORD

    ORD New Member

    I know how you feel, I've spent the last year and a half of my life struggling to make things get better, and because of all the work I put in they did for a bit, but now one crisis has totally destroyed all that I've strived for and I'm in a same, perhaps worse position than I was to begin with. I wish I could go back and do everything differently.
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    just checked new email

    it's a reminder to complete my self-assessment

    reading it actually caused physical pain


    trying to fight the tears
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    tears waking up - tears on the train

    i don't want to go through this again
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    One of my favourite songs echo...I relate to it so well like you..
    hold on ok...and keep trying hard as it is *hug*
  9. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    hey there. i know exactly how you feel. im only 15, but i have been suffering from depression for2.5 or 3 years now. and every morning i wake up and think, why am i here, what have i done to desereve this and hoplessly walk through the halls of school. but the one thing i always think about that keeps me here is how there are some (if not many) people who love me and would be devistated if i has never failed me . just think about that if you ever get down. please message me if you need somethimg :hug:
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    been dealing with this for 37 years

    after all that time...

    when is it time to give up?
  11. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    you dont. either you go get help, or you find something you truly love and just do it. go find a new vocation, get a job with the field.
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    thought i had found something i loved but the job changed and there is nothing out there in my field - been looking for a while

    and if i haven't found help by now i don't think i'll ever find it
  13. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    i mean im young and it is hard to relate, but for me, when the suicidal thoughts take over, ill just curl up and start writing music. and im sure there is something ot there for you
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    being young is a good thing - you have a lot more flexability, strength, chance for changewhen

    and i'm glad that you are able to find an outlet when things get bad

    i don't have that kind of outlet and i'm not allowed to curl up into a ball no matter how badly i want to - i have to keep working no matter what, have responsibilities that i can't shirk

    i just get crushed and if i dare think of anything getting better i get crushed some more

    yesterday i got letters from my health insurance company that imply that none of us have any coverage this year even though my job is deducting the premiums and says that i'm qualified

    i'm always fighting something and getting nowhere

    i'm being ground to dust which makes a strange kind of sense - ashes to ashes and all that

    i'm sick of working and getting nothing out of it

    i'm sick of constantly battling and coming away with nothing but aches and bruises

    i'm sick to death
  15. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    please for all of us.try to stay. go to therapy or something
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sorry - i don't do therapy - none of it works for me - it just makes it worse
  17. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    yeah it doesnt work for me either. but it does for some
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    getting coffee this morning and someone asked how i was doing - i shrugged and went back to my desk

    then broke completely

    i don't think i'll ever be whole again
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    mgr wants me to create another pointless spreadsheet rehashing things better covered elsewhere

    benefits called me back and said they hope to have the issue resolved by thursday and i can't afford to lay out $400 for my daughter's prescription

    two weeks after antibiotics and i still have something swollen above my knee

    why does everything damned thing have to be A FREAKING BATTLE

    i'm exhausted - i'm tired of fighting

    now i'm riding the train home to an indifferent home

    i don't want to do this any more

  20. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    i know. and all of this is horrible. but think about your daughter. what would happen to her if you did something harsh like this.
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