One year - To the day - To the hour

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by novecento, Sep 14, 2011.

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  1. novecento

    novecento Member

    Sometimes, something happens that you think, that you know, that from thereon, nothing good will ever come, ever. But you're scared, and because hurting is better than feeling nothing at all, you give yourself one more day, another day, another week. And then this pops up that makes leaving there and now impossible, too painful for the others, that you wait, one more day. And time passes, it's all it ever does. And you end up celebrating the first anniversary of something you had sworn yourself you would never celebrate. And now what? Another day? Another week, another year? The absurdity of it all, because you are too much of a coward to do what you set out yourself to do. And you end up hating yourself more than you did before. Time heals nothing at all.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are right hun i hate that saying time heals no it does not heal hun but it gives us time to find new coping skills it gives us time to find somthing someone to hold onto YOur lost someone would that someone want you to harm yourself hun no i think not. i still have the same amount of pain and anquish in my soul it has not lessened but i too now have to hold on as i will not pass on this pain i have to anyone else hun. It just would not be right I do hope you have some help hun some grief therapy to help you cope to help you move forward through the pain . hugs
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and I am sorry you are. What can we do to help you? Perhaps if you explained what happened a year ago that has hurt you so much? Feel free to share here or PM me - it might lighten the burden a little. Please know that I will be thinking of you and hoping that you are feeling better. :hug:
     
  4. novecento

    novecento Member

    We don't pass on pain. Pain comes from within and stays within. It ends only when we end. The fight against pain is a delusion. No-one can fight against him or herself. We cannot improve, better, heal ourself. We can, only relative to others. But never relative to ourself. Believe to the contrary is a logical fallacy. We die the way we are born.
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you are hurting so very much. Just know that people here do care that someone else is hurting. :hug:
     
  6. leftbehind

    leftbehind Member

    You have just described me my life and everything I am! I can completely sympathise with u... Its a vicious circle. You want that burning pain to stop and punish urself for that and then feel too much of a coward to go thru with anything and then punish yourself for that too. My rememberance was 2weeks ago. PM me... Would love to talk x
     
  7. novecento

    novecento Member

    Are you still here? said the man in the mirror. Still trying to tear yourself apart from your shadow? You fool! There is only one way to part with your shadow, you know that. Turn off the light...
     
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You are a very articulate man - and if things were better - maybe we could debate life in a pub - you and I - and obviously being intellectuals we would impress men and women - not that we would be trying to impress - but naturally - people concede interesting people like us are almost a rarity these days!

    You must have read up a lot - like me - the holy books - trying to unravel the mysteries - the books on human behaviour - psychology and so on.

    I read Freud and aged 17 thought the guy was - mad!

    I now realise he was a cocaine user - so sure - he would think we all want to date our own mums - and murder our dad to make us better men. I don't know - Freud - just seems to think everything is sexual - but with cocaine - so did I!

    Took it three times - I confess - but its sh**.

    Anyhow mate - you got an inquisitive mind - but like me its dealing with depression - and THAT is were we fail as good philosophers. Well - I failed - but corrected it - I guess you also - its about your outlook on life - I'm telling you as another guy with depression for 30 years. I'm not some tourist or a 'do-gooder'. I do good - but keep it private - well sometimes its hard to do a good deed and keep it private!

    But - this outlook thing - what you are doing is going through every philosopher and grabbing the darkest quotes - we read books and remember the bad stuff - we TRY to create our own view of the world - but based on our depression - we tend to create a bleak view of the world.

    You are right in that we cannot fight against ourselves. With depression you can live in your own head - you will see territory there that is dark - and with depression we often want to prove to ourselves that life is no good. Not all - but MOST of us actively encourage the thought process leading to depression - we push it - it gains its own momentum and everyone with depression has their own process.

    Well - I fought it - for 30 years - so am telling no lies when I say you can fight it - on your own - but 30 years IS pushing it!

    The problem is - no matter how resourceful you are as an individual - no matter how strong you are - there is a point were you have to share what you feel with people or just one person that matters.

    Since I joined here - I've learnt a lot about depression - and my own strategies whilst fantastic - ought to have included confessing this sh** - as a man - it would be a women - a friend or lover. But - I'm a cautious guy - nobody is getting piece of my soul to mess about with - but at the same hand no need to over cautious. Well I'm 46 and can spot a bad woman a mile off now. How else do you think I lived for 30 years with the blues?

    So - find someone to share with is my best shot.

    I know my nephew does fancy some Goth Girl - and if I was a young man - my dark side would urge me to meet goths - drink whatever - and I'm not sure what they do but - like the song goes....

    "variety is the spice of life
    that's what the judge is going to tell my wife
    He said - why did you have to do it - do the things you do
    I said "I can't resist to try something new"

    Hope some of this helps.

    Got to answer a few PMs and would have said more.

    hope I'm not coming across as some a**hole or something - your an educated guy and can hopefully guess what another guy would tell another guy who had depression.

    Apologies if your not a guy.

    but I think you are.
     
  9. novecento

    novecento Member

    Whilst what we write might reverberate with one another, although I failed to understand why having a truncated second X chromosome or not is relevant, whilst the time in the pit, give a year here or there, may be identical, there is one blatant difference, isn't there? On the one hand, the prevalance of the "I", on the other, the near absence and substitution with "you". I'm not sure what this suggests. But I'm grateful for the time and sincerity put into the reply.
     
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