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One year...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by i_am_not_here, Mar 12, 2006.

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  1. Ok, it's my birthday today. And you know what I've been thinking of whilst showing everyone else a happy face? I've been thinking to myself that I will allow myself 1 year for things to brighten up before I give up.
  2. Sachi

    Sachi Guest

    YAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY i_am_not_here!!! :bday: :hug: I'm sorry to hear that you're not having a good time though! :sad: I hope that things do get much better for you, may this new year mark happy times ahead! Pease, don't give up ok? Hope you're feeling better today!

    Many Blessings,
    Much Love,
  3. Thank you Sachi. No, I am not feeling any better today. I haven't actually felt "any better" for quite a number of years, and I'm sick of it... hence I'm allowing myself 1 more year for things to improve.
  4. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    what do u plan to do to help things improve?
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    happy belated birthday :birthday:

    i think it's a good idea to give yourself time before making any rash decisions.. who knows what will happen in a year.. although, i do agree with bunny.. maybe you need to look at how you could try to improve things in the next year? i know it's easy for me to sit here and say.. and it'll take a lot of hard work.. but it might help and make you feel like life is worth living

    we're here to support you all the way

  6. another me

    another me Guest

    Happy birthday, also belatedly! Hope it was ok.

  7. Baby steps. I have tried opening up just a tiny bit to some of my "friends". F'rinstance, I told one young lady on Friday (more about Friday later) that no-one really knows me, that all I ever let anyone see is this façade.
    Hope so, cos there's really only one alternative to a life that's not worth living.
    Not really. I went out on on Friday on the beer with these people that I go to gigs with - I would call them "friends", but they don't really know me. They're really great people and I love them dearly, but they really don't know me at all - because I only ever let them see the me-in-a-mask. What I really wanted to do was find a quiet, dark corner and bawl my eyes out. What I did do was put on the same old smiley face and let everyone think I'm really happy.
  8. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    There's always more than one alternative. You`re already taking steps towards it, with people you care about, just please remember that this goal is worth facing and conquering any fear you have about obtaining it.
  9. Yeah... 3 choices really. Life that isn't worth living makes a change for the better. You die. You continue living a lie and consider dying every day.
  10. Ok, so it's now 13/05/06. That's 2 months down and 10 left to go. Much and all as I have been trying, nothing is getting any better.
  11. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    i think that the baby steps is a good idea... that is all you can do really... and try to hang on to the times when things are not so bad... talking and expressing your ture feelings is a good start... at least you can relieve some stress of feeling like you can not be yourself
  12. Yeah, baby steps... pah! To be honest, although I promised I'd give it a year, I don't think I'm gonna make it the full 12 months. If I don't, well, it'll be for the best.
  13. Well, it's now just over 3 months. That's 25% of the way through. Guess what?! I've found a new low. I thought previously that I had hit rock bottom... I guess I was wrong. I think I'm just about ready to give up now. I've tried the "baby steps" thing, to my detriment. All of my "friends" now just think I'm a whinger and won't talk to me. Indeed, one of them who I thought I was making progress with has kind of stopped having anything to do with me at all. I told her "I have been on the brink of doing something very stupid for a while now", and now she has stopped replying to my emails and mobile-phone texts, and the moment I sign on to MSN she logs out. Yep, I think it's time to bid you all adieu.
  14. ... but of course, I haven't got the guts to do that.

    Now just over 4 months. I don't think I've ever felt as lonely and low as I do now.
  15. Dawntreader

    Dawntreader Guest

    You can look at it like that: You were one person and now change into another. The first person hid behind a mask that made them seem all happy and okay, the second is truthful and - at the moment - sad. It's very seldom that such different people have the same set of friends. If you turn into another person, not all the old friends will be able to cope with it. It mustn't even necessarily be a question of liking or disliking, but simply a matter of how well your friends can cope with the change you are going through.

    It's a painful process, but unavoidable. It's a bit like a fever. Sometimes your illness has to get worse before the fever breaks and you can start to heal.

    I wish you the strength to go through with your change
  16. Well that's really fucking cheered my up. I have only just found these people, my so-called "friends", and now I am to lose them again. You have no idea how much effort it actually took to meet them in person in the first place, all of 12 months ago (ish). Well, it was wasted then, wasn't it.
  17. Dawntreader

    Dawntreader Guest

    I wouldn't say so. Wasn't the fact that you made friends in the first place one of the reasons why you found the strength to face your problems? And I'm not saying they'll all leave you, but they're having to cope with your change too, and not all of them seem to have an easy time with it, one or two might not get over the change, or they'll feel the need to start all over. You gave yourself time, give them some time too.
  18. In a word, no.
  19. Dawntreader

    Dawntreader Guest

    Okay, the first part was speculation.

    What do you think about the other things I said?
  20. I wouldn't say "at the moment" - the person behind the mask has been "sad" for a very, very long time now.
    Any friends would be nice. It would seem that since I have "exposed" my true self to these people, none of them want to know me anymore.
    I'm sorry, but I would have to disagree with this wholesale.
    A nice analogy. However, I have identified part of the reason that I'm so damned depressed all the fucking time is because I have never really had any friends. Now, just as I seem to be making some, they're quite content to just dump me like a piece of crap. I can't really see how this is supposed to help me "heal".
    Can you not wish for me the strength to finally put an end to the pain?
    Yes, I gave myself some time and I every day I reconsider whether it was the right choice. I don't know if time is something I can give these people. It is running out.
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