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One year

I don't know what to do. I have issues with dealing with things properly. I am aware that I don't deal with things properly but my thinking is that my brain knows I can't handle it so it pushes it all deep down inside until I will be able to deal with it.

In a few weeks it will be a year since my ex commited suicide. I know that it wasn't my fault. I know that he must have had other things going on that I (nor anyone apparently) was aware of to do what he did. But it doesn't make me feel any less guilty or crappy. Maybe if I woulnd't have broken up with him I (or someone else) would have realized he was depressed and gotten him help. Maybe he would have confided in me and gotten help. Even if I wasn't the reason why he did what he did, obviously our breakup was the last straw. He commited suicide not 12 hours after I broke up with him.

On the anniversary of his death his mom is holding a memorial at his gravesite for a blessing of the headstone. (I'm not religious so I don't know what that is) but she has invited everyone. I did not recieve a personal invitation that I know of but she sent one to my work to invite everyone who worked with him.

My friends who are going have asked me if I was going and I just don't know. I really do not want to see his mother because it got to the point where I had to have my mother call her to tell her to leave me alone because she was constantly calling me. I know it sounds immature and I am 23 but I just couldn't deal with her calling all the time. Everyone deals with things in different ways and constantly hearing his name and having her ask me what we talked about that night was not working well for me. Like I said above I don't deal with things properly but right now avoidence is working for me. I've gotten better with dealing with his name but seeing and hearing from her brings it all back up and I can't deal with it. I've lost it at work a few times. We have a few pictures of him around and any new people who see the picture see what it is read the poem on it and realize he is no longer here and dont ask but one guy did ask and I lost it.

I want to go but at the same time I don't. I don't want to see or talk to his mom, I don't want to see the look his brother gives me as I know he blames me, I would blame me too. (His brother is the one who found him) I am not religious and I don't believe in god so I do not beleive his soul or whatever religion says is going to be there watching us all. I get that a memorial is a celebration of his life and for everyone to get together and remember him but I don't know if I'll be able to deal with it all. I've been doing a real good job of pretending to be ok and if I go I'm sure this act will break.


Staff Alumni
You have to do what is best for you...this is a difficult decision; if you decide to go maybe it would be best to make sure you have a way to leave early so that you do not feel trapped...I am sure whatever you decide will be the right thing for you...J
I know a year is a long time to process and deal with something but I just feel like I haven't really let myself grieve properly maybe? And I fear that if I go that it is going to break down all these walls I have built around these emotions that I can't or won't deal with.

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