ongoing crisis

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by crazysanegirl, Mar 11, 2009.

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  1. crazysanegirl

    crazysanegirl New Member

    Wrote to three friends tonight. Deleted each email before sent. Could not put the words together. There are no words. I can't speak.

    So I typed suicide forum in google. Landed here.

    I'm not going to off myself tonight, but just needed to, I don't know, type words. I guess this is the better forum than the 'crisis' forum, although as stated in title, I am in crisis, just an extended one.

    Had three attempts when I was younger. As I got older I lost the spontaneity. All attemps where done with no planning. It was just 'ah, I'm sick of this'. That was 14-15 years ago. I never got over it though; the thought of dying has never left my mind. Sure, some days are better than others and some days I'm even happy to be alive. But to review the last, oh, 10 years of my life, 80% of the time the thought has been there. In the last three months, the thought changed. Which brought me here.

    It's not fatalism. I couldn't describe it. It's as though I've come to the realization that it really doesn't get better and now it's just a matter of time. While the thought of the impact suicide has on parents and friends has become the cousin of the thought of death itself, since those attempts, and since I've experienced the effect first hand, that is now subsiding. I think: they might be upset, they might be hurt, but they have no idea how many years I've tried to protect them from being upset and hurt, and I'm just out of energy. I've thought about others all my life and not much about me. Pursuing my own death appears to be the only thing I truly and really would have done for myself. The irony.

    And those past attempts... no research. Pills one time, razor blades another; I forget what I did the last time. I've forgotten most of my life anyway. Now, I have research. I know exactly how and that will be the method I will use should I take that extra step. No, no if. When.

    I wrote to one friend that I had something lodged in my throat - couldn't speak. Told another that I felt as though I was stuck in a box, like a lab rat. No exit. Deleted the emails as I said. Been looking for the exit, been hoping and perservering in believing in the exit. No, there is no exit. I'm 32, I've taken I don't know how many medications, I've seen I don't know how many doctors, and I've been in therapy for the last 9 years. It's not like I haven't tried. It's not like those people who are happy say: you just need to want it. I DO want it, but apparantly I wasn't a deserving enough candidate to win it. Oh, because it IS a prize. Happiness. Those who have it should consider they've won the lottery.

    No one around me really has a clue. That I feel this way, I mean. Suicide is spoken a lot more of now a days than it was when I first attempted. So I don't raise the issue. I don't want to raise suspicions. No, 'ah, I wish I were dead'. No joking about it. No hypothesizing about it. Nothing. If it happened it would be one of those cases where all the friends and family interviewed in the fictional newspiece said 'we never would have thought. She looked so happy.'

    I'm good at the act. Look happy. Laugh. Inside I'm dead.

    I feel like I'm at a dead end. I know the responses will be to keep my head high and that there's hope, that maybe I should talk to some of my closer friends and family about it. The answer to that, I can tell you in advance, is: I'm not interested. I'm not interested in talking about it except here, on an anonymous forum where I don't have to look any of you in the face.

    I figure something is going to happen in the next month. I know myself pretty well. The idea has been brewing too long. Especially now that I've discovered the no-miss method.

    I'm really sad. An empty kind of sadness. A broad sadness. A sadness that has no object. And tomorrow will be another regular work day, like usual. And after tomorrow I'll be sadder. And I'll start taking the steps I need to take to get the things I need. And then, in a few weeks of this sadness and emptyness, and of a lot of alcohol, I'll get too drunk one night and too sad and I'll be that sponteneous 18 year old I was before and it will be done. And it won't make the news and my friends and family will just tell eachother how they didn't have a clue and I looked so happy.

    What the hell is this disease? Why are there so many bright, beautiful, kind, giving people out there that have their own death as a constant thought in the back of their mind?

    Today is day one. No more meds. I'm sick and tired of it all.

    We'll see where that brings me.

    csg
     
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi....welcome to s.f.

    i am sorry for all the pain you have, and all your struggles. i have found, and continue to find, great support here. i hope the same for you.

    the fact that you reached out here is positive, and you need to hold on to that part of you that wanted to get support.
    here we all understand what you are going through, and you can lean on us until you get stronger.
    pm if you want to talk, or just keep posting, read the forums, i hope we can be here for you :hug:
     
  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to sf :welcome:

    I am so sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment :(
    A lot of people here understand how you feel and often experience the same emotions ourselves. It helps to talk :)
    Lea :hug:
     
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Im also sorry for the way you`ve been feeling for such a long time. what can i say that nobody told you before?

    i know u dont want to look for help, that u are tired of feeling like that and that youre sick of taking your meds, because you said it. i dont know if being here would make u change your mind, i deeply inside would love that to happen. But at least all i can say, its that you`ve gotten to a comunity where people wont judge you; where people can relate to the way you feel, and where u can relate to other people`s feelings.
    sometimes we`re just not ready to talk to real life people, because we think they will walk apart, because we are sure they will only suffer, because we dont want to be a burden. But when u have taken a decition like this, it hurts other people more than would hurt them to help you, or to listen to you. It becomes a burden for them the fact of not seeing what should be on plain sight, it hurts them when they realize that u made that decition withouth they didnt help u in times of dispair.
    im not saying u should talk to them, you can start talking to us, to open your heart and take all the anger and sadness out of your chest.. that in the end is what we are were looking for when we searched "suicide" on google. Somewhere to be ourselves and to get people who could understand us and see us the way we really are.

    reaching this forum might be the first step for a recovery, the first step for a good life that may come. You waited for so long to do this, u can wait a little bit more to see what happens...because at the end, death come to us all.

    take care and try to stay safe for a while.
    i hope u are doing ok

    if u wanna talk, my msn and Y!msn are on my profile..add me
     
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