Only a Burden

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mr. E, May 11, 2011.

  1. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    The second to last therapist I had—my favorite therapist to this date—gave up on me six months into our therapy. Once I had made strides towards more lethal methods, she told me that she was afraid that I was going to be the only one of her clients that actually ended their lives. She feared for her career and reputation if my death were to occur (and actually said this to me).

    I have a seriously difficult time trusting people; in my experience, people don’t want to take on the emotional burden of a suicidal friend. They give up or shy away out of discomfort, and even the health professionals aren’t very reliable. I told one of my long-standing friends that I came close to ending my life recently, and all he could say to me was “man, don’t talk about wanting to die like that- I’m sorry you feel bad. I don’t know what else to say.” I haven't even talked to him since, and I don't know how.

    “I don’t know what to say” is the most common phrase I hear, if I hear anything at all. Typically, the response is to simply shy away and not even address the matter. My absolute best friend and I are no longer friends because of this very issue. His discomfort with my suicidality and reluctance to deal with it led to his disappearance from my life—a reality that I was never able to fathom, and have difficulty processing even now. But honestly, who really wants a depressed person in his/her life when that kind of misery just brings everyone down? Even when dealing with those that I meet that can relate to having mental health disorders, I can still see the weariness on their faces when they are confronted with my issues, and I can plainly recognize the burden that I bring into their lives. I am simply not worth it.
     
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    i somewhat feel the same. i've never told someone about my mental situation, because most people my age would laugh, call me an emo, and walk away.

    To me, you therapist sounds like a bitch lol. If i had a therapist like that and she said those things, I would write on my suicide note "AND ITS ALL HER FAULT!" just be stupid lol.

    to be honest, i have no clue how you can really recover from mental illness. From my piont of view it's 80% luck and 20% life situation. Mental illnesses aren't like some kind of physical ailment like a broken leg. This may be a bad example, but it could be comparable to cancer. For some people, chemotherapy/other treatments eventually help them recover. But for others it can be a life-long battle, or it ends up killing them. The good thing about physical injuries is that the doctor gives you some pills, or you get surgery, and BAM - your fine. but with your brain.....it's a completely different story. when your brain is broken, you whole life - every single aspect(no matter what) - is affected.

    are you looking for another therapist?
     
  3. DeaPotens

    DeaPotens Member

    I would never consider that you weren't worth it. I don't mind helping people through issues because knowing someone truly is the only worthwhile way to relate, and how can you do that if you don't know the good with the bad?

    My message box is open if you feel the need to talk. I know I'm a stranger, but I really don't mind hearing about anything.
     
  4. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your support

    @LongRoad, I actually think that's a great example. I feel like there is such a strong distinction drawn between mental illness and physical illness that sometimes people fail to recognize the parallels, especially in your example, with comparing two chronic conditions. I think you're absolutely right- it's transcends a mere condition when it's a mental illness and it becomes your entire state of being.

    Finding another therapist is on my to-do list. I've been uninsured for the past year though, so dealing with anything regarding medical care has been somewhat discouraging.
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Referred by a dear friend, I went to a pdoc, who told me within the first five minutes of our interaction that he would not treat me because he did not want to risk his license...he knew nothing about me, other than my report that I was suicidal...for all he knew, when I left his office, I would XXXXX (I will edit myself)...I left feeling like I wanted to XXXX(edit again)...so I know exactly what you are saying...three months later, I found a doctor who was wise and compassionate, who Rx'd the right medications, and has remained a trusted and valuable resource...you are right that having suicide in the relationship changes how ppl deal with you..I also know this first hand...I wish I had a penny for each time I was told to get over it, to act happy, to know that I would hurt someone, etc...to the point where I feared being myself for so long...now, I feel that anyone who cannot deal with who I am or how I feel is not worth being in my life...so sorry you were treated that way...also, since you are unemployed, are there entitlements, if only temporary, that you can get so that you can continue medical care?...big hugs, J
     
  6. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Wow... I can't believe someone would turn you away after 5 minutes... It's crazy that even professionals can be so afraid to deal with suicidal people. I'm going to be enrolling in graduate school in September, at which point I should have some medical coverage. I'm basically waiting it out and hoping I don't have a critical breakdown before then, but I may see if I can find something sooner if I continue to get worse. Thank you for your post :)

    :hugs:
     
  7. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    I know what you mean, Mr. E.
    As much as I "long" for a deep connection/companionship with a significant other, I often think that I would be a burden as well. As I sort of was with my exes.
    I stopped talking to my friends, too, because I didn't want to always be the "downer".
    As far as finding friends, I hope that once you get to know more people in your field, you'll meet people who understand.
    I know for me, I don't know if this will help, no one is going to get me out of my blackhole, so to speak, so when I am proactive in my ongoing struggle, people are somewhat more comfortable around me.
    But, I've just accepted the fact that friendships are about quality not quantity.
    Hang in there.
     
  8. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your post Supermoon. I hope to find people that will be more accepting of my condition. My field is certainly a great place to find them. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to find a partner who will be able to cope with my depression. I just don't know how someone can deal with that day in and day out. I may get better, but I still fall into periodic cycles of depression. I think this is something I'm going to struggle with for the rest of my life.
     
  9. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    You will find them.
    And, trust me, I hear ya, re: falling into the blackhole.
    Being back on medication has made a world of difference.
    People have their opinions of anti-depressants as I once did (worried I would
    no longer be "me") but I think once you get back on and get back into cognitive behavioral therapy, your outlook will improve.
    For the past 5 years, I've had very casual relationships b/c of this concern.
    I don't know what your religious beliefs are; I consider myself spiritual and keep the hope/faith that there is someone out there who will be right for me.

    And, I remind myself that this is the time where I need to work on myself.
    I know this is easier said than done.
    But, I notice that, for me, when I get involved with people...there's a pattern. And, it's like, "Duh! What am I supposed to learn here??"
    In my "spiritual" mindset, I felt that if I wanted something/someone with whom I could have a deep connection with again, I'd have to "give space" for that, if you know what I mean.
    So, I'm basically a female monk now (haha) focusing on work and getting into grad school. The funny thing is, once I put myself first and start taking care of myself again, I end up meeting someone for long-term. You know, the whole "when you're not looking" scenario.

    I'm not trying to suggest that this formula works for me so it must work for you. I just really relate to what you're feeling/going through.
    I have the same fears, too. I'm in my early 30s, all my friends have kids/husbands/wives (Are they necessarily happier?? Hahaha, NO! But, I'm the odd one for waiting. Go figure.)
    But, like I've learned in therapy, I literally have to sometimes say, "STOP." to that thought coming in and replace it with something more hopeful.

    (H)ave
    (O)nly
    (P)ositive
    (E)xpectations
    - Got that from Reverend Run's tweet, haha. It's a quick/easy "mantra" for me to remember and replace with the usual, "I want to die..." thought that used to pop up all the time.

    YOU ARE WORTH IT!
    People who don't understand...I'm not trying to sound condescending but I really see them as people who are just not on the same level of consciousness. They're not ready, were never exposed to a whole lot, or prefer ignorance because sometimes, it is gosh darn BLISS! Sigh, Hahaha.

    Have a good day :plane: