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Only a matter of months now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tabula Ras, Nov 12, 2013.

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  1. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    It's been a long time since I posted. And this being the second thread I ever created, I think it will be the last of my energy to ever do so again, and it will be accomplished through the current tears running down my face.

    Without a car or much money left I am losing hope along with my apartment. I have applied to many jobs but never receive a response and the one interview I went on did not seem to work out as I never heard anything back.

    Only a matter of months until I will be evicted as money has run dry and there's no where else to go. I am not strong enough to live in homeless shelters or on the streets. Wandering around and attempting to survive in such a situation isn't going to accomplish anything while holding on to some hope that things will change. They won't change and the hope of being given a chance is basically slim to none in this world.

    Fate seems to be dependent on the family one is born into and I was dealt a pretty bad hand. I tried my best as I once obtained my own apartment, but full-time positions were eliminated and becoming a whistleblower with my last part-time job was not smart. The frustrations of having hours constantly cut and worrying about how to survive even with that job was unbearable. I guess the good thing is that the unethical wayward corporation won't be using my energy anymore to obtain their enormous profits as I live out my last days anyway.

    Not sure what I am looking for by posting these words. Just a final desperate attempt at something as there's not much else I can do anymore.

    If you all can survive in the comforts of your own homes, have enough to eat, and not have to worry constantly about losing it all, consider yourself very lucky in life. Things can be pretty horrible for most as it is obvious on these forums, but maybe a lot can read what I am dealing with and understand that unless you're going to be living on the streets, in homeless shelters, or of course have a terminal illness, life is not that bad and you can still enjoy whatever there is to desire.

    Loneliness is quite a pain as one can understand. Imagine being lonely along with the knowledge that you will no longer have that security of shelter and survivability.

    I am terrified and constantly in tears now days. I remember being happy as I once was, but everything has turned to complete suffering and sorrow.

    Life is too difficult and I understand I was not fit or born into a family which could properly prepare myself for this world. Never had a license, a car, or even opportunities to go to school.

    The biggest shame is being physical fit while willing and capable of working hard full-time or even longer as I cannot find anyone who's willing to hire.

    My last conversation with my mother resulted in the reminder of homeless shelters, but I cannot cope with that type of life. The ultimate end is a strong possibility as it can be quick and painless, so I should be at least grateful for that.

    Living in a world that doesn't really care along with strings being attached to every piece of kindness and compassion is too hard to stomach anymore. The pain is quite overbearing and not even the tears can wash that away anymore.

    This thread might be the last essence of the being that is me in this world. I strongly wish that things were meant to be as there could be a purpose and destiny that we all have and must fulfill, but it seems like a giant universe that consists of random cosmic probabilities and we should all be so lucky to have at least the ability to survive.

    I cannot endure this at all. Hope has diminished and despair completely resides.

    I understand most are fearful to respond or afraid of saying the wrong thing. In regards to myself and this thread, I hope everyone understands there's nothing that could make me feel worse or trigger anything horrible just by going over comments or anything. At this point in time I could accept opinions or compassion in all forms as there's nothing else in my life.

    Everything truly hurts. Nothing can be enjoyed anymore. Only a matter of months.
  2. helloworld29

    helloworld29 Member

    Can I ask where you're from? (country?)
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear your desperation and you are well educated when it comes to writing. You state very well your concerns your predicament and i am sorry you are where you are.
    You still have time to continue to try to get a job there are many of us here though that understand getting a job is very hard. I put out hundreds of resume finally got a job only to have it taken away the day i was to start. Shit happens right. Even if you have to take a job below what you are use to take it ok at a fast food chain doing yard work anything
    until you can get something else. Do volunteer work sometimes that leads you to an opening to another job Hope soon you can get good news and i am sure your mother will take you in if you ask her to and explain to her how low you are Hugs to you
  4. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I appreciate the responses. Anything is better than nothing. I am in San Antonio, Texas USA to those that asked or wondered.

    I understand I have time to get a job still. My last application was a couple days ago for a full-time position washing dishes at a pancake restaurant.

    The sad fact is that what I am applying for are menial part time positions that I am not receiving a response from, which includes fast food, janitorial, dishwashing, and of course grounds keeping. I thought for certain once a restaurant states that they are hiring for such menial positions as dishwashing and bussers I thought it would be easy to get as physical labor is something I am incredible at as well as enjoy. I don't mind being on the bottom of the barrel in a sense, but just to survive seems too much to ask for in this world.

    I can't really find volunteer work nor would I know where to start looking.

    In regards to my mother, I was born into a pretty broke family. She lives with her boyfriend in a small apartment and this is not something which is an option in order to take me in. I am 28 years old now and it's kind of a too bad so sad situation now, thus her response of telling me to look into homeless shelters.

    There is hope left I suppose. The job search has been going on for over 6 months now with money constantly depleting of course. Food stamps have helped, but I am at the point in the year where I have to renew which means I didn't receive money for food stamps this month and probably won't next month until they review my renewal and process everything. That means what little money that is saved has to go to food now.

    Ultimately I thank you for your kind words as well. It is a nice thing to experience in a world that seems pretty cruel.

    Life is hard and my worth and purpose doesn't seem to be very valid to contribute to anything anymore. Seems like this country is set and content with the way things are and continue to head as the wealthy are comfortable along with their children and the poverty stricken such as myself won't be missed.

    So much that hurts as I think about the simple comforts of life and things that I used to enjoy that will be gone when things become even worse or even when existence ceases. But at least when I cease to exist I hope there's no afterlife of feeling regret, sorrow, and the pain of missing everything. We all have to go at some point and nothing is going to stop that. Whether it is now or then I guess it doesn't matter. If I make it to such old age and one day be able to retire comfortably, then the same type of suffering and sorrow of having to leave life itself will still overwhelm and become unbearable.

    I hope I don't come off as impossible to get through to though. I can understand all perspectives, options, and potential availabilities. But I am not as strong mentally as some seem to be able to endure the stresses of life itself. Especially those who may have been in my situation and fought their way out of it. Don't think I can do this alone at this point in time with society and history. Just doesn't seem possible. The amount of those who need jobs, have lost their homes, and positions eliminated due to corporate greed, I am not sure what chance I truly have against the world.

    I should really stop typing so much, I get carried away obviously. Too much unbearable emotion it seems.
  5. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    You are trying very hard to cope with what life throws at you. I really admire your resilience.

    I also hear that you are trying to secure a job in the best of your ability, but only to get rejected.

    Tough times don't last. Things will only get better, when your situation hits rock bottom.

    I am sure you will pull it through.

    You are strong, and I believe you will be stronger.

    Here's a hug for you~
  6. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I appreciate the kind words responding, especially considering it seems like a revival of a potentially dead thread that had passed beneath from the first page. This circumstance brings some good feelings as I didn't expect any other responses which was something I accepted even though not many days had passed. There is of course the understanding that the majority are going through some difficult times and it is hard to lend supportive words when enduring such pain which I wish to do for others, but cannot bring myself out of my own pain temporarily to achieve such a desire. Words may not ever be enough for some which is understandable, however, they can help dull the painful sting just a bit more.

    As I can only try to cope, it doesn't seem like I am doing so very well through this time that I have. There is a constant uncertainty which boils in my mind which can be quite painful as I expect the worst constantly. Waking up everyday is the biggest struggle as the pressure overwhelms my being like the dirt being poured onto a coffin. A type of state which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy to have to go through in life. I suppose not everyone can have an easy life and I get to be one of those. A constant nagging question of why did fate decide to birth my existence having to undergo such a struggle to find happiness and comfort of day to day life. Just a series of random probabilities in the universe as we cannot expect much more. But the faith that there could be a purpose, a destiny, or a fate that we are all in exactly the right place at the right time can bring a bit of comfort. Although it hasn't helped lately.

    Obtaining a job that I can simply live off of and support just a small apartment is not looking possible anymore. Filling out applications and applying for the ideal ones advertised bring a whole lot of hope and comfort, at least up until the many days pass as I understand I won't be hearing from them. Full-time positions which would seem to be a great fit and bring a whole lot of joy in accomplishing with the passion I can naturally develop. The end result is mostly not hearing anything back and always wondering why it is my fate to endure such a situation. A horrible circumstance that I have to live with is being offered an interview for a great job as a groundskeeper and not being able to make it to the interview due to being drenched in rain on the way there during a bike ride. Calling them up and then being rejected for a second chance as I didn't want to go to an interview soaking wet. Or full-time dishwasher positions which respond to only tell me that the ending shifts will be too late in the evening in order to catch a bus route back home as I have no vehicle of my own.

    Thinking tough times don't last can be a bit comforting, but they lasted for my father his entire life basically all the way up until his death. Things never necessarily got better for him and he hit rock bottom multiple times. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree as it is known which does not envelop much faith in the result and outcomes that will be my life.

    I'd like to think I will pull through this all and that I am strong. Well, at least I can say I am physically strong, but mental strength is obviously absent considering. There is a bit of hope as well and a bit of time. There have been recent job applications I filled out which could still respond as they are ideal jobs to have that I would thoroughly enjoy, only time will tell though. Things are not feeling good as the uncertainty of everything resides in full force.

    I can agree that if I indeed pull through this I would definitely end up stronger. The experience of such an emotional demise could only possibly make one stronger and create that much more of appreciation for opportunities that provide the viable content feelings in life. Although, I always come back to the reality of life itself and understand that my own chances are extremely thin as the odds are not in my favor at all. Bigger and better men have fallen and were not able to get back up, and I am definitely not the bigger and better man in this world.

    It's all looking grim and the pain of uncertainty and constant expectations of the unexpected are in full force. Things can change on a whim for the better or for the worst and so far there's not much paving the way for the better.

    I could probably continue writing in this response but I am sure the amount is enough for anyone to care to even read through to the end as I get carried away.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am so sorry things are this hard for you. Would you call United way and explain your circumstances and tell them you need to find some kind of help. You can reach their helpline by calling 211. Will you try that? I had to call twice. Because different people are at different skill levels while accessing their database. Again, I am SO sorry things are like this for you. Please do keep posting here. And, if you can, please try to call united way and asking what kind of help is available for someone in your circumstances. Please also tell them that you are feeling scared and in great emotional pain. That way hopefully they can lead you to a therapist who can help to be of support also. :hugtackles:
  8. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    hello Tabula Ras. so sorry you are struggling now, so sorry you cannot see a way through. one tiny bright spot is that you chose to share your story and pain here, in a place where there are many who can relate to your circumstance. last February i was in a very similar predicament...i lost a very nice apartment i had lived in for 2 yrs, alone, due to simply not being able to afford it anymore after 1. a rent increase and 2. losing one of my jobs. i quickly replaced the job i lost, however it was too little too late. i was forced to look for another place to live in DAYS, and found any old dump on craigslist with a roommate. and trust me, it was really and truly a DUMP. completely disgusting. but it was a place to live, for me and my cat. however after just 3 months i learned from the landlord that my roommate was moving out (moving back in with her parents), and once again i had DAYS to find another place. unfortunately i couldn't even find another crap apartment in time, and had to move into a homeless shelter.

    the people at my one remaining job were very kind and understanding of my situation, even giving me gift cards for the store (it was a major organic grocer). because of course hunger was my other major issue, after losing half my income purchasing food for myself wasn't really a priority. this led to my losing a lot of weight and fainting on the job at least half a dozen times. ironically, with my history of two incomes and being a single person i never qualified for food stamps or any kind of public assistance whatsoever.

    anywho, just like the fear you have of not being able to bear life in a shelter or on the streets, day after day, i could not tolerate it either. everyday i was afraid my things would be stolen or worse, that someone would hurt my cat or just carelessly let her out and she'd be gone forever. so after just a couple of weeks i left. i moved in with a guy i met online, was honest about my situation (desperate, homeless, broke, starving, etc.), and basically agreed to be his live-in sex toy in exchange for food and shelter. that lasted five LOOOOONG months. i was able to keep working during this time so i could save some money. and now i live on my own again. although it's yet another crappy place, at least i live alone and know that my cat is safe and sound. not sure how long i can keep it up, but for now i'm trying every day.
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