"Only fools rush in where angels don't dare to tread or walk"

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 11, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    ... "And a bit of humility is all that angels dare to hope for". (Translated by me from a Danish song).

    I am listening to this song right now... I used to listen to that one a lot as a kid... it had some pretty deep lyrics and I was very aware despite my young age that some of them had suicidal messages.
    I've been actively suicidal since I was 9, I think I've had it in mind for much younger.

    I wasn't a normal kid. I think even without all the abuse and bullying I would still have been. I grew up way too quick. I was way too clever to enjoy the normal games (those that I was even allowed to join). I taught myself to read because I was so bored with the starter books. "This is Carl. Carl likes driving cars. The car is red"... and for some reasons I always went for the sad books. Or science books about my obsession with mummified bodies from different ancient cultures or death omens in folklore.

    Sadly I haven't really been able to read new fictional books for years now. I just can't focus on them...

    I taught myself English, because my English lessons in school was severely lacking and I was ashamed to not be able to form sentences beyond "My name is.... I live... I go to school. I have fun learning.". Today my main communication is in English, I even write my stories in it... currently I am trying to learn Dutch online.

    I have learned that I have photographic memory. I am a nightmare to watch quiz shows with (provided I am doing somewhat okay). I just spit out the answers. I don't even think of it... unless you get me on a bad day and I actually have forgotten my own name. Isn't depression great???

    If I have been at the supermarket I know the act price of any item I have looked at...
    I have this theory that I can't forget. When my depression is bad the hard-drive is just crashing and hard to reach, but it's all stored there. And I fear it's becoming full. That's why I prefer watching the same film over and over again. Why I've read Hamlet and 'Breakfast on Pluto' a million times...

    I feel like I could have become so much more.

    If we forget all the abuse and what else has happened... I'm dyscalculic (something I only found out was a thing a few years ago).
    At first I was doing okay in maths in the first few years. I memorized the answers and equations. I don't understand why 7-3=4. My brain can't compute the equation. But I know it, because I've seen it. Math became difficult when I had to explain how I got to a certain result. And then things became harder.... and of course I managed to get a math teacher who took it as his calling to make me hate math, and myself even more. He saw me as stupid, unintelligent and he even told me there was a seat for me in kindergarten... because I didn't know how to solve for X. or Y, or what ever at the age of 15.

    After him I got a really nice teacher who actually without judging me tried to teach me simple math... I had to confess to him that no matter how much I tried I couldn't do it... and then he left and we got another one. We came back to the X's and Y's and I had a breakdown at home trying to do my homework. I talked to the teacher after a class and told her how I felt and what had happened with that teacher when I was 15. She told me she'd have to fail me in written math if I did that, but she couldn't force me to do it.
    I spent the classes writing poems and working on stories, just to survive them. She knew not to ask me questions... and to my surprise she made me pass on oral math. Just barely passing... and she said it was because I did try.

    The thing is, today I know I have a high IQ, I am only dyscalculic. This means I always have to use my calculator when I shop. I triple check anything about numbers (gosh, it was fun when the doctors I worked for made me manually type up the numeric results on blood tests of hundreds of kids...).
    For some reason I sometimes type 'h' instead of '4'.
    I can't tell right from left, I have to use my wrist tattoos to tell which is which...

    Being depressed and most likely suffering with PTSD in the later school years meant I graduated with such a low GPA. I was lucky to be able to double my score because I had an extra A level compared to other students... this means I can't go and study at a university. I can't get a bachelor... my brain isn't enough.

    I feel like I've always been made fun of for my 'stupid' brain. There was that teacher... then there were other kids in the younger grades who were tired of me knowing everything and getting praise from teachers, and good grades when they started grading us. This actually resulted in me pretending to be dumber than what I was... I wouldn't talk in classes (the fact that bullies would laugh even before I opened my mouth 'helped' that too). I would make mistakes in my papers on purpose... anything to not get me noticed.
    Once I forgot to 'dumb down' on a physics paper... I was the only one who did well... The teacher (who hadn't known me before I started to act stupid) held up my paper for everyone to see the B+. "I know can do better than this. Look, if 'Phantom' could, why couldn't you do it?".

    I think he was convinced I guessed the answers.

    My brain is always in the way.

    Being depressed, and knowing about the human brain and how depression etc. works in theory makes me so frustrated... I am constantly fighting my own brain. I have described this to my therapist as I have two sides of my brain... the logical side who wants to be healthy and do all the right things.
    And then there's the other side... the destructive side... the one who makes me harm myself, the one who manages my suicidal impulses...
    My logical brain has tried to make it difficult for my messy side to act on the impulses... I've even had instances where both sides have been 'fighting' in my head... I feel I am in control of the logical brain... while the messy one just is distraught and does whatever 'she' likes. My logical brain has even made me whimper, trying to hold my own hand down, sobbing and saying "Please, no more.".

    I know both sides are me. I don't have a split personality. It's me who hurts myself. It's me who tries to avoid it, tries to stay strong. And it's me who fails.

    My therapist made me describe the 'messy side' as if she was a person. I described her to be around 12 or 13 (the age I 'officially' started to selfharm... while I had been having accidents on purpose since I was 4)... an angry and hurt teenager who has lost all trust in the world, so filled with anger and regret and who doesn't know where to turn....

    My therapist also asked me what I'd do if I was standing in front a girl like that. What I thought she'd need.
    A hug. A listening and caring ear who took her seriously, and comforted her.

    I am just not ready to embrace that side of me. I hate 'her'. She's left me with so many more marks and scars than anyone else in my life has. I have scars that will always be there... and I've got new ones about to heal and add to the count.
    I can't forgive 'her' for the times she tried to kill me. Those times where I felt okay one moment... and the next I was attempting to end my life.

    I can't forgive 'her' for keeping me up for days and days while in school between 16 and 19, self harming, attempting suicide, making me unable to concentrate on classes and tests... meaning I am now unable to every fulfill my potential.

    I could technically retake all the classes I need, but that costs a lot of money. Money I just don't have. So I trained to become a secretary, specialized in the health sector. Working for a lovely bunch of doctors taking their Ph.d's... being their secretary and research assistant. Even there I pretended to dumb down a little. I felt it was better if I was 'just' the secretary.

    I know I am only 26. Life can change I guess. Right now I can't even hold down a simple job. (and btw, it wouldn't insult my Intelligence to work at a shop or the like... but my body is in the way, and right now my mind is too. I'm simply too sick to work).

    I just feel like I could have been someone.

    (blah. that was an awful lot of rambling at midnight.)
  2. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    Feed the good side as much as possible. You are obviously very smart not to mention caring. You seem like an awesome person. :) Far as could have been someone girl you ARE someone. :) You are someone who is constantly on here helping A LOT of people. It's such a treat for me to be on here seeing you encouraging so many people. What a treasure you are. Things are just going to get better and better for you. :) Let me be very clear to you, you are NEVER alone. You have me and others on here. I and we care very much about you. I talk often on here about how music is therapy and how listening to comforting uplifting music can be such a big help. A good song you may want to listen to is Change Your Mind by Sister Hazel. It talks about how great positive thinking can be. Anytime you get discouraged I want you to remember this:You MATTER and everything is going to be alright. Take some time for yourself. You have so many great things ahead for you. You are going to be ok. :) BIG hug
    sahel and ThePhantomLady like this.