only getting worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dying2die, Mar 3, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    everyday I wake up... not hoping to. it seems that's the longer I postpone the inevitable the worse I make life for others around me. my husband, who tries to understand what's going on but never will, is getting fed up with dealing with me. I can see it in his atittude. he's sick of my crying and drinking. he's upset with me because I haven't eaten in a few days, and now he thinks that I drink to piss him off. I wish it was that easy. I don't understand why he cares whether I start drinking at 7:00am or not. I really need to leave... I can't drown my sorrows in a bottle of booze much longer. I'm just going to end it in a bottle of pills. I wish I could do it today, I'm thinking that wednesday will be the date. maybe sooner, well see how long I make it. I guess I'm just hoping to not wake up one of these days, so then I won't have to worry about anything!!! I just have to keep telling myself it will be ovee soon!
     
  2. CM 1000

    CM 1000 Guest

    Not does not do that you is likely to hurt you tries to think of things positive and you will see you will smell yourself better
     
  3. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hun drinking is not the answer to feel better :( Have you ever tried to find a counselour or therapist in order to get rid of your grief? There are many things to look forward to, you just have to find them. Wish you all the best and big hugs :hug:
    Beret
     
  4. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    dying2die,

    sorry things seem to be getting worse...and your right you cant continue to use the bottle as a crutch...but thier is help....have you thought about going into a detox....and then maybe get into some therapy.....hope something comes along for you....we're here for you...take good care....
     
  5. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    right now detox is not an option or nesessary. I've only been drinking heavily for about 2 weeks. I mean I've always been a big fan of cocktails on the weekends. a dr. probably would have said I was a bing drinker, but what 24 year old isn't, at least everyone I know is. now my drinking is more like bloody marys at 7:30am and then for the rest of the day. everyone says I need to hang on... this is the only way I can. I have now other real options right now. I still function... I guess I'm drinking so much hoping that maybe it will kill me. I haven't been eating lately, I guess also in hopes i'l just fall over dead or never wake up. I have no hope left. I'm supposed to start seeing a therapist again on tuesday, I don't see the point I've heard everything before. I've been doing this crap for almost 10 years, why should I think things are going to change now?
     
  6. CM 1000

    CM 1000 Guest

    I've been doing this crap for almost 10 years, why should I think things are going to change now?

    The things is likely to change for you because you lost the unconscious archetypal idea to kill you. And if you removes this idea of your conscious now you is likely to find happiness to live. To remove this idea of your conscious with each time you have this idea you must make a meditation which this idea you comes from your ancestors and which you must give to them this gift that they gave you and that they will be able what to make with.
     
  7. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    just when you think thingscant get any worse... they do. today was the absolute most horrible day ever. a few days ago I had cut my arm a few times, I'm not really sure why. I guess it helps me feel like I'm still actually alive when I see the blood seep out. anyway I had hid the cuts from my husband until today. we were sitting on our couch and my sleeve got pulled up and he saw them. I don't know what to do. at first he was mad, but now I think he's just confused. he knows I'm depressed but has no idea I'm planning on killing myself. I feel like we are drifting apart because he doesn't understand what I'm dealing with.
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm around quite a bit around here.. so.. if you'd ever like to talk, please know you can message me anytime at all. :) :hug:
     
  9. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I slipped... I swore I would never let my husband know my plans... this morning I was really upset and I told him I have the pills and a plan. he's freaking out now. I never wanted him to worry. now I'm dragging him into my black hole with me. he wanted me to tell him where the pills are but I couldn't. he would take them away. I don't know what to do. I just don't want him to worry. I'm scares he will tell some one my plan.
     
  10. Skyz

    Skyz Member

    what about your husband and your kids? a lot of stuff in life sucks pretty hard but whether or not you give up on it defines who you are, ur gonna let all that crap just do you in because it depresses you? i'm only in college and maybe i don't exactly know as much about life as you do, but i do know about suicide and suicidal thoughts. my best friend had bipolar depression and battled it for two years, she tried once with pills and failed and screwed up her stomach, a few months after that she wrote a long letter to me and cut her wrists. i felt like dying for a long time after that, i had no one else. i loved her more than anything and she left me like i was nothing. i don't know if she ever found relief or she finally stopped feeling like her family thought she was pathetic and weird but i'll tell you it tore the hell out of me, i can't imagine what it would do to your husband, your children. i don't know, the way i see it you can just throw up your arms and just let life have its way with you or you can be alive and struggle and hurt and last until you find your happiness. that's what i think life is about and why the only time sadness beats you is when you let it. yeah, it's corny as hell and i know it, but my best friend is still cold alone and dead and i'll never see her again and that's real. if that's what you want then go for it, but it would be nice to see someone with some courage when everyone around here seems to be content with giving in.
     
  11. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I don't want to die... I'm absolutely crushed by the fact that I won't see my daughter graduate from high school, ot oven pre school for that matter, but as long as I'm here I cause our family to live in total dysfunction. my husband and I are always arguing because he doesn't understand what I'm going through. it kills me to hear my daughter say every day "mommy why are you crying" its one thing for me to think life is bad but its another thing to make everyone else unhappy!!!!!!!
     
  12. CM 1000

    CM 1000 Guest

    I am certain that you do not want to die but stop this suffering I am certain that your husband loves you enough to save you the life Faites him confidence and said him that you will not start again. See a psychiatrist I believe that it will be able to help you to see clearly in your problem.
     
  13. Skyz

    Skyz Member

    Your family is only unhappy because you are unhappy and they care deeply about you. Instead of focusing on the fact that you are unhappy, maybe you should try focusing on what is causing you to be unhappy and change it. It would make you happy and in turn make your family happy.
     
  14. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    last night my 3 year old daughter said something that made my cry. she daid, "mommy I no want you be sad anymore!" wow, now I know the damage I'm doing to her when I am huddled up crying all day. I didn't think she ever really understood. its really scary for me to know that she does understand. I feel like today is going to be the make it or break it point. I'm goiing to see a therapyst for the first time in a while today. I have very low expectations, talking to someone has ever really done anything for me before. I need to do thia for my daughter. either I have to get better or I have to leave... soon!
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.